Tag Archives: ed

And Again

Last night I stopped at the grocery store after work. A dangerous time for me. Its like buying at night time somehow brings out the binge monster in me. I can 100% say if I didn’t live alone I’d be a secret eater. sigh.

So yeah, was in the store, bought some normal stuff but also bought donuts and ice cream.

Fuck.

Then I get home, turn the kettle on to make tea and whatdoyaknow, the ice cream magically got opened. Go figure.

I knew, 100% knew, if I sat down with that tub of ice cream I would eat the entire thing. I could even see me, sitting on my living room chair, taking bites of donuts between spoonfuls of ice cream.

The vision of me doing that made me disgusted with myself while also making me want it even more.

So I made a new rule, I can only eat the ice cream while standing up in the kitchen. I wanted to eat the ice cream way faster than I was but it is cold (obviously) and I have to eat things like that sorta slow cause my mouth freezes super easy and makes it hard to eat. Yeah I know I am weird.

I bought chocolate and peanut butter swirl. Weirdly enough the actual chocolate ice cream is mediocre but the swirls of peanut butter and the mini pb chocolate cups that are in the ice cream are amazing so at one point I was mostly digging to find those. I think I could dump that whole thing out, dig out the peanut butter swirls and the chocolate cups, just eat those, and be a happy camper.

Wonder how many calories I would save doing that…

Not the point!

The point is that even though I would only allow myself to eat it while standing up I still managed to eat a lot of it. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!

Then of course there were the donuts…I only had two but two, on top of the ice cream is bad enough.

If you are wondering why I only had two it is because that is all I bought. I knew I would eat however many I bought and even while I was in the store picking them out of the display case part of me was fighting the upcoming binge.

I didn’t want to binge.

I wanted to binge more than anything.

Obviously the side that wanted to binge won, as it always seems to do (eventually). But I guess if I couldn’t stop the binge at least I could stop it from being even bigger…does that make any sense?

Its like when you have a cut, you can’t make your body clot any faster so you can’t actually stop yourself from bleeding, but you can put a bandaid on the cut and help it be not so bad.

Afterwards I did not feel good. I went and showered and ended up crying in the shower, the only place I will cry since tears are hidden by water. Ending up sitting on the floor of my shower, being pummeled by water, crying, after eating a crap tonne of calories, was not how I envisioned ending my night.

I’d had such a good day up until then. Eaten healthy foods in quantities I was ok with. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what brought on this binge. It just sorta happened.

It is one thing to binge because something horrible happened, at least then you know why you are doing it. But this, this was just, I dunno…because?

“Because” is not a good enough reason but it is all I have right now.

I am so ashamed. So mad at myself. So depressed I once again engaged in this behaviour.

Mostly I am just ashamed.

ashamed

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For Realsies?

Sigh.

I grocery shopped today. I bought a frozen pizza (pepperoni), a box of store brand macaroni & cheese (it is surprisingly better than KD), partial fixings for a binge meal for another day (the rest of the items can be bought at a different store for cheaper), cake mix, cheese, I think that’s it…I want to say I bought something healthy but can’t think of anything…wait! I bought two bananas!…purchased because (1) I like them and (2) I wanted to look like I was buying random forgotten things and not just binge food and thought bananas would help with that…as if anyone actually looked in my basket and cared *rolls eyes*

The pizza is gone, eaten in under 10 minutes, well, maybe 15 minutes as I waited a bit for it to cool.

The cake mix will be made and baked pretty soon.

I am doing my freakin best to forget the macaroni & cheese is in my cupboard.

I can’t do anything with the partial fixings for a different days binge meal.

The cheese has been opened and partially eaten.

I am trying to be grateful I didn’t also buy the ice cream I wanted, it was in my basket but I managed to put it back. I also put back donuts, cookies, a cake…sigh.

It is a good thing nobody does watch me when I grocery shop because I must’ve looked like an idiot. Picking something up, putting it back, walking to a different aisle, picking something else up, putting it back, staring for a good 10 minutes at the fresh baking wishing I could buy all the donuts but knowing I’ll hate myself if I eat them and knowing I would eat them if I bought them so all I could do was stare and not touch.

