Tag Archives: counselling

Changes

I’m not great at dealing with changes that aren’t my decision. Which, really, covers a lot of changes.

Usually I can bring myself around to being ok with the changes given enough time, how much time is needed is really dependent on what the change is and how off guard it caught me.

Something else I’m not good at dealing with is people going away. I guess you could say I have abandonment issues. *rolls eyes* I’m usually pretty good at pulling away and cutting ties first, before the other person can, and that has always worked for me. Every now and then the other person manages to leave first and it reinforces to me how I have to be more diligent and make sure I am the strong one who is leaving, not the weak one who is left behind.

But there are two people, one who left but is coming back, and one who is leaving soon, that are part of my treatment team, and the changes are really fucking with me.

My case worker disappeared ages ago. So long ago I don’t even remember for sure when she left! It sort of didn’t matter, since I was seeing someone else one-on-one, and already set up for my next group. I really only see her at the end of an 8 week group where she and I have a debrief and she tells me what group I go in to next, or I guess I could reach out to her in distress or with a question but I never have. She was co-running the group I am in now so her leaving meant someone else came in, but it is someone I know and am used to so I didn’t mind that she was there. What I did mind was that a different doctor, let’s use the initial M for her, was all of a sudden everywhere. She was co-running the drop-in instead of my case worker, she was co-running my core group, she randomly phoned me one week to talk about the core group, she had someone else come speak to me after drop-in because of something I had written on a check-in form we fill out at the end of our weekly group session. Seriously, I can’t get away from M if I try, and it was like she was taking the place of my case worker, and I don’t like that.

I don’t like that she left. I don’t like that some other person seemed to just step right in and take over all her stuff. I don’t like that nobody tells us anything so I have no idea if or when she is coming back. She could be dead for all I know.

Then this past week I find out she is coming back in the next week or so…and it seems I don’t know how I feel about that. She just left, out of nowhere. And now she is just allowed to waltz back in and resume where she left off? Does this mean she is still my caseworker? She doesn’t even know what I’ve been doing these past months while she’s been away. I don’t know if I want to deal with her again because I have trust issues and it took a lot for me to tell her anything and trust her to what extent I had been able, and then she left, and now what, she’s back so I’m just supposed to automatically trust her again? Or still?

I dunno. It’s weird to me.

The other person, let’s call him B, is the counsellor I see for one-on-one sessions. He is technically a student, doing his practicum work, and he is done in three weeks. This is even more stupid, because I knew all along he’d be gone somewhere around April, I knew he wasn’t a permanent part of my treatment team, but he has also been the most helpful person to me, the most supportive person in my journey, my time with him has had more impact on my recovery than any of the other groups combined. Which is kind of funny considering I signed up to meet with him thinking I’d meet with him once, not like it, and back out but feel ok about it because at least I tried. But it turned out I didn’t mind talking to him, and in fact, my sessions with him have become a huge touchstone in my week and I will be lost without them.

I know he is leaving. I have always known he was going to leave. I didn’t think I’d get attached to him, but I did. And I don’t know what I am going to do once our one-on-ones are over. I know he isn’t a friend, he is my counsellor, but he is the only person I speak with, who doesn’t have an eating disorder, who knows I have an eating disorder, who I can talk openly with about whatever I want. I can tell him flat out I need help figuring out if something I am thinking is messed up or normal. I have had him pry information out of me on days I am shut down and not able to access my emotions. He has seen me confused, sad, pissed off, and I know that is his job, I know him being there and helping me through shit is because it is his career, not because we are friends hanging out, but I feel like I am going to miss having him around the way I miss having a friend around. There will be a noticeable absence in my life, my routine, and in this case, my mental health support system.

I don’t want him to go, even as I want him to graduate and go do awesome things.

I don’t deal well when I lose people. If they come back it takes me even longer to trust them again. When they leave it affects me not just on the surface, but right down to my core beliefs, because their leaving reinforces all the negative shit I feel about myself, all the negative outlooks I have on life, society, everything.

