Tag Archives: bones

An Achievement

Something to celebrate, a small achievement, but one I am proud of.

Though, I don’t know how best to describe it and I don’t post pictures of myself on here so not like I can show you…lemme try to explain…

You know when you lay down on your back and lift your head to look down the length of your body to see how flat and bony it looks?

Well, when I got home today I stripped out of my clothes in order to put on some cozy sweats but I lay down on the bed first. As I was laying on the bed in only my underwear I started feeling my ribs and hips with my hands.

No, I wasn’t feeling myself up or anything, I just like to test out my bones, see if they are getting more prominent. I don’t really see myself as I am most of the time so I find I can get a better idea of how much I am losing (or heaven forbid, gaining!) if I feel without looking.

Anyways!

My hip bone felt bonier, I was laying on my side though so it doesn’t really count. So I rolled over onto my back and was feeling my hips and thought “yup, they do feel more pronounced” so I decided to chance it and I looked down the length of my body to take a look at my hips.

Normally when I do this all I see if fat so I don’t like doing this.

Today though I noticed my rib cage is sticking out farther than my breasts (don’t take that as being too impressive, my bra was off and my boobs were flattened from gravity, stupid gravity, sigh) but the big thing, the exciting thing, the thing I am proud of is that there was a gap between my skin and my panties because my panties were held aloft from my body by my hips.

I had a panty gap!

Which I don’t know if that is what it is actually called but who the fuck cares? I have one!

Aaaaaand since my explanation makes nooooo sense I’m gonna try to find a pic…

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Ok so see in the picture above how the waistband isn’t touching the torso cuz the hipbones stick out? That is what mine are doing now!

Only I don’t look as good as in this picture cuz this girl is way skinnier than me. But hey, I’m getting there! *crosses fingers*

I’ve been getting better with keeping my calories low and my binges less frequent. I think I sorta inadvertently reset when my friend died. I was so upset that I lost my appetite completely and when it started to come back I was better able to be ruthless about not giving in to it.

I’m going to have to be extra strict for the next week or so as I hurt my knee and can’t run until it is a bit more stable. I’m going to try the bike at the gym tomorrow, see if I can manage that ok, if so then I guess that’ll be my cardio for a while, which sucks balls cause I get a way better workout from running (even though I hate running with a passion) but it is either take it easy for a week and then be ok or push myself and hurt my knee even more which then prevents me from working out at all, for months. It has happened. It is horrible. I really can’t go through that again.

I think I’ll be able to maintain the strictness though, now that I have that panty gap, it’ll be great motivation. After all, I just got it, I don’t want to lose it!

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Official Weigh-In

Every Thursday I have what I think of as my Official Weigh-In. I weigh myself everyday at home but my scale is not as accurate as a scale I have access to on Thursdays so I use my daily at home weigh-ins as a guideline but if asked my weight or when I think of my weight I go by the number on the Thursday weigh-in.

My scale only goes by the 0.5 but this other scale gives much more accurate numbers, so instead of a ###.5 it might say ###.3, and accuracy is important!

Yesterday I put in a 14 hour work day and wasn’t home and in bed until almost 5am Thursday morning. When my alarm went off so I’d get up for weigh-in I hit “Stop” instead of “Snooze” and next thing I know I have missed my shot at being weighed in on the better scale.

Arg! 😦

So. Annoying.

Alas, the world isn’t going to end, but it does irritate me because despite my long work day yesterday and some poor food choices made I am pretty sure I still lost weight this week. One and a half pounds if you’re wondering.

Yay!

Down from my two pounds lost per week for the last two weeks but see, that is where the decimal point number comes in to play. My scale said I was down 1.5 pounds but it could be higher, like 1.8…it could also be lower, like 1.4 but let’s not focus on that k? 😉

Another annoying thing about my scale is it always shows me as lower than the better scale. Now, this could be because I weigh myself at home right after going to the toilet and only wearing panties (sorry for the tmi) whereas the other scale has me wearing clothes. Oh the hardship of weighing in somewhere other than your own bathroom, le sigh.

