Tag Archives: eating

Meal Plan

I was given a meal plan to follow, starting August 23rd.

So far I have sucked balls at following it.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist this coming Wednesday and I am dreading having to tell her I failed.

I have all these legit reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet, why I’m not following this meal plan, but I think she won’t see them as reasons, only excuses.

I couldn’t start following the meal plan the same day I got it because I didn’t have the food in my place to be able to follow it. Then I went out of town and my eating was all over the place because of being away. When I got back I had gained 1.5 pounds and I had to lose that before I could start some meal plan that had me eating more on a daily basis then I usually do. I can’t start off a meal plan when I am up on the scale, how will I ever lose that weight I gained from the weekend?

Hey now, don’t go judging my logic, it makes sense to me!

Then I was finally down on the scale but still didn’t have the right food in my place. Add to that the whole high potassium thing I’m going through. I can’t just eat what I want I have to be checking the potassium levels of everything and I gotta say, that is screwing with me.

I like spinach, spinach is high potassium, I am no longer supposed to have spinach, but I can’t just swap in some other type of lettuce where I would normally eat spinach, so now the choice is do I eat the spinach anyways and get some dark leafy greens or do I not eat any type of lettuce?

le sigh.

I’m having this issue with a bunch of foods.

So yeah, I have this meal plan, and I’m not following it.

Today was my first real attempt to follow it. I didn’t do great, but at least I sorta tried, that maybe counts for something…

I didn’t eat within 1.5 hours of getting up (that is rule number 1 from her), but I did eventually eat (which sounds stupid but isn’t). When I eventually ate something it was an actual meal, with food groups!

I had a two egg omelette with 1 tablespoon of shredded cheese inside. I topped it with 1 tablespoon of salsa (which I am trying to figure out if that counts as a veg serving…), I also had toast (that is an easy one for me), and a yoghurt (NOT an easy one for me). I was also supposed to have a fruit and a meat, but maybe the egg counts as a meat? I’m not clear on the rules…wait! I just checked, the eggs do count as meat so score for me!

I couldn’t fit a fruit it with that meal, it was too much food already, but I ate a nectarine about 3 hours later.

Then I went to work out for a couple hours.

Then the big dilemma.

When I got home from working out I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling like any food I ingested would be taking away all the gains I got from my work out, I didn’t want my work out to be wasted because I ate after, ya know?

So I literally paced my kitchen, back and forth, back and forth, do I eat, don’t I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, I’m not hungry, I have been told my hunger signals suck and I need to eat on schedule, I already missed the scheduled time to eat so no point in eating now, eating now is better then not eating at all, I’ve eaten too much today, you haven’t eaten as much as you promised you would when you were given the meal plan, food will make me gain weight, you need to fuel your body, I don’t want to eat, it doesn’t matter what you want, I am in charge of what my body gets, you have to give your body what it needs, I don’t need more food today, yes you do, I’m not hungry, you’ll feel hungry soon and you might binge then, I could just go to bed early, you’ll sleep better if you eat something first…and so on…

Eventually I settled on something, and ended up with a meal that had, get this…food groups! And not just one!

I had a small tortilla wrap with some coleslaw (no dressing), home made turkey salad mix, and a small amount of shredded cheddar cheese.

That is grain, meat, veg, and dairy, all in one!

I ate it. I still wasn’t feeling hungry when I ate it and eating when I don’t feel hungry goes against everything I believe in doing but I said I’d try to follow the meal plan and so far I haven’t and eating this meal put me closer to following then not eating would have done.

Honestly, I still wish I hadn’t eaten anything. I’d be feeling better about myself and not paranoid that as I sit here typing that food is turning to fat and making me bigger.

But at least this way I can go to my meeting next week and say I sort of, kinda, in a way, tried to follow the plan.

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Permission

Last night, around 7pm, I realized I hadn’t eaten for 8 hours. Now, 8 hours is nothing, I have gone upwards of 48 hours with nothing but tea and diet coke, but at the 8 hour mark I started to feel hungry.

