Category Archives: Positive

YouTube Food Videos

I watch a ridiculous amount of YouTube videos that are focused on food. Food prepping. Cooking. Meal plans. Binge eating sessions. Ana videos. Food documentaries. Name it, if it has something to do with food, I’ve probably watched it or a version of it.

When I watch the videos of people showing how they food prep so they have healthy meals ready for the upcoming week I always think “I can do that!” Buuuut the reality is I can’t. I don’t mean I physically can’t, and I’m sure I can find time in the week to set up a meal prep session, but I can’t commit to eating that much food, every day, for an entire week.

Who does that??

A lot of people apparently…

So I watch these videos, feel inspired, think I will try, and then do nothing.

Last night I was watching a “What I Eat In A Day” video (I love those!) and the girl made a smoothie I want to try. All it contained was frozen banana and milk.

I like foods that aren’t a combination of a lot of things, easier to track calories that way. And hey, two ingredients? Perfect!

Now she cut up two bananas the night before and put them in the freezer. The next day she put the two frozen, sliced, bananas in the blender and put “two splashes” of milk in there. She has been making this smoothie for so long she eyeballs the milk amount, I think she said it was 250 ml (1 Cup) of milk, I’ll have to double check that. After blending it is a thick, creamy, cold, smoothie and she swears it is delish. It sure looked delish.

I decided last night I wanted to try that smoothie. If it keeps me filled for a long time than it could be worth the calories, and I wouldn’t mind adding something new to my safe foods, something that is tasty, and easy to make. Plus, people see or hear that you are having a smoothie they automatically think it is healthy and that you are eating healthy so it will help throw people off the fact that I don’t eat all that much most days.

Of course I didn’t have bananas cause that would involve having fresh food in my place and I don’t have a lot of that because I don’t eat it and it goes bad and I can’t afford to spend money on food I don’t eat, shrug. When I was out today I bought bananas and this evening I sliced one, put it in a container and it is now in my freezer, awaiting tomorrow. I couldn’t bring myself to cut up two bananas cause eating (or in this case drinking) two bananas plus milk would be too many calories in one sitting but I think I can manage one banana and half the amount of milk used in the video, maybe…

I’m half excited and half dreading trying the smoothie tomorrow. I’m excited because I’ve been seeing a lot of videos using bananas to make smoothies and banana frozen yoghurt and all kinds of things and I want to try! But I’m also nervous and if I’m being honest a little scared to try it, what if I don’t like it and I’ve wasted those calories? What if I do like it but it doesn’t fill me up for long so I can’t have it again? And there is also just a general fear, fear of food, of new food, of expanding my safe foods because what if it is the beginning of a trend? What if I justify this becoming a safe food and then the day after I make something else a safe food because well, I made this smoothie a safe food so why not loosen the reigns and make something else safe to eat? This could be the beginning of a slipper slope!

I am trying to keep those fears in check, I am trying to not let them take over, to take this opportunity to try a new food away from me. I am trying to stay optimistic, to think that this could turn out to be tasty, and filling, and a new way to eat without feeling like I am eating because I am actually drinking and it could help stop me from eating something higher in calories.

It is hard, it is easier to believe the fear, but I’m trying to not let the fear win, if for no other reason than to not waste the money I spent on the bananas.



Without Even Counting

I’ve been slacking with my calorie counting lately. I’m not entirely sure why, usually I enjoy putting in to my Fitbit App everything I eat and seeing how many calories I eat in a day. Also, tracking makes sure I don’t accidentally eat too much. But yeah, the past week has had spotty tracking. Well, in the app at least, I still keep a running count in my head throughout the day, doesn’t everybody?