I know it is messed up. I know that I knew the whole time he would be leaving. I stupidly let myself get used to having him around and I actually started relying on him, and now I don’t know what to do. How am I going to cope? If it was anybody else leaving I’d be talking to him about how to cope but I can’t very well go to him about this. I can already feel myself shutting down as a defence, to help stop or block the hurt I know I will feel when he is really gone. I am getting moodier, more depressed, not laughing or talking as much, withdrawing from everything, getting more aggressive, more sarcastic, binge eating more, then restricting more. All sorts of things that are manifestations of how unhappy I am are popping up and I don’t really give a fuck.

I’m becoming more anti-social? Who cares, it is how I am normally anyways. This whole making friends thing was an anomaly that wasn’t going to last anyways.

I’m talking less? Participating less? So what, I don’t need people to talk to, or groups to participate in. I’m fine on my own, always have been, always will be.

I’m relying less on my support system? I should be. Support systems are for losers, for wimps, for cowards, who can’t face the world alone. I am alone, I am strong enough to take care of myself because I am the only one who will.

Deep down I’m confused and sad? Screw that. Bury those emotions, squash em down until you don’t feel them anymore, they are a waste of energy and make me weak.

I hate this. I hate that I used to not be aware of shit like this, I just was how I was, and now I am more aware but still completely incapable of handling the overload of emotions. So now I am overloaded on top of all the shit I am feeling, and vaguely aware that my coping mechanisms are not helpful to my recovery or to living a normal life, but again, don’t know how to not engage in them. So I’m aware that I’m sliding, but not equipped with enough skills to stop the slide.

This fucking sucks.

 

No one is watching me slide below street level

Barely alive

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Today

Today I had meal support and right afterwards I had my one-on-one session with my counsellor.

Today was kinda hard.

To start with I didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m tired. All. The. Time. I’ve been cancelling on people, calling in sick to work, “accidentally” not setting my alarm so I wake up too late to get somewhere so I then roll over and sleep some more, I’m just so tired.

Then there is the issue of carbs.

I love carbs.

I hate carbs.

I am supposed to be a low carb eater, that is how I present myself to the world at least, but when I binge I binge on carbs like you wouldn’t believe. Well, carbs and ice cream..and a crap ton of other stuff, but the main component is carbs. Man I love carbs *wistful sigh*

In front of people however, I do not eat carbs. Let me stress this for you so you understand how serious I am about this…I DO NOT EAT CARBS!

Except at meal support there is no option. I have to take a balanced meal with a protein, a fruit / veg, a dairy, and a carb…they call it grain, I call it carb.

The carb and dairy component are the hardest parts for me. I have figured out I can manage greek yoghurt with some fruit in it without too much issue but the carb, kills me every week. I keep trying different things, a dinner bun, a piece of bread, counted out crackers, two ingredient dough turned in to something. I absolutely refuse to eat rice, potato, pasta, starchy veg, a sandwich (takes two pieces of bread and I can barely manage one), or any other form of carb you can think of.

Today I tried a bran muffin that I made myself the night before. There was nothing wrong with it, tastes good, but I reeeeally didn’t want to eat it in that room, in front of people, or at all really. I would have been quite content to throw it away having never eaten a crumb.

Meal support is hard for me for a lot of reasons, the eating in front of people part, the time of day the meal is, having to eat everything within 20-30 minutes, having to eat so much in one sitting, not being able to leave right afterwards. I get in that room and I feel trapped by the people, the food, the choices in food I made, the clock, everything.

Today I was trapped by the muffin. I tried to convince the person running group half the muffin should be enough but nope, apparently it isn’t.

In the end I ate it, and have been dealing with the emotional fallout for the rest of the day.