I knew I could resist it, fight it, not give in to it, and eventually the feeling would pass. I was really tempted to do all of that. I had a weigh-in the next day and if I didn’t eat that evening then by my weigh-in time I would have gone without anything solid in my stomach for a little over 24 hours. Add in some planned dehydration and it would be a great weigh-in!

But then this niggling thought entered my head, telling me normal people would eat something. Not just a small bite of something, but a meal. Normal people eat more frequently than every 8 hours or longer. According to the nutritionist I see, they eat every 3 to 4 hours…something I find ridiculous but whatever, shrug.

So I sat, and I wondered if I should eat, and I really couldn’t figure it out. I would think “yes, I should eat something” and then I would sit there paralyzed by a bombardment of thoughts…

  • what should I eat?
  • what quantity of food should I eat?
  • I ate 8 hours ago, do I really need to eat again so soon?
  • what kind of food prep am I going to have to do?
  • I’m tired, do I really have the energy to cook, maybe I should go to bed instead

I sat, curled up in a ball, staring at the kitchen for almost an hour, not knowing what to do. Even when I would decide I was going to eat I just kept sitting there, scared. I felt like I needed someone to tell me it was ok to eat, but who is going to tell me that? The only one I live with is the cat, he certainly isn’t going to tell me anything. I have no one I can reach out to about this, and even if I did, what would I say? “Oh hey, can you please give me permission to eat because I can’t give it to myself” They’d think I was a lunatic.

Eventually I went in to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, trying to tell myself it was ok to eat. When I wasn’t able to do that I tried telling myself why I should eat, that didn’t work either. I don’t have any catch-phrases to tell myself, little inspirational quotes to get me believing I should eat. Hell, I couldn’t even come up with a plausible lie to convince myself to eat.

I ended up telling myself “you need to eat because…well, just because” and left it at that. I made a deal with myself, I could listen to music and dance while cooking, as long as I cooked and ate something. I couldn’t dive right in to it so I cleaned for a little bit and after a while started prepping my veggies.

I made roasted sweet potato and beets. I keep trying to roast root vegetables and they never turn out as good as they should, sigh. These turned out edible, but not amazing. I paired them with two little sausages so I would have some protein in there. I’m supposed to eat something from all four food groups every time I ate but I can’t quite seem to manage that yet.

That sweet potato had been sitting on my counter for 2 weeks! I bought it with the intention of eating it but couldn’t bring myself to cook and eat it. Too dangerous. Last time I tried eating one it sat on my counter for so long it sprouted these long stalks and I planted the thing outside to see if I could grow my own sweet potato…fyi, it worked, but only kinda. I had to plant it in a pot and one cutting resulted in 5 sweet potatoes but the pot was too small and the potatoes were tiny. Ah well. I really wanted to not have to do all that again with this one so I’m kinda happy I managed to eat it, even if it didn’t turn out as tasty as I wanted…I should’ve steamed it, it always tastes good done that way.

After I ate that I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day. I’m super pissed I ate it because I was up at weigh-in today, I’m sure if I had fasted I wouldn’t have been! Arg. So annoying.

I’m told that eating a “healthy amount on a regular basis” will not have me gaining huge amounts of weight and getting fat but one meal put me up over a pound! It’s hard to believe the counselors when the results of eating are easily seen in the number on the scale. If it is a choice between believing what people tell me or believing the scale I gotta say I lean heavily towards believing the scale, how can I not when it gives me concrete truth?

beauty

What My Stomach Feels

This may seem strange to other people but…I don’t really know what the sensations my stomach sends out mean, at least not every time…do other people know how to decode the sensations they feel in their stomachs? I think they probably do, which just makes me a weirdo in yet another way. *rolls eyes*

I gained another pound this week. Last week I lost 0.4lbs so it is safe to say I am NOT impressed. I want to be going down in weight, not staying the same, or going up, and yet, if you average the month I stayed the same. sigh. I go up a little. I go down a little. I go up a little. I go down a little. You get the idea. It sucks!