I know some of the days I didn’t track I went over my calories, I am not sure by exactly how much, but I definitely went over, sigh. I think that might be part of the reason I didn’t track, because I ate something horribly bad for me and was too embarrassed to put it in to my app. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to see the number of calories I ate in the day be over 750 so instead I didn’t track anything and the day just looks like a gaping hole of information when I look at my stats. I didn’t eat horrible on all of the days though, some of them I did exceptionally well on! Like last Wednesday where all I ate for over 24 hours was two pieces of toast. I was so proud of myself that day. πŸ™‚ Β And this past Sunday started off great, I didn’t eat anything until almost 6pm and when I did eat it was oatmeal…I screwed up later that day by eating a piece of Rhubarb & Raspberry pie though, sadness. 😦

But yeah so, it has been up and down food wise for me this past week.

Today I didn’t track my food until towards the end of the day and then I plugged in everything in one sitting. I was so scared I was going to be at a ridiculously high amount of calories and the day was not even over yet but I didn’t do so badly.

Today I ate 707 calories.

Without even counting I stayed within my acceptable calorie range for the day! Go me go! πŸ˜€

It makes me wonder, minus the day I ate the piece of pie, and the day I ate pizza (don’t judge!), maybe I didn’t eat as many calories as I feel I ate. When I was putting my food in to the app this evening I sat there for a good ten minutes after I had everything inputted going over and over my day wondering what food I missed because for sure I ate more than what I put in the tracker, I mean I must have, no way I stayed in my calorie range without even trying, right?

But here it is, hours later, I’ve gone over my day step-by-step and I know I haven’t missed any food so I really did eat 707 calories.

I managed to not over eat, to not screw up, without even tracking! I feel so happy about this! I don’t know if it is because I just instinctively know when to stop eating so I don’t over eat, or if I had a running tally in my head that I wasn’t aware of, or if it is because the foods I ate today were all safe foods so as long as I don’t binge I stand a good chance of not screwing up my calories for the day, or maybe it is a combination of all three. I’m not sure, and while I do kind of care I also kind of don’t care, I am just happy.

It gives me hope that I can continue with my restrictive eating and not screw up because if I can manage to not screw up on a day I didn’t track than maybe I can keep with the not screwing up on a regular basis. πŸ™‚

side view

A Good Day

So all my talk about how I am getting back on the wagon asap and being firm with my restricting went right out the window after a horrible horrible day yesterday. sigh. I binged and binged hard! The only saving grace was I also hit up the gym in an attempt to counter act some of the food I put in to my body.

Something annoying? I binged. I waited a bit. I exercised. I felt hungry after exercising. WTF body! You still had god knows how much food in you from the binge and you feel hungry?? Disgusting! Arg!

My hunger lately, when it hits, it’s crazy. It’s more like hangry, ya know, so hungry you become super mad and completely focused on getting food above anything else. When my hunger hits there is no controlling it, there is no “find the strength in the hunger” there is only “eat, eat now or you might die!” which I know is super dramatic but I swear that is what it feels like.

I don’t like it.

It is such a panicked, overwhelming hunger that instead of making smart food choices I am more prone to eating something I shouldn’t, something I don’t necessarily want, because it is there and I feel like I honestly can’t wait another minute before I get food.

I have to get better control over this!

But on to the good day that was promised in the title of this post! lol

Today was a greeeeeat day!

I worked today and the forced structure of having to go to work helped me keep my calories low. Who knew I’d be happy to go to work? lol

After I finish this post I will be going to bed and I am sitting at 699 calories for the day. I love when my daily calories start with a 6! It makes me feel so good about how I did for the day lol πŸ™‚ Normally I am in the 700 range and I know realistically I am sooooo close to 700 I can’t really be all proud of being in the 600 range, mostly I am just happy that I didn’t binge and I didn’t go over the 700 calorie range cause lately, yeah, I have been. *hangs head in shame*

The last time I got solid with my restricting I did it on my days off, I was super strict about what I ate, when, how much, and by the time I had a day where I worked (I had three days off) I was well in to the routine of small portions, eaten far apart, and had gotten good at managing the hunger when I felt it. Lately though my days off feel more like a free-for-all. I have friends over, or I have social activities I have to attend and both involve food. I’ve been dealing with work lunch meetings, and weddings and all sorts of things and while I am generally ok at managing my calories when in my routine I have trouble when not in my routine. How do I get through a wedding dinner with out eating and not having anybody at the table notice? I dunno. How do I go to a work lunch that is catered, sit with all my work mates, and not eat when everyone is passing food and piling even more on your plate than what you took? I dunno. How do you somehow manage to not eat any of the pizza you had to order because your friend was coming over and you owed her dinner and she chose pizza? I dunno.