I weighed in today and gained 0.8lbs. Might as well be 80lbs with the way it made me feel. I was already in a bit of a slump but that weigh-in exasperated my unhappiness with my self and I’d say “wallowing in depression” is an accurate way to describe the rest of my day. Which led to a “fuck it” attitude. Which led to that grocery shopping trip. Which led to me devouring an entire pizza and then some.

I irritate myself.

hip

Not Imaginative Enough

I tend to think of myself as someone with a pretty decent imagination but when it comes to getting past my eating disorder and being “normal” I just can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine not always worrying about what I am eating, or not eating, checking nutritional information, tracking my food, denying myself something tasty, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, eating more than 7 foods on a regular basis, judging myself and every action or inaction I take with food, adjusting my life to accommodate my eating disorder…the list goes on…I just…I can’t see it…

At group today there was a guest speaker, someone who went through the program and has been recovered for years. She was there to talk to us about her experience, some of what she went through, answer questions. She was a good speaker, easy to listen to, seemed comfortable telling her story, answered all questions asked of her buuuuuut I dunno if I believe her.

Not that I am saying I think she is a flat out liar, just, I don’t know how anyone can claim some of the things she says, let alone someone who used to have an eating disorder.

She says she doesn’t weigh herself anymore, like, at all! She also says she doesn’t track her food intake in any way. She eats intuitively and she eats whatever she feels like eating, so if she wants fish ‘n chips she has it, if she wants a doughnut she has it, whatever she wants to eat she eats it and has no guilt about eating that particular food.

Is that even a thing? An actual possible thing?

I don’t think it is…

She says she exercises because it feels good, not to punish herself for something she ate.

Yeah sure, ok.

Here I am restricting my food intake because I so desperately want to binge but I am trying so hard not to and the only way I know to not binge is to not eat. If I eat something I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing…or barely nothing, and what I do eat is a safe food. Which fyi, the list has gotten drastically smaller for what I consider safe. And that girl is saying she eats whatever she wants and has no guilt?

Not only does she apparently not engage in any eating disorder behaviours she also doesn’t have any of the thoughts. My brain is a constant swirl of ed thoughts and she says she has none of them? Not even vague lingering ones? What would be in my brain if it wasn’t always thinking ed stuff? It would probably be the most quiet, boring, brain in the world!

I don’t know how todays meeting was supposed to help me…maybe it was meant to inspire me? Let me know I can recover? Show me actual proof of someone who made it to the other side?

All I feel like I saw was a woman who says she doesn’t think or act a certain way but in gaining that she also gained weight and is not fat exactly but not thin…not where I want to be…why does recovery always seem to involve ending up larger than you want to be? Why can’t people recover but stay thin? Aaaaand that is a rant for another day! lol

I dunno…I don’t see what I am getting from these sessions…maybe recovery isn’t for everyone and I am meant to stay the way I am?

unwinnable-battle

Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.

sad

Pressure

I worked an odd shift today, 1pm – 9pm, and I was super sleep deprived when I eventually got up to get ready for work so I had juuuuust barely enough time to make my standard first meal of the day.

I am very unoriginal with my first meal of the day but for some reason, if I eat these items as my first meal, I have no guilt over eating them, no stress, no worrying. I don’t know why…I also feel like it gives me a solid start to my day so I can then go a long time without eating, because I ate a proper first meal. I think part of it is a placebo thing but whatever, I’ll take it lol

My first meal is always two slices of turkey bacon, one egg over easy, and two pieces of brown toast. That is sorta the baseline, after that I have some variations I play with. So for today I had those items but I also had 9 slices of mushroom that I put in the pan with the turkey bacon to cook them, sometimes I will also have 4 baby tomatos sliced in half (also cooked in the pan). Ummm, what else, if I am feeling adventurous I will put some cheese on one piece of toast then layer the turkey bacon, veggies and egg on top and eat it as an open faced sandwich. The second piece of toast I will eat on its own. In my world toast always comes in pairs lol

I had to make sure I ate this today before work because there was a buffet at work in celebration of Canada Day and the menu looked amazing, but oh so bad for me. But amazing! Lucky for me when I am full, and I’m in a restricting phase, no food, no matter how amazing, can tempt me to eat. So I walked the buffet line because friends at work were encouraging me to grab something to eat and I didn’t take a damn thing. I didn’t even take something to hold on to and eat later! I was very proud lol 😛

But then later at work things got hard. sigh. I had a salad for dinner with 7 prawns on top and some fresh fruit salad. Since I am on weight watchers this counted as a very good meal. It did fill me up which was great. The hard part was it was a stressful shift and allllll I wanted was chocolate. Then the wanting of chocolate turned in to the wanting of basically any food. I wanted to cram my mouth with any and every food from the kitchen. Pastries? Sure! Ice cream? Gimme! A peach tart? Yummm! My work is always filled with desserts and my stress and just general love of desserts was making me want them all. Hell, I would have settled for stale cookies if only I could have managed to binge eat them while at work with no one seeing.