I can’t find the correlation between what I am doing wrong and the weight gain, I mean ok sure I had a couple binges in there…maybe more than a couple, but I counteracted the binges with restricting days and increased activity so I thought things would be ok.

They are not ok.

So I made a promise to myself, which I already hate because I loathe people who break promises but oh man, this one is freakin hard and I shouldn’t have done it.

I promised myself that every single time I eat something I will eat along with that meal or snack either some fruit or some veggies. I haven’t been eating them very often because well, oh geez, the explanation might need its own paragraph…

Ok, so I tend to not eat fruits and veg not because I don’t like them but because they are not a safe food. You would think they would be safe right? I know a lot of people who have veggies for safe foods because they are low cal but I don’t track calories I track Weight Watcher points. In the land of WW fruits and veggies are 0 points, which means you can eat as many as you want and it doesn’t count against your daily points – your Daily Points being how much food you have to eat in a day. So say you eat a 3oz chicken breast and a cup of veggies, you count the chicken but not the veggies when tallying how many points of food you eat.

But! Just because something doesn’t have points in the land of WW doesn’t mean it doesn’t have calories! Or fat! Or carbs!

If I eat those zero point foods then I don’t have enough space in my stomach to eat food that has points. I also mentally can’t handle eating that much food. So…I cut the zero point food out of my world. Not an absolute cut them out, I eat a tiny bit of fruit and veg, but not very much. I figured I was doing a good thing, all those people on WW who eat their daily points worth of food aaaaand eat fruits and veggies, they are taking in waaaaay more calories than they realize! I was being smart, seeing the flaw and adjusting for it.

However, in my more rational moments I realize I am not eating a well balanced meal plan and maybe the lack of ya know, food groups, is affecting my weight loss?

My safe foods are:

oatmeal, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), bread (two slices a day max), protein pancakes, eggs (one a day max), egg whites (two a day max), turkey bacon (two slices a day max), light shredded cheese (20g max a day), plain chicken breasts (2 per week max), 3oz salmon (1-2 per week max), greek yoghurt OR light cottage cheese (2-3 times a week max)

This past week I was craving corn flakes like crazy so I snagged some from work and added those in to the rotation but otherwise, it doesn’t change much. Obviously I don’t eat all that food in one day, but that is what I rotate between.

So yeah…not really seeing fruit or veg in there. I was eating bananas for a while, I was on a real kick with them and ate one a day, and before the banana kick I was also eating apples, the occasional orange, but like I said, I had to stop because if I eat an orange I am full and can’t eat food that has points that I am supposed to track, which means I end up under my points for the day and according to the program rules that is really bad. Like, epic bad.

Back to my promise to myself…I am now swearing that for a week, every time I eat something I will also have a piece of fruit or some veggies.

So tonight after working out I ate veggies with my chicken…and then I didn’t know what my stomach was doing.

It felt weird, it was making noticeable sensations and I have nooooo idea what they meant. Did they mean I hadn’t eaten enough and was hungry? I decided no since I’d just eaten a full meal by anyone’s standards. Did it mean I cooked something wrong and was getting food poisoning? I decided no because I didn’t throw up. Did it mean I ate too much? Quite possibly, I’m not great at understanding portions. Did it mean I ate when I shouldn’t have? Also quite possible, except, I was back from working out for 2 hours and according to the rules of WW and of people who seem to have this normal eating thing figured out, I should be eating.

So what the hell?

My stomach is making all these weird sensations that I can feel, that are distracting me from the tv show I was trying to watch, that are making me get up and move around because I can’t stand to be feeling them, and I don’t know what they mean, and they are freaking me out!

It is so much easier when I don’t eat, I can identify the pain from not eating, the feeling of my stomach giving up on getting food that day, the feeling of being empty.

This? This sensation that came right after I ate, this I can’t identify and oh man I do not like it.

