Tag Archives: eating disorder program

I Suck At Self-Compassion

Alrighty so the way my ed recovery program works is I am in an 8 week group session that meets once a week and once every two weeks I meet with a dietitian. I think I could actually meet with the dietitian more often but I’m not ready for that…same with my case worker, I think I could meet with her more often but I’m scared to ask and seem too needy. I do meet with her at the end of each new 8 week group for a check-in and actually, she is co-running the group I am in right now so I guess if I was really super duper struggling on the day I have group I could maybe ask her for a minute, but again, I haven’t actually tried asking because pfft, I don’t do that! 😉

After the 8 week group session is over there is about a month where I go to drop in groups (there are two or three to choose from) and my case manager decides which of the next 8 week groups she thinks would be good for me.

My first 8 week group was the Education Group, pretty much everyone starts with that one so we all have the same starting off point education wise about all sorts of things regarding ed.

The group I am in now is the Building Compassion Group and oh my god I suck at it! *rolls eyes*

It would appear I am not good at having self-compassion and not only that, I have massive instinctive road blocks around the topic aaaaaaand my brain goes completely blank when I am trying to come up with an example of self-compassion or self-care. I feel like I am failing this group…I don’t know if that is a thing, oh god, what if that is a thing and I have to repeat it? I so don’t want to repeat this group, ugh.

We have homework, and talk about stuff from our past and how it relates to our eating disorder and we talk about how we should talk to ourselves in a kind and caring way and blah blah blah. I am supposed to try talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend if they were going through the same situation, the theory being I would never be as mean to my friend as I am to myself but that doesn’t really work for me. We also do this guided meditation type thing at the start where we think of something about ourselves we are unhappy with, then let ourselves feel the pain associated with that, then be kind to ourselves and acknowledge that we feel the pain because we were hurt and to talk in a compassionate way to ourselves about that situation to help us move past it, or embrace it, or something, I dunno…it all sounds like new age hippie crap to me. sigh. I can manage to think of something I don’t like about myself, and even manage to feel some of the pain associated with that thing I don’t like, but that is as far as I get. There are no compassionate words coming to mind to say to myself, there is no acknowledging of a situation that was beyond my control and letting myself off the hook, there is no coming to terms with stuff.

I don’t feel I need to come to terms with anything. I believe that if something hurts you then you should use that pain to make you stronger. Use that pain to build a stronger defence so when something like that happens again you don’t get hurt again.

So yeah, I think I am not properly grasping this whole compassion thing.




I couldn’t find a thinspo image that seemed right for this post and that got me thinking maybe I shouldn’t always put a thinspo image because ya know, I’m supposed to be trying to get better and scrolling through all those images isn’t exactly good for my frame of mind, so does not putting one of those pictures on my post count as a self-compassionate act? I feel it should count and I want a gold star for it! 😉




Flare Up

So apparently the stress of an upcoming first session at ED counselling makes all sorts of ED behaviours flare up to crazy levels. sigh.

This past week and a half I was either restricting more than I had been or wanting to binge eat soooooo much. I knew I was freaking out about today but knowing why I was going crazy didn’t help me to stop going crazy or stop the urges or stop the behaviours.

Why does self-awareness not help stop the urges and behaviours? Seems if I am going to be looking internally at myself and figuring shit out the least that could come from it is lessened ED behaviours.

I guess I am asking for too much *rolls eyes*

So this first 7 weeks is Education Group. Today was sort of an intro to what to expect for the entire 7 weeks as well as talking a bit about why we develop eating disorders, what purpose they can serve, things like that. The group is run by two people and they divided us up in to groups to work together on some little projects. I didn’t mind the two other people in my group but oh man there is a woman in the larger group that I wanted to smack. She is so full of anger and has what appears to be absolutely no control of her anger. Ugh. She is constantly muttering under her breath, swearing, making sharp angry movements and noises when something is said she doesn’t like.

I get it, this process is most likely gonna suck, and she learned today that there is no guarantee of recovery and even if you do recover there is a chance of relapsing and you can even get part way through recovery, say move from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and then relapse back to Stage 1 before moving forward again to eventually reach Stage 3. I don’t see why learning this admittedly sucky information necessitated her behaving so demonstratively and so immaturely.