I am always so much happier with the number on my scale than the more accurate scale, but only because it shows me as lower than what I suppose I actually am. The only time I lean towards thinking it is more truthful is one day last summer when it was super humid out. Inside my place it was still nice and cool but as soon as I got outside the humidity got me and by the time I got to my weigh-in my hair was frizzy and I could feel that my skin was retaining water, or is it that my body is retaining water? Either way, I could feeeeel the effects of the humidity, and the scale sure showed it! The lady weighing me said everyone was up that day due to the humidity and not to worry and I think she was right because the next week I was down all that I had “gained” plus some.

While I don’t have my official weigh-in results, thanks to missing my chance, I still know I went down because of what my scale showed me when I got up. I just don’t know for sure what I weigh right now, officially, and it is driving me a tad nuts lol I wanna know!

Not knowing though won’t be an excuse to go all crazy food wise. In fact I think it’ll just have me work harder so that next week when I step on the better scale I can have that much more of a loss.

Dedication. It sure can achieve results! 😀

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New Bones

Last week I noticed that the rib bones on the top part of my chest (above my breasts) are more visible. I don’t know when exactly that happened, it isn’t an area I focus on a lot, and I never thought I was fat there before but now that I can clearly see the bones there I wonder how I didn’t notice I had extra fat there.

Was I oblivious?

I think it is more that my collarbones are fairly prominent and I’m more concerned about the extra fat on my abdominal area and thighs. Gotta prioritize ya know?

So yeah…I’ve been losing more weight, yay! and gained new bones, yay! and I have massive amounts of fear that I will screw this up and lose them, boo!

Lose them…like they will fall out of my body or something *rolls eyes* Losing them would be having them once again hidden under dreaded fat. But seriously, why couldn’t the fat have come off other areas first? sigh.

For days after I noticed the new bones I was happy, I wished I had someone to share this new development with but not like there is anybody to tell. So I stayed quiet about it and hugged the news to myself, using it to boost my mood when I started to get a bit down. I also used it as motivation for restricting even more and helping to bolster my will power when tempted to eat.

Pretty fucked up huh?

I didn’t think it was all that noticeable to other people, I generally wear not high neck tops but not low ones either, so the area is covered up for the most part but something odd happened. I went to work and three different managers took time to sit down with me, give me some serious eye contact, and ask if I was ok.

Strange huh?

There is one person who knows a bit of what I go through, she doesn’t understand and keeps telling me to “just eat already!” but someone who knows a little bit is better then not having anybody, I guess…I’m not really sure…but in theory it is better. So yeah, she is a friend at work and I got paranoid that she ratted me out to management but I asked her about it and she swears she didn’t. She thinks they sat me down to talk because my initial weight loss was a “wow, how awesome” kind of thing but has gone too far and is now a “she’s getting too skinny” kind of thing. I don’t believe her, she is definitely exaggerating because I am nowhere near skinny enough to look like someone who anyone should worry about. I still have too much fat on me in too many places. But the timing sure was odd.

My initial happiness about the new chest bones has faded. I’m still happy about them, and I look at them in the mirror every day to make sure they aren’t getting hidden under fat again, but life gets in the way and other things have over ridden the happy emotions I got after first noticing the bones.

A friend died, and I’m not handling it well. I’m binge eating like crazy, which is making me more paranoid about losing the bones, which drives me to take more diet pills and laxatives, which gives me abdominal pain, which leads me to not eat because of the pain, which leads to me feeling too many emotions and stuffing my face to squash the emotions, which starts the cycle up all over again.

It sucks.

I was watching an old tv show on YouTube, it is about teens who go to a ranch for therapy instead of detention. It is from the late 80s or early 90s I think. I’ve been binge watching it and there was an episode where a girl has an eating disorder and also is super athletic and she had a heart attack because of an electrolyte imbalance and being near starved to death…though the actress they cast doesn’t look at all anorexic…but since you can’t always tell from looking at a person maybe that is why they cast her…ok not the point…

It got me wondering thought, about health side effects from eating disorders. I always think that the negative health stuff only happens to anorexics who are super under weight. I’m not gonna have electrolyte issues, or heart attacks, or whatever else might happen because there is still too much fat on me. I haven’t reached that level of danger. But maybe that is wrong? I dunno. I know I get chest pains, and sometimes shortness of breath from activities that shouldn’t cause me to be short of breath, but that is a far cry from actual heart issues.