How do I make it stop??

back 2

Out Of My Routine

I think most people end up following some sort of routine, even if they hate routines and they try to avoid them, by trying to avoid them they end up in them, even if only minimally.

I do not like routines and schedules and yet I find myself following them when it comes to my food.

I don’t think much about it, I guess I just kind of follow my food routine by rote, but then something big changes and that is when I realize just how much I rely on my food routine / schedule to keep me from screwing up food wise or freaking out about what to eat or when to eat or how much to eat.

Tomorrow I am going out of town, only overnight so its not like it is some crazy big trip but I’m already trying to figure out how to handle all the food situations I may find myself in, and oh boy I think there will be many!

I’m meeting up with a friend, she lives in a small town a couple hours from me, and the plan that was hatched involved us going out for a night of drinking and partying and more drinking, then crashing at her place for a bit before going for brunch Saturday mid-morning.

When we made the plans I thought they’d be those plans that never actually happen so I wasn’t worried about it but somehow they are going from theory to reality and uh, crap.

The alcohol alone will kill me calorie wise but add to that the food she will want to eat before we go out, and then eat while out drinking, then eat the next day at brunch…that is a hella lot of food!

So far I have come up with very few ways to get out of eating…

I plan to say I ate before driving up if she suggests food before going out, so at least that should save me from one meal but when out and drinking I dunno…I guess if I am with it enough to remember to say this I can tell her the alcohol is making me feel queasy, or something along that line…and for brunch I suppose I could say I am too hungover to want to eat.

Thing is, she knows I handle my alcohol pretty well, and she knows I don’t get hungover to the point I can’t eat so she might wonder what is going on…I can lie convincingly but I don’t like the idea of planning ahead to lie to her face…something that sucks about having an ed that people don’t think about is how much lying you end up doing, to people you don’t want to lie to, on a regular basis. The little lies become so common you don’t think about them much anymore, but something like what is coming up, when you find yourself planning lies in advance to tell a close friend over the span of 24 hours or so, it makes me feel…unhappy with who I have become. Maybe that’s just me though, shrug.

eating out

skirt

 

I Don’t Know

I’m not sure how I feel about myself today…is that weird?

I started a new eating plan today, I am once again attempting to be “healthy” by society’s standards so I have cut out all carbs except for what is naturally occurring in vegetables and fruit, and theoretically I will be eating high protein and high healthy fat.

I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around there being such a thing as “healthy fat” so instead of trying to reconcile with that I am focusing on the protein. I know I don’t get enough protein but if I am going to stay competitive on my sports team I neeeeeed to get some more in to me, like, daily, not just once every couple weeks. sigh.

I ended up eating a ridiculous amount of food today, I feel overly full, and have a pain in my stomach area, and am not happy at all.

But again, trying not to focus on that and just remember there is a reason I am doing this to myself…I want to race…I am good at racing…but if I can’t keep up my strength I’m screwed and protein is supposed to help with that. But oh my gawd it makes me feel so full and not in a I-had-a-binge-so-at-least-there-was-some-enjoyment-from-getting-to-feel-this-full kind of way but just in a omg-kill-me-now-I-ate-too-much-food-today-and-I-feel-disgusting-and-fat-and-ashamed-and-ugh.

I know that what I ate is considered uber healthy by other people’s standards, but their standards are not my standards and to me I feel like I failed. Any day I eat more than 750 calories feels like I failed.

Despite feeling like I failed, and despite feeling overly full and kinda in pain, I’m not actually as upset as I should be. I thiiiink that is because I researched the shit out of my new eating plan, I have pages and pages of info written up detailing what I will be eating daily so I don’t have to think about it, I can just follow the rules I outlined for myself. I’m hoping that as long as I follow the rules I can get past the freaking out part and handle the eating, and the sensation of having food in me almost all the time but not in a binge quantity level.