Then there was my one-on-one session, which wasn’t too too bad. I like talking to him, but some weeks are harder than others and this week I had a specific thing I wanted to talk to him about (which I did) but I also wanted to ask him some questions but I ran out of time and couldn’t. Plus I feel like an idiot half the time, ok fine, all the time, because oh woe is me I have issues with food and need someone to talk to…when there are people starving, or in actual bad life situations, and here I am being a drain on the medical system. sigh. That may or may not be me minimizing my issues to try to guilt myself in to quitting recovery…something I suppose I should bring up to my counsellor at some point *rolls eyes* So yeah, today was one of those days where I feel like an idiot for my issues, plus I feel tired, plus I ate that fuckin muffin, what was I thinking making those??

And now it is late at night in my time zone, I never made it to the gym thanks to being sucked in to the Olympics and because I’m tired (I feel like I’ve written that a thousand times, sorry!), before I know it my work week will be ramping up again, and I dunno, life just seems harder today. Which makes me feel guilty because other people’s lives are so much worse I should just be grateful for what I have that is good and suck up the shitty stuff. Right? Maybe? I dunno.

I’m tired.

Today was hard.

I’m going to bed.

Ups and Downs

I haven’t written in a long time, partly due to not being able to see while I was recovering from eye surgery and partly because once I could see well enough to be able to do stuff online I had lost all my mojo. I didn’t want to do anything. I stopped reading, I had the tv on but didn’t really watch it, I avoided social situations like everyone had the plague, I basically turned in to even more of a hermit than I already am. sigh.

I’ve been struggling…a lot! While my mom was here to help me during post-op I ate more per day than I have in a long time because she was making and serving the food and I didn’t have much say in things. After she left I tried to keep roughly to the food schedule she had inadvertently put me on because even though I didn’t want to be eating that much some part of my brain realized she eats more normally than I do and maybe I should mimic her.

So I tried.

And I failed.

Shocker.

I managed for a little bit but I hit a bit of a down spot after she left. Turns out I had forgotten what it feels like to have a family member nearby and when she was gone I was sad. That caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

Once I was back in to my routine I got over it, so its all good now in regards to that but I dunno, something is off and I can’t figure out what.

I’m not sad anymore but I’ve hit some kind of new low point with my eating habits. I’m on day 8 of binge eating and I can’t seem to stop.

Every. Freakin. Day. I’ve been having a binge.

Sometimes on sweet stuff, sometimes on savory, whatever, doesn’t seem to matter, I just keep eating. I feel like I’ve gained twenty pounds in those 8 days. My jeans are too tight, my shirts are fitting too snug on my belly area, my cheeks are rounder.

I’ve gotten fatter.

All this eating has made me massive and I can’t seem to stop.

😦

I’ve been doing research and there is this organization that offers counselling an treatment an stuff for people with eating disorders for free. You have to be referred by a doctor. I emailed them a long time ago asking some questions and got a fast response, which was surprising. They answered my question and suggested I go see my doctor to get a referral to them. They also said if I don’t have a doctor I can go to a walk-in clinic and get a referral from there.

I have a doctor but I don’t see her often, I avoid doctors plus even when I do need to see her she’s really hard to get an appointment with so I usually go the walk-in clinic that I went to before I got my actual doctor.

Thing is…I don’t know what to say to a doctor, whether it is mine or a walk-in doc…I mean what, they come in the little room and ask what they can do for me and I’m just supposed to blurt out I need a referral to such-and-such program? That’s crazy! I can barely type the words let alone speak them to someone!

And what happens if I actually manage to ask for the referral? They aren’t just going to write that sucker up, they will probably ask questions, put me on the spot, maybe want to send me for medical tests or something and I’m so fat I don’t look like someone with an eating disorder so they won’t believe me and then I’ll be humiliated when I leave there with nothing. Aaaaand! Doesn’t that shit go in to my permanent medical record? What if I apply for a job that requires people to be stable and good at dealing with stress an shit, will they be able to find out I requested a referral and then deny me a job because of that? Some things need to stay private, ya know?