Of course I couldn’t eat any of the treats at work but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t constantly thinking about food. And oh boy do I mean constantly! Every single thing I did I was using part of my brain to think about food, about what I want to eat, about how good it would taste, about how it would take away the stress I was feeling, about how it would make me feel better. I contemplated coming home and having a binge, or waiting until I was the only staff member left and having a binge at work, basically I couldn’t stop thinking about all that food and having a binge.

The pressure mounting in my brain was ridiculous. The pressure I was feeling inside, the emotional pressure I mean, was not something I am equipped to handle. There was so much pressure and I had no way to release it, no way to stop my thoughts, no way to stop wishing I could binge, no way to fix any of this!

I never got an opportunity at work to binge, one of the servers was also working the overnight shift so she not only never left but started her second shift working in the kitchen so no way I could binge with her there to see. No way to even smuggle the food out of the kitchen. I felt better when my opportunity was gone. If there was no actual way I could binge at work well, I dunno, it is like some of that pressure released a bit.

I also managed to not binge at home. Once I left work the urge got a little less. It wasn’t gone, not by any means, and if I wasn’t (1) trying my damnedest to restrict right now and (2) technically trying to not epically fail at weight watchers, I would have binged, massively. I would have stopped at the store on my way home and bought all kinds of food. So I just made sure to not stop at the store, any store. I took a route home that is longer but doesn’t have me driving past McDonald’s and when I got home I immediately turned on some music and hopped in the shower – distraction! distraction! distraction!

Some eating did happen when I got home but controlled, fit in to my weight watchers points, eating.

I find though that I am under eating almost daily according to weight watcher rules. The only times I haven’t under eaten are days when I cave and binge eat. When I scan back in the app and look at previous days they all show me with points remaining for the day when they are supposed to show me at zero – indicating I ate my daily points and didn’t go over. But nope, not me, I seem to consistently have daily points left, I’m not sure how bad this is in the weight watcher world but I’m thinking its not good. It is kinda like being told you should be eating around 1400 calories a day and only eating 780. But see calories I understand so I always knew just how much I was under eating, with points I’m not really sure. Is 6 points under ok, or bad, or super bad? If 6 is bad does that mean the days I am 12 points under, or 20 under put me in the uber super duper bad category? I just don’t know…

side pic

ED Program Orientation

I went to the orientation session for the Adult ED Program Monday afternoon. I had to leave work an hour early to get there in time, it isn’t that it is super far from my work, more that I had to get there during rush hour and traffic crawls during rush hour so a half hour trip can take up to two hours at times.

I was going back and forth between wanting there to be a lot of people there and wanting there to be barely any other people there, there are pros and cons to both, shrug. People could bring others with them, their support systems, if they wanted, so that made it look more crowded. In total there were 6 people there who are going through orientation in order to get in to the program. The average wait time from now till there is a spot is roughly three months which kinda sucks. Not like I am looking forward to all the work that seems to be involved with being in this program but what little desire I have to change is in me now and I’m worried in three months it’ll be gone. It’s like how when you have a sore tooth and you put off going to the dentist but then you finally screw up your courage, take the plunge, and make an appointment asap so you don’t have time to back out. That is how I look at this whole getting help thing.

But alas, I have no control over the time it will take for them to have an opening soooooo, meh, just gotta wait I guess.

I got a bunch of paperwork, information about other resources I can tap in to until they have a spot for me, a booklet with information about eating disorders, stuff like that. I skimmed through the book, well through all of it really, but the book is what I think I will be most interested in. There is stuff in there that answered questions I had never thought to ask, and that was with me just skimming, not actually reading, so who knows what else I might learn!

I was totally stressing that (1) I’d be the fattest person there and (2) there’d be lots of personal questions or an interview stage to the orientation, something like that, and I’d have to get all personal an shit.