It is these things, these unpredictable circumstances, that I don’t know how to navigate well.

Do you?

Today gives me hope! Today I was able to keep my calories low, my activity fairly high, and there was no binge eating. Not only that but there were several opportunities for eating all kinds of food and instead of feeling tempted by the food I just feel “meh”. Like, I know I can’t eat it, so I don’t even bother thinking about eating it. It is like it is dead to me lol That happened when I was grocery shopping after work too! There were pumpkin spice oreos on display right when I walked in the store, and they were on sale, then there was Kraft peanut butter in a collectible package with a teddy bear, then there was all the halloween candy, like omg no wonder our society is so fat! *rolls eyes* but while I took a peek at the pumpkin spice oreos (mostly because I couldn’t tell what they were and was curious) the rest of the items I just breezed on past, not a problem, not a twinge, not a bit of temptation, not a wishful thought.

It was great. πŸ™‚

That, along with my low calorie day makes me feel like I am finally getting back on track. I can limit my food intake but if I am constantly seeing the food that is out there, constantly wanting the foods I can’t have, constantly imagining eating those foods, then I will binge. I know I will. No matter how strong I try to be, I know I will binge. But when I don’t really see the food, when I can walk by it like I don’t need it, or want it, or even acknowledge it, then I know I will be ok.

I got my strength back! I got my willpower back! I got my ability to stick to my calorie limit back!

And that means this was a good day and there will be more to come! πŸ™‚


Two Days, Two Happy Things

This blog doesn’t often contain a lot of happy news but two days in a row great things happened and I want to share…well, share as much as I can since I can’t get too specific without ruining the anonymous part of this blog lol

Actually, now that I think about it its really been three days and three happy things which is practically unheard of!

I am an actress, no not some super famous actress that you’ve seen on something so don’t get excited you’e stumbled across the blog of someone important lol I am at the beginning of my acting career and am still a nobody, but I’ll get there!

Anyways, the reason I told you that is because on Tuesday I had an audition that went greeeeeat! I had such a good feeling about it once I was done but you have to leave these things in the room. You can’t walk away from an audition and constantly think about it, once it is done it is done and you have to move on asap, that or you’ll go crazy. So even though the audition went great I had to move past it and forget it.

Wednesday was weigh-in day and I was down 2 pounds! Two pounds baby! Oh yeeeeeah! πŸ˜€ *happy dance*

Thursday I got a call from my agent and I booked the job I auditioned for on Tuesday! So yeah, awesome-sauce! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

Booking that job has totally validated the low calorie eating plan I have been following! If you want something you have to work for it and I’ve been working for it and now I am seeing results!

Without even trying I have been consistently eating in the six hundred-ish range for a week now and it feels normal. Before that I was hovering in the high six hundreds all the way up to the high seven hundreds so this drop is nice. I was actually at five hundred and a bit calories one day last week but I purposefully ate something because I knew the next day was going to be super busy and I’d need the energy.

After I got the news I was so excited I couldn’t sit still lol so I didn’t! I played music and danced and puttered around the kitchen cleaning and sorting because I just had to move! It was great! πŸ™‚ I also, and this is a bit weird, kept looking in a mirror and checking out my collar bones (they are my favourite bones) and thinking about how this is a step towards what I want, towards my goal, not just my goal weight but my career goal and maybe the harder I work at losing the weight the faster my career goals will come to fruition.