I should probably ask my case worker at our next meeting but I think it is gonna be bad enough having to admit I started using my pills again. I can’t see a conversation that organically grows from that admission to “can I have heart issues even though I’m still so fat?”. It was bad enough the other week when I hadda talk to her about my self-harm action. *rolls eyes*

Something I don’t get about her, she hasn’t yelled at me yet. I keep waiting for her to get exasperated, or mad, or just plain yell or order me to do or not do something, but she always talks to me in a calm, patient, voice. Its weird.

This post is kinda all over the place. But so is my brain right now so I guess the post is a good reflection of the inside of my head.

I was supposed to work today but I called in sick. I had abdominal pains so it was a legit reason for calling, but during the day I realized I was acting odd…sorta numb, sad, depressed. I wanted to eat everything and anything but I wasn’t hungry, in fact the abdominal pain I had made eating rather unpleasant. I think it is a reaction to finding out about my friend dying…I was told yesterday and lemme tell ya, after I was told, the rest of my day did not go well. I was all over the place emotionally, mostly mad, but with burst of overwhelming sadness thrown in there for good measure. I just couldn’t face people today.

I’m so mad. Mad that he is dead. Mad that I’m going to have to deal with people at work talking about it for the next week. Mad I didn’t get to say goodbye. Mad that I let myself get attached.

Just. Mad.

That anger is driving pretty much everything I am doing right now. It drove me to eat two desserts today that I definitely didn’t need, or even want. It is currently driving me to not eat anything more until tomorrow as punishment for eating the desserts. It is why I keep punching the wall. Why I took my diet pills today, I wanted the stomach pain they would give me.

I feel like I deserve the pain. My inability to control my eating today means I earned pain, and punishment. I feel like I am being torn apart inside and it makes me want to scream that no one who sees me can tell. Is it because people don’t really look at people any longer or because I am that good at hiding what is really going on inside me. Does it matter which reason it is? Not really. The result is the same.

I hurt. I don’t mean the pain from the pills. I mean me, my heart, it hurts. My body hurts from how I treat it, my heart hurts because I was stupid enough to let it get attached to some people and one of them is now dead.

Death. It is so fucking final. I hate that I’ll never hear his voice anymore. I hate that no one will ever call me the nickname he called me. I hate that we’ll never joke around, and I’ll never read anymore stories that he wrote, I hate that we’ll never talk movies or books or stuff happening in the world. I hate that he is gone, and I especially hate that I am so fucking selfish that I keep thinking that his being gone means I am even more alone.

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Two Days, Two Happy Things

This blog doesn’t often contain a lot of happy news but two days in a row great things happened and I want to share…well, share as much as I can since I can’t get too specific without ruining the anonymous part of this blog lol

Actually, now that I think about it its really been three days and three happy things which is practically unheard of!

I am an actress, no not some super famous actress that you’ve seen on something so don’t get excited you’e stumbled across the blog of someone important lol I am at the beginning of my acting career and am still a nobody, but I’ll get there!

Anyways, the reason I told you that is because on Tuesday I had an audition that went greeeeeat! I had such a good feeling about it once I was done but you have to leave these things in the room. You can’t walk away from an audition and constantly think about it, once it is done it is done and you have to move on asap, that or you’ll go crazy. So even though the audition went great I had to move past it and forget it.

Wednesday was weigh-in day and I was down 2 pounds! Two pounds baby! Oh yeeeeeah! 😀 *happy dance*

Thursday I got a call from my agent and I booked the job I auditioned for on Tuesday! So yeah, awesome-sauce! 😀 😀

Booking that job has totally validated the low calorie eating plan I have been following! If you want something you have to work for it and I’ve been working for it and now I am seeing results!