Neither happened. There was one girl who was waaaaaay bigger than me, two who were slim build but looking healthy, two who were underweight (one by a lot) and me, fitting somewhere in there.

The majority of the orientation was one of the doctors that runs the program telling us all kinds of things, an overview of how the program works, what to expect, blah blah blah. She also gave all of us ample opportunity to ask questions but for the most part we all stayed quiet, like, super quiet. There was one guy, he is the husband of one of the underweight ladies who was there as part of her support system and he asked some really good questions. Questions I was glad he asked cuz I didn’t want to ask but I was happy to hear the information. I did eventually ask a couple of questions, nothing earth shattering, but things I wanted to know. Other than that one guy and I asking a couple questions each there was no talk between the doc running the session and the group.

So now there is nothing much for me to do, except try to not get drastically worse before I get an actual spot in the program. Even though I was listening to everything and trying to focus I don’t remember all the stuff we were told so I can’t go in to much detail about the program itself but lets see what I can remember…

  • it is a group based program so while there is some one-on-one stuff the program works mostly on participants going to group sessions
  • you have 18 months to work the program – that doesn’t mean you have to be cured in 18 months or that you may need to take the full 18 months, just that is how much time each person gets. If you need more time then you can ask your doctor to submit another referral and you will get back in…presumably when there is another opening
  • they work with other programs in the area so if this one ends up not being a good fit they can help a person get in to a different program
  • you can’t fail a group – that was one of my questions. All that is asked is that you participate and try as much as you can because the more you participate the more you will get out of it. I was actually asking in reference to this one group where you have to bring a meal (that follows their guidelines, god knows what they insist a person eat!) and eat with the group then hang out afterwards…I don’t think I can do that and I’m wondering if I am not able to eat the meal, or deal with hanging out afterwards, or don’t bring the “right” meal, if I will be kicked out but I didn’t want to go in to more detail about that so I’m leaving that as a thing to be found out later
  • if you miss 2 group sessions in a month (I think it is a month) then you are asked to leave that particular group and if you miss I can’t remember how many group sessions or whatever within a certain amount of time you are asked to leave the program and reapply when you can better commit to it

That is all I can remember right now…but I figure that is enough lol

ribs

Out Of My Routine

I think most people end up following some sort of routine, even if they hate routines and they try to avoid them, by trying to avoid them they end up in them, even if only minimally.

I do not like routines and schedules and yet I find myself following them when it comes to my food.

I don’t think much about it, I guess I just kind of follow my food routine by rote, but then something big changes and that is when I realize just how much I rely on my food routine / schedule to keep me from screwing up food wise or freaking out about what to eat or when to eat or how much to eat.

Tomorrow I am going out of town, only overnight so its not like it is some crazy big trip but I’m already trying to figure out how to handle all the food situations I may find myself in, and oh boy I think there will be many!

I’m meeting up with a friend, she lives in a small town a couple hours from me, and the plan that was hatched involved us going out for a night of drinking and partying and more drinking, then crashing at her place for a bit before going for brunch Saturday mid-morning.

When we made the plans I thought they’d be those plans that never actually happen so I wasn’t worried about it but somehow they are going from theory to reality and uh, crap.

The alcohol alone will kill me calorie wise but add to that the food she will want to eat before we go out, and then eat while out drinking, then eat the next day at brunch…that is a hella lot of food!

So far I have come up with very few ways to get out of eating…

I plan to say I ate before driving up if she suggests food before going out, so at least that should save me from one meal but when out and drinking I dunno…I guess if I am with it enough to remember to say this I can tell her the alcohol is making me feel queasy, or something along that line…and for brunch I suppose I could say I am too hungover to want to eat.

Thing is, she knows I handle my alcohol pretty well, and she knows I don’t get hungover to the point I can’t eat so she might wonder what is going on…I can lie convincingly but I don’t like the idea of planning ahead to lie to her face…something that sucks about having an ed that people don’t think about is how much lying you end up doing, to people you don’t want to lie to, on a regular basis. The little lies become so common you don’t think about them much anymore, but something like what is coming up, when you find yourself planning lies in advance to tell a close friend over the span of 24 hours or so, it makes me feel…unhappy with who I have become. Maybe that’s just me though, shrug.

eating out

skirt