Does that even make sense? It does to me but as we all know I don’t necessarily think like other people lol 😛

I am having trouble coping with the knowledge that tomorrow I have to eat all over again. Normally if I ate today I wouldn’t eat tomorrow, or I’d eat very little, but this plan has rules for every day of the week and if I’m gonna follow them one day then I have to follow them every day, otherwise what is the point of torturing myself on some of the days?

The upside to all this is that I also started a new fitness regime so I am working out more, yay! Anything to help burn off some of these calories!

I am still doing my normal exercises but I have added this additional training program, it is one that is designed so you can do it in your house even if you don’t have gym equipment. Normally I don’t like programs like that but this one has good moves (I think anyways), modifications to make it harder, different workouts as the weeks progress, and since I can do them at home I have absolutely no excuse to not work out. Some days I hermit and don’t work out because I can’t face the gym or the hiking trails or anything. But now, even on my hermit days I can do these moves.

I’m really hoping the addition of the extra workouts and the protein will kick in super fast so I see at least some results soon. I know that is stupid, results don’t happen overnight, but if I don’t notice something quickly I am worried I’ll drop this program before I have a chance to see it work and then I’ll be back to square one, fat, desperately trying to get thin, but no idea how to get there…

little by little

MUST REMEMBER THIS!

I Have A Confession

I’ve been eating.

Please don’t hate me for failing!

I’m not sure how I feel about the eating, and I’m not really sure what triggered it.

It isn’t binge eating, that I am all to familiar with.

And it isn’t every day all day.

It is just…eating…kinda like a normal person.

It’s weird.

I’ve been eating meals, like, real, kind of normal person type meals…with a protein, and a veg, in portions not as large as other peoples but not as small as I usually eat.

And those meals I have been eating? I eat them more than once a week. Sometimes I eat them twice a day! Two normal person type meals in one day! In my world that is unheard of.

Today I had a vegetarian panini for lunch and for a late dinner I had 1/2 cup of couscous with some veggies mixed in and a chopped up (cooked) all beef hot dog, oh and I put salsa in there too.

wtf.

That is so unlike me.

One meal a day maaaaaybe. I sometimes do that. When I do it is with many days in between the meals but the past week and a half I’ve been eating…I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I don’t know if I look forward to it ending and me going back to restricting, or if I want this to continue for a bit longer to see where it might lead.

I don’t think I have much control over how long it will last since I don’t feel I had any control in it starting.

I am still fat, which makes me want to not eat. But I’ve done loads of research and a lot of so-called experts say people who eat (or don’t eat) like me have messed up their metabolism to crazy bad levels and that makes weight loss that much harder. Which is depressing to hear. A lot of them advocate slowly increasing the amount of calories eaten per day, I think they call it refeeding, until at a “normal” level, then once the body has evened out it will find a healthy balance. Which I am hoping means my body will balance out to a skinnier level.

Or it could be a conspiracy to get us all fatter.

Who knows?

sigh.

All I know is today I ate two meals. Two!

I don’t know what I will eat tomorrow, and the not knowing is scary, because usually I know what I will be eating, if not the specific foods at least the amount of calories.

But this eating of meals thing? I’ve taken it one step worse and not even been tracking my food intake. I just pick foods that are generally considered healthy, and eat them.

It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.

What do I do?

keep trying

A Step Backwards…Or Forwards?

I am not good at purging, I just can never seem to make myself throw up, sigh. This really bothers me as it seems like an excellent way to deal with a binge session but there ya have it. So the only way I can purge, and it isn’t really purging, or all that effective, is to take laxatives.

I stopped taking them a little while ago, I didn’t want to but they weren’t working all that well anymore and I know it is bad to take them for too long. Then I started restricting so I didn’t feel the need to take them. I was barely taking in enough calories to get through the day, I didn’t need to get rid of the ones I actually ate.