Without even trying I have been consistently eating in the six hundred-ish range for a week now and it feels normal. Before that I was hovering in the high six hundreds all the way up to the high seven hundreds so this drop is nice. I was actually at five hundred and a bit calories one day last week but I purposefully ate something because I knew the next day was going to be super busy and I’d need the energy.

After I got the news I was so excited I couldn’t sit still lol so I didn’t! I played music and danced and puttered around the kitchen cleaning and sorting because I just had to move! It was great! 🙂 I also, and this is a bit weird, kept looking in a mirror and checking out my collar bones (they are my favourite bones) and thinking about how this is a step towards what I want, towards my goal, not just my goal weight but my career goal and maybe the harder I work at losing the weight the faster my career goals will come to fruition.

So yeah, super happy, super psyched for filming day, super impressed with the loss of two pounds on the scale. All in all, it has been an awesome week, and I’m so glad I get to share it with you!

Oh, and as a continuation of the post I did about little goals, I am still using the dress I have to wear Sunday as a reminder to not over eat and now I have added the goal of don’t-screw-up-before-set-day which is even better! 😀

p.s. sorry about the Britney Spears video, she is large (in my opinion) so I don’t use her as inspiration for weight loss but I like the lyrics in this song, how if you want something you have to “work bitch!” to get it, it seemed to tie in well with my getting booked after losing weight via calorie restricting.

I Was Fooling Myself

A week or so ago I was thinking I was better, somehow, magically better and didn’t need to ponder finding a way to get counselling, didn’t need to think about what I was eating or when or how much, could just be like everybody else.

Then I realized I was quite possibly wrong. I know, me, wrong, shocking! lol 😉

I started sliding in to my old eating habits without really noticing, and it felt so natural, so comfortable all while I was subconsciously aware something was wrong. I didn’t realize at first what was wrong, then I clued in that I was tricking myself in to situations where I would be able to legitimately restrict my eating only to binge eat the next day. sigh. All without really realizing it.

How is that even possible? To not realize I was engaging in my old eating habits? You’d think it’d be one of those things that fairly screams to be noticed…but apparently not…

A huge huge huge part of me is saying go back, go back full force in to restricting food, go! run! now! restrict! I’m tempted by the idea of faster weight loss, by the idea of feeling strong by resisting eating when I feel hunger, by bringing close my twisted eating habits and making them my friend. My messed up eating habits have never let me down, they are reliable, they stay with me no matter where I go, they keep me safe.

I don’t think I know how to exist without them.

I’ve been following this Weight Watchers plan for almost 12 weeks and it sucks. I lose 2 pounds, then I gain two pounds, then I lose half a pound, then I maintain, it’s depressing. I thought following a program like this was supposed to guarantee weight loss but it sooooo hasn’t. If following this so-called healthy program doesn’t get me results then why shouldn’t I go back to restricting? shrug.

Thing is, there is this teeny tiny voice saying going back to restricting then binge eating isn’t the right choice, isn’t the way to go, to not do it, don’t get sucked back down in to that dark place but what does that stupid little voice know? Doesn’t it remember how good it felt to be offered food and say no? Doesn’t it remember how after days and days of not eating I would indulge in something ridiculously good that I could never eat on a so-called healthy weight loss plan? Doesn’t it remember how ribs sticking out, and hip bones becoming more visible and the look and feel of my collarbone made me happy and proud?

That little voice doesn’t want me to be happy, it wants me to be fat. It is a lie…but it whispers at me it is the truth and that if I completely throw away Weight Watchers and embrace restricting and binge eating again I will drop in to a dark pit of despair. I will have no social life because I’ll be scared of being around food and people. I’ll have trouble when hiking, or playing my sports, because I will have no energy. It reminds me of the time I stood crying in the shower after practice because I just couldn’t manage to get out of my head and I was freaking out about an event I had to go to the next day where I wouldn’t be able to avoid eating so I didn’t stand out and I was terrified by the idea.

It isn’t that I want all those things back, it is just that, well, I don’t know, I don’t know what to do and going back to restricting and binge eating seems like the best of all options, like putting on a broken in shoe, it fits well.