So yeah, super happy, super psyched for filming day, super impressed with the loss of two pounds on the scale. All in all, it has been an awesome week, and I’m so glad I get to share it with you!

Oh, and as a continuation of the post I did about little goals, I am still using the dress I have to wear Sunday as a reminder to not over eat and now I have added the goal of don’t-screw-up-before-set-day which is even better! πŸ˜€

p.s. sorry about the Britney Spears video, she is large (in my opinion) so I don’t use her as inspiration for weight loss but I like the lyrics in this song, how if you want something you have to “work bitch!” to get it, it seemed to tie in well with my getting booked after losing weight via calorie restricting.

Some Things I Found

Alrighty so after that disaster of a food day last week I got right back on the wagon and have been even stricter with myself, yay! I’ve dropped down another 100 calories so I am eating even less and it makes me feel so much better. I’m hoping whatever damage I did with that binge can be minimized if I am careful.

Something I heard on a YouTube video and made me think “why the hell didn’t I think of that?!” was about diet pop.

I drink Diet Coke but I generally limit myself to one a day. I used to drink it more often but unless I am out at a restaurant or movie and drinking pop while out I, like I said, drink one can a day. Well, this YouTube video I saw had this girl doing a Q&A and one of the questions was about how much pop she drinks. In a day she has approx 17 diet pops! 17!! That’s crazy!

She said the carbonation makes her feel full, it bumps up her energy, and it tastes good. She was seeing a dietitian at the time of the video and she had told her dietitian how much she drank and they didn’t tell her to stop so she decided they must think it was ok, or at least not so bad she had to scale back asap.

Well, duh, why don’t I up my pop content? It does seem to trick my stomach in to thinking it is full, or at least not super hungry, it has caffeine which is lovely, and it tastes good…shrug, seems like an easy choice to me. πŸ™‚

I went to the store and intended to buy a bunch of different flavoured diet pops but they surprisingly didn’t have a lot in stock, probably cause of the sale they were having. So I ended up with only two cases, one of Diet Coke and one of Sprite Zero which I was taking a chance on because I hate Coke Zero and was worried this would suck but it is actually really good! Refreshing ya know?

So now I have 2, maybe 3 cans a day, depending on the day and it’s such an improvement!

Although, I have had to scale back on all liquids because of a sensitive tooth, everything hurts unless it is room temperature, and even then it hurts the tooth a bit, sigh. So bonus because I really don’t want to eat anything since it will cause me pain but not good because I was really trying to stay hydrated and I’m finding it really hard to do because of the tooth pain. I’m going to call the dentist tomorrow and try to get an appointment to have it looked at, sigh, I hate the dentist.

The other thing is vegetables. You’re gonna think I’m an idiot for this one. I have been pretty much avoiding most vegetables because I decided they were too high in calorie for too little pay off. The other night at work they had a huge amount of grilled veggies left over (zucchini and squash) and I decided I would eat some of that instead of the dinner I took (29 grams of cheerios) because I kinda missed veggies and I figured if I didn’t eat my cheerios than maybe it would be ok to eat the veggies. When I went to find the nutritional information for the veggies I was pleasantly surprised, they are super low calorie!

Now, it isn’t that I didn’t know veggies were low in calories but when I was on Weight Watchers vegetables are zero points so you can eat unlimited amounts of them without it being counted against you. Once I left Weight Watchers and started watching calories veggies all of a sudden seemed dangerous because they went from being a zero to being an actual number so I just wiped them off my food list.

I’m so glad I ate those veggies yesterday and learned just how many of them I can eat for a decent number of calories, I had 2 cups of cubed zucchini for 40 calories and 1 cup cubed squash for 18 calories. My measurements are estimates unfortunately because I had no way to measure how much I was eating but I always estimate high so I am sure I didn’t eat more than that.