So I’m at a bit of an impasse…part of me must want to ask for the referral and try the program or I wouldn’t keep thinking about it but a bigger part of me is scared of the unknown situation I have to put myself in to ask for the referral…I’d do better if I knew what, if anything, I would be asked by the doctor but the only way I will know that is if I go ask…catch 22 anyone? *rolls eyes*

Oh and another worry of mine, if it gets written down somewhere that I have or am suspected of having an ed then does that mean any medical problem I have in the future will automatically be linked to an ed. Will doctors listen to me when I say I have the flu and can’t eat and assume I am lying and am restricting? Are they gonna want to weigh me? I can’t stand knowing I am being judged, I judge myself so much that knowing someone I am supposed to ask for help is judging me is more than I can handle.

It seems unfair that to access help I have to go through this, it’s like some weird test that I am obviously failing since I can’t even bring myself to walk near the doc’s office let alone go in and ask for help…

I don’t suppose someone reading this has had to go through something similar and could give me a heads up for what to expect at the docs? Maybe? Or is that cheating?

Fuck.

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lose weight

 

 

I Almost Told

to tell

My issues with food are my own little secret, well, mine and whomever reads this but since I don’t have my name or anything on here, really, they are just mine lol

Nobody I know in real life knows I struggle, they don’t have a clue about what goes on in my head or my kitchen, I like it that way because I don’t want to face the judging and the recrimination and the guilt I would feel every time they looked at me. Also, some days I like my food obsession, it is mine, I hold it close, it keeps me company, it helps define who I am, it helps me cope, it comforts me.

I delude myself in to thinking I can control it.

There are days though where I know it controls me, and those days scare me. Those days where I eat uncontrollably, where I hide from the world because I am sure what I have been stuffing in my face will be apparent to every person who sees me, where I am so overwhelmed I can’t cope, where I feel constrained by my food issues, trapped, closed off from the world, from my friends, from having fun. Some days I hate it.

Even in the midst of hating it, when I feel I am drowning and I desperately want someone to help me, I don’t tell. To tell would be to relinquish control, to admit I have a problem, to be defenseless…I can’t do that…

A couple of months ago, a friend was having a hard time and she found an organization that provides counselling for a set amount of time (I think a couple months or so) for free. Free is good considering I have no money lol

I always wanted to ask her for the contact information but I knew if I asked she would want to know why I wanted it and I didn’t know how to deal with that convo so I never asked. Well, last night we were hanging out and I asked her how the counselling went, if she thought it helped her. Turns out she never ended up going, scheduling conflicts, but she said from the contact she did have with the people there she wishes she went because she thinks they would have been able to help her a lot, even if it was just someone to vent to.

She asked why I was asking and I did something I have never done before, I told her I was thinking that maybe I should talk to someone because I was having some trouble with food and thought maybe someone could help me…

She didn’t have any of the responses I thought she would have…I mean yeah, I made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal, like it was a very minor thing and if I spoke to someone or not it wouldn’t make that big of a difference but still, her response mattered a lot to me.

In the end she insisted I go to her place this coming week because she is going to cook me dinner, which makes me think she really didn’t understand just how much trouble I am having with food lol but the thought behind her gesture is nice and I appreciate it.  She also said we’ll buddy up, we’ll encourage each other to be healthy, to exercise, to lose weight…which while part of me thinks “yay!” part of me thinks “great, someone I feel pressured to not screw up for, sigh”

I have huge amounts of appreciation for how she responded, how she offered to help, how she wants to be there for me, even though everything she offered and suggested just makes me feel pressured and backed in to a corner. That isn’t her fault though, it is mine, and I’ll have to work on it.

Having sort-of told somebody I feel exposed and in danger and like I have to be prepared to defend myself at a moments notice, which part of me is aware is ridiculous but part of me can’t seem to control.

I don’t like how I am feeling and wish I hadn’t told, even in that minor way, but a small part of me is holding on to the hope that something good will come from this and in the end I’ll be glad I told…glad and skinnier… 😉

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