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Binge Then Run

I binged today. I don’t even know why, nothing upset me, no big emotional swings, just me, having a day. I think it was my poor planning of my day. I was out, I had a work thing then an errand to run and by the time I was done the errand I was ridiculously hungry. I had already eaten once today and that should have been plenty but for some reason I found myself at Safeway, at the deli section, buying chips (like french fries but the potato wedge kind), sweet potato wedges, ginger beef and macaroni & cheese. What the actual fuck?? *groan*

As a stupendously small win I also really wanted a milk shake but I managed to not go there. I don’t think a win so small actually counts as a win though…sigh…

Back to the binge, ugh. I ate. And then I ate some more. Did you know macaroni & cheese eaten with a bit of the sauce from ginger beef is actually really tasty? Yeah, me neither. Pleasant surprise that.

I’ve really got to figure out how to be better at purging. I suck at it. I have the hardest to activate gag reflex ever, it is ridiculous.

So there I was, sitting with the fullest stomach ever, feeling like a bloated whale, really wishing I could make myself sick cause I felt so gross when I decided I should go to the gym.

Don’t get me wrong, I work out, but normally after a binge I am:

(1) convinced people who see me will be able to tell what I did so I hate going out in public

(2) so overly full I feel sick and can barely move, let alone work out

(3) ashamed to look at my own body, let alone change in to form fitting work out clothes

(4) fairly certain all those calories are instantly visible

(5) will break the treadmill

So working out after a binge is not ever a thing I do.

Tonight however, I did. Weird…

I felt disgusting. The entire time I was getting ready I felt heavy, and bloated and sick and I kept coming up with reasons to not go but despite all that I kept getting ready. Once I got to the gym I couldn’t very well turn around, people had seen me, they’d wonder what my deal was so off to the cardio section I went.

I ran, well, jogged, on the treadmill and omg did it make me feel gross at first. My stomach was weighing me down, I was sure everyone was looking at me and thinking about how fat I was and how I should do the world a service and hide in my apartment instead of let people see me but since the treadmills face away from the rest of the people in the gym I couldn’t see any of their condescending stares so I just kept on jogging. By the ten minute mark I was actually feeling good about what I was doing. I upped the level and the speed, and by default the incline and I felt even better.

My intention had been to run then slink out of the gym as if I’d never been there but instead I went to the stairmaster and did another 30 minutes on there. I’m torn on the stairmaster. I know stairs are good but I always feel like I’m doing something not quite right when using that machine…I asked for help one time but the guy working the desk had no idea how to use it, lovely huh?

After the stairmaster I had to leave cause the gym was closing, which sucked cause I wanted to do more but oh well. I did a quick walk home and while walking I realized I still felt heavy in my stomach, and bloated and gross but in a different way. I had chugged a bunch of water after my workout and it was the water making me feel like that, not the food, or at least not as much of the food as it had been prior to going to the gym. That was nice.

Something I have always wondered, after I work out, whether I drink a lot of water or not, my stomach area is not as flat as normal. Today was especially bad because of the binge but usually my abdominal area is poofier, more bloated looking. You’d think after working out it’d look smaller but nope, not on me, it looks bigger. I can’t figure out why, is it the sweat in my skin making me swell, is it a workout related thing, or am I just a freak of nature? It goes away, don’t think I stay like that lol Usually about an hour after I’m done showering and am back to my normal body temperature my abdominal area goes back to looking normal but it’s always so disconcerting when that happens. It always makes me want to not workout cause it feels like in the short term it is making me fatter…

After the binge I was all ready for a night of self-loathing, a night of feeling disgusting, a night of misery, but that little jaunt to the gym helped with all that. It was embarrassing but it had good results. I still feel bloated but not as much, I don’t hate myself quite as much as I normally do after a binge cause I know I burned at least some of those calories off, and I’m not already cringing at the idea of going to work tomorrow and wondering if people can tell just by looking at me that I binged.

Why did it take me so long to figure out going to the gym after a binge would make me feel better? *rolls eyes*

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