I have decided veggies need to come back on my list of ok to eat foods but I haven’t actually bought any yet because when I think about buying them I kinda shy away since I’ve had it in my head for a while now that they shouldn’t be eaten but next time I am in a grocery store I’ll check them out and see if I can’t over come that with at least one vegetable.

The last thing I “found” was that even though I knew the scale said I lost weight I didn’t really believe it, some days I swear I look even fatter in the mirror but today at work I was constantly having to pull my pants up because they were so loose they wouldn’t stay up! Yay! And I don’t mean they were a tiny bit loose I mean it was a good thing I was wearing a long top otherwise I would have been constantly flashing butt crack and nobody wants to see that, lol, oh, and I was stepping on my pants all the time because of how far down they were falling. I am so excited! I don’t have a lot of money so I’m not going to replace the pants asap since I figure at most I’ve only gone down one size and I can’t afford new clothes at each new size but maybe I’ll buy a new pair once I’ve gone down two sizes…that seems reasonable I think…


Sticking To Restricting

For what feels like forever I have been binge eating. I used to be really good at restricting but somewhere along the way I hit a binge cycle that just wouldn’t quit. Even when I was at my most miserable and self-hating I couldn’t make myself stop binge eating. As a result I am now freakin huuuuuuuge! Ugh. 😦

I found myself trying to restrict but not doing a great job of it. I would restrict for a day or two, or maybe three or four, but then I would binge, and not just like, one binge session, but multiple binge sessions over the span of days which completely obliterated any weight loss I had managed to achieve while restricting.

I was stuck in that lovely cycle for quite a while.

However, over the past almost two weeks I have managed to maintain my restricting to the point that I am losing weight daily and feeling like this might be it, this might be the beginning of my new restricting cycle! And oh boy does that make me so incredibly happy! *fist pump*

While binge eating I stopped weighing myself all the time because it was depressing and after I would see the number I would lose all hope in getting skinny and end up in the kitchen. *rolls eyes* So I stuck with weighing myself on Wednesdays only.

Well…limiting myself to stepping on the scale only once a week is also a thing of the past because I weighed myself Wednesday, Thursday and today (it is Saturday) and each time I was a smaller number on the scale, yay! Since Wednesday I have lost 4.5 pounds! FOUR AND A HALF POUNDS PEOPLE!!!

Okay yeah I know, that isn’t some massive number or anything but it is just the beginning and talk about great motivation! This morning when I got up I wasn’t feeling great and was trying to decide if I should go to the gym right away or wait a bit and go later in the day. I stepped on the scale, saw I had gone down 2.5 pounds, got so happy I almost shed happy tears then immediately changed in to my gym clothes and hit the gym.

No way was I going to go make a cup of tea and sit in my apartment when I’d made such a great improvement in my scale number and I could be hightailing it off to the gym to burn even more fat off my body! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

I am trying to temper my joy with the weight loss with a bit of reality though. I donated blood yesterday so it is most likely the loss of that pint that is resulting in my scale number being down 2.5 pounds since Thursday. My hope though is that with my continued restrictive eating plan and increase in exercise I won’t gain that weight back and in fact it will be a jumping off point to get me even lower in weight. Does that make sense?

Oh, and in case you are wondering why I was allowed to donate blood I made sure to eat something high in iron the night before so my hemoglobin levels would be in the appropriate range. I juuuuust barely made it in to the range though so if I donate again I’ll have to take some iron supplements or something for at least a couple days leading up to my appointment I think…ah well, you can only donate every 56 days or something so I don’t need to worry about it until November.


Oh! And to make things even better I tried on a dress last night that I used to wear until I got too fat for it and it looks so much better! So the initial 5 pounds that I lost combined with the 4.5 pounds I just lost over the past 4 days have totally made a difference with some of my form fitting clothes! When I easily zipped the dress up and actually looked ok in it when I looked in the mirror I did a little happy dance lol I know, I’m such a geek. πŸ˜› I can’t wait until I am skinny and actually look good in things instead of just ok!