I guess I shouldn’t judge her too harshly since it has only been one session, and I will try to have a more open mind in regards to her behaviour next week but I really hope she doesn’t keep acting like this.

On another note we are supposed to make sure we are nourished before coming to the session so that we are better able to learn and pay attention. Uh, hello, I’ve been restricting my food for years, I am perfectly capable of learning when malnourished lol I don’t usually eat before noon so no way am I eating before going to this session, it starts at 10am! Who eats that early?? They provide Boost and some sort of bar, maybe a granola bar, not too sure as I went nowhere near either item. If we don’t eat prior, or if we feel the need to eat we are supposed to help ourselves. We are also welcome to bring our own snacks and eat while in the session, as long as we aren’t disruptive about it.

I don’t know why but this strikes me as ridiculous.

Eating some sort of Boost drink or bar when I don’t have the nutritional information is so not gonna happen! And bringing a snack and eating it in front of others? No thanks! Or even just eating in general at that time of day? Nuh-uh!

I’m curious to see if anyone else eats something in front of the group…



Not A Great Day

The title says it all. Today is not a great day. I woke up in a blah mood, not really wanting to face the world but having things I had to do so out I went. I really should have never left the apartment, ugh. I am easily irritated today, have no patience, am near tears, and just want to hide from everyone and everything.

At the same time part of me just doesn’t care. I was driving earlier, saw a car coming, turned anyways, cut them off, they were blowing their horn at me, it was a dumb ass move that could have caused an accident and yet…I just don’t care. I didn’t care when I did it, I don’t care now, I am numb.

I had a work lunch, they served Malaysian food, I took a random assortment of things, mostly things in sauces that spread out a lot so my plate looked like it had more food on it than it really did. I also purposefully took a serving of the pork dish, pretending I didn’t realize it was pork, so when I sat down and “discovered” the pork I could be all shocked and dismayed and nobody blinked at me not eating that part of my food – they all know I don’t eat pork. Yay for being good at deceiving people I guess…

I went to a drop in meeting last Monday for people with ED. I have been on a waiting list for 4 months to get some sort of help, frankly I kinda thought they forgot about me, so I was plugging along, doing my own thing, losing weight and doing ok when out of nowhere they called. I had an info session type of thing, learned the rules etc, and then had my first group meeting. I start actual classes or something in January but until then I am required to attend minimum 2 drop in sessions per month. There are 3 different types of drop in session and I can pick any combo of the three types I want.

The one I went to is a Weekly Support Group. The other two are a Weekly Relaxation / Meditation Group and a Weekly Meal Support Group.

The Weekly Support Group was ok I guess. A bunch of people with various eating disorders sitting around talking about all kinds of things with a shrink and a dietitian sitting with us for mediation / information / feedback. It was weird to hear other people talking about behaviours that I do, or about having the same thoughts that I think. It isn’t like I thought I was the only person who had these thoughts or behaviours or issues but I’ve never talked openly to anyone about them and never heard other people talking openly about what they do.

Since that meeting though, my restrictive eating has increased. I had gotten to what I thought of as a decent balance of food, not too much food, not too little food, for me. This past week though it seems like there is no end to situations that occur that end with me eating something I shouldn’t, and all the restricting I have been doing has not been enough compensation, resulting in my having gained weight this week. 😦

I knew I had gained weight, I could feel that I had, and I am freakin miserable about it. Seeing that number on the scale go up makes me want to cry, or punch something, or not care when I drive, or binge, or purge, or restrict more, or engage in any number of not good for me activities.

So ever since weigh-in today I’ve been struggling. Before weigh-in I was just in a bad mood, since weigh-in I am in a destructive mood. On my way home part of me was all “might as well drive to a bakery and get allllll the food!” while another part of me was all “no food! for minimum 24 hours! must fix this!”

I don’t know which part to listen to, eat everything, eat nothing…I just don’t know.