Lately I keep screwing up. I keep eating! Last night I went for dinner with a friend who was visiting from out of town. I told her to pick where she wanted to eat (she used to live here and she had a couple restaurants she really missed) and she picked a fave sushi place of hers. I was so grateful! I can eat sushi, I know what my fave sushi dishes will cost me in calories and I can work with that. So there I am planning in my head what I will order, calculating my calorie intake for the meal before we are even at the restaurant and completely forgetting one vital thing…she over orders at sushi restaurants ALL the time! And I don’t mean she orders food for herself and I order food for myself and she just gets one roll too many for her to handle. I mean she orders multiple dishes with the full intention of us sharing them and will be massively offended if I don’t eat some of everything.

Fuck.

She ordered three appetizers! THREE! And my big mistake was ordering first, sigh. So there I am, ordering two rolls with the intention of saying I didn’t like the higher calorie one once I tried a piece and thereby only eating the one roll and mentally patting myself on my back when I should have been more strategic and had her order first. She ordered two rolls for herself and then the three appies and I thought I was gonna die.

The first appie was spicy sashimi tuna, the tuna is mixed up with cucumbers, carrots and the spicy sauce then put in a serving bowl. The second appie was agadashi tofu which normally I am ok with but this place served it as three separate (large) cubes of tofu, one was drenched in a mango chutney, one in a spicy dressing and one was done traditional. The third appie was chicken bites (think two bites to eat each piece), the chicken was battered and fried and then drenched in a sweet and spicy sauce.

OMFG! 😦

I ate a bunch of the cucumber from the spicy sashimi tuna bowl because I figured if she saw me putting my chopsticks in that bowl often she’d assume I was eating the fish and it would trick her.

It did not.

She was counting (roughly) how much of each dish she ate so as to not accidentally eat my half of each dish.

I love that she is so generous and thoughtful but in that moment I hated that about her. sigh.

In the end I ate tuna sashimi, chicken bites, the equivalent of 1.5 cubes of tofu (each half in a different sauce) and my rolls. Yup, ate both the freakin rolls cause when I tried my whole “hmm, it doesn’t taste right” routine she tried a piece and was all “oh no, its fine, don’t worry about it, eat! eat!” and with her watching my every move I couldn’t figure a way out of eating the food.

See why being able to throw up would be such a useful skill??

I felt disgusting. My stomach felt disgusting, overly full and gross and oh so unpleasant. I would have given anything to be able to crawl out of my own skin last night and not experience the process of digesting all that food. Something that sucks even more is when I got up this morning for work I was obviously still digesting the freakin meal.

I know people say it takes 3 hours to digest food but I digest waaaaay slower than other people, I am sure of it! I can feel the food in my stomach way longer than three hours.

So yeah, there I am this morning still digesting the food from last night, I did not start my day off feeling well. The food sat heavy in my stomach for the entire day, even now when it is after midnight my stomach is still heavy. The sensations, *shudder*, I hate it, all that food, knowing it is in me, knowing I am fatter because of eating, knowing it is taking its sweet ass time digesting, knowing that I am bloated, it sickens me.

Because of still feeling heavy and gross I chose to take laxatives this evening. I held off as long as I could, I didn’t want to go back to using them, partly because I was kinda proud that I had stopped them and partly because I am scared that taking them today will make it easier to binge another day because I have put taking laxatives back on the table in terms of options I have for dealing with a binge.

But I just couldn’t not take them, it was too much. Soooooo, I took them. The natural ones so they aren’t as bad as a bunch as the medicine type ones.

I can’t decide if this is a step backwards because I did again something I had stopped or if it is a pro-active step forward because I am taking firmer control of my weight loss and taking steps to mitigate the damage done to me by eating all that food.

At this point I am not thinking I will be saving myself calories by flushing the food out of me, I just really need this sensation in my stomach gone, I need to get rid of this food so I can start my restricting on an emptier stomach, be in an easier frame of mind, have one less distracting thing to cope with.

Thank god tomorrow is a day off and I can focus solely on exercising and restricting my calories.

I really need these pills to kick in so I can go to bed feeling slightly less disgusted with myself and hopefully wake up in a better frame of mind, all ready to work out and kick ass and get back on track with my weight loss.

ednos 2

dream