I compromised, when I got home I took a Cayenne Pepper extract and a Green Tea extract. You are supposed to take them when eating a meal but it was pretty soon after my work lunch so I hoped it would still count. The combo is supposed to help you metabolize your food faster. I decided that if it seemed like they had worked, and if later in the day I feel hungry, I would allow myself some vegetables. If they didn’t seem to work then I would just drink lots of water, tea, and diet coke and wait to eat until sometime tomorrow afternoon.

I’m so mad at going up 1.8lbs in weight when I’ve been working so hard and as of last week had lost 18lbs. Now I feel like I have to start all over.


ED Program Orientation

I went to the orientation session for the Adult ED Program Monday afternoon. I had to leave work an hour early to get there in time, it isn’t that it is super far from my work, more that I had to get there during rush hour and traffic crawls during rush hour so a half hour trip can take up to two hours at times.

I was going back and forth between wanting there to be a lot of people there and wanting there to be barely any other people there, there are pros and cons to both, shrug. People could bring others with them, their support systems, if they wanted, so that made it look more crowded. In total there were 6 people there who are going through orientation in order to get in to the program. The average wait time from now till there is a spot is roughly three months which kinda sucks. Not like I am looking forward to all the work that seems to be involved with being in this program but what little desire I have to change is in me now and I’m worried in three months it’ll be gone. It’s like how when you have a sore tooth and you put off going to the dentist but then you finally screw up your courage, take the plunge, and make an appointment asap so you don’t have time to back out. That is how I look at this whole getting help thing.

But alas, I have no control over the time it will take for them to have an opening soooooo, meh, just gotta wait I guess.

I got a bunch of paperwork, information about other resources I can tap in to until they have a spot for me, a booklet with information about eating disorders, stuff like that. I skimmed through the book, well through all of it really, but the book is what I think I will be most interested in. There is stuff in there that answered questions I had never thought to ask, and that was with me just skimming, not actually reading, so who knows what else I might learn!

I was totally stressing that (1) I’d be the fattest person there and (2) there’d be lots of personal questions or an interview stage to the orientation, something like that, and I’d have to get all personal an shit.

Neither happened. There was one girl who was waaaaaay bigger than me, two who were slim build but looking healthy, two who were underweight (one by a lot) and me, fitting somewhere in there.

The majority of the orientation was one of the doctors that runs the program telling us all kinds of things, an overview of how the program works, what to expect, blah blah blah. She also gave all of us ample opportunity to ask questions but for the most part we all stayed quiet, like, super quiet. There was one guy, he is the husband of one of the underweight ladies who was there as part of her support system and he asked some really good questions. Questions I was glad he asked cuz I didn’t want to ask but I was happy to hear the information. I did eventually ask a couple of questions, nothing earth shattering, but things I wanted to know. Other than that one guy and I asking a couple questions each there was no talk between the doc running the session and the group.

So now there is nothing much for me to do, except try to not get drastically worse before I get an actual spot in the program. Even though I was listening to everything and trying to focus I don’t remember all the stuff we were told so I can’t go in to much detail about the program itself but lets see what I can remember…

  • it is a group based program so while there is some one-on-one stuff the program works mostly on participants going to group sessions
  • you have 18 months to work the program – that doesn’t mean you have to be cured in 18 months or that you may need to take the full 18 months, just that is how much time each person gets. If you need more time then you can ask your doctor to submit another referral and you will get back in…presumably when there is another opening
  • they work with other programs in the area so if this one ends up not being a good fit they can help a person get in to a different program
  • you can’t fail a group – that was one of my questions. All that is asked is that you participate and try as much as you can because the more you participate the more you will get out of it. I was actually asking in reference to this one group where you have to bring a meal (that follows their guidelines, god knows what they insist a person eat!) and eat with the group then hang out afterwards…I don’t think I can do that and I’m wondering if I am not able to eat the meal, or deal with hanging out afterwards, or don’t bring the “right” meal, if I will be kicked out but I didn’t want to go in to more detail about that so I’m leaving that as a thing to be found out later
  • if you miss 2 group sessions in a month (I think it is a month) then you are asked to leave that particular group and if you miss I can’t remember how many group sessions or whatever within a certain amount of time you are asked to leave the program and reapply when you can better commit to it

That is all I can remember right now…but I figure that is enough lol