Grocery Shopping

Ok so can we talk about grocery shopping for a minute?

I hate it. I hate walking in to the grocery store and being surrounded by all that food. I feel like my brain shuts off and I literally become incapable of action.

I’ll stand at the entrance area to the produce section and just stare, I have no idea what way to go, which foods to aim for, what to buy, so I panic a bit and come to a dead stop. When I finally start moving I tend to walk as if I am wandering aimlessly, all casual like, nothin to see over here thanks, when in reality I know I will end up at the bananas, because they are the only fruit I buy – except frozen, I can buy frozen fruit for my protein smoothies. I will stare wistfully at the apples, and the grapes, and oh man do I stare at the peaches (when they are in season), but I can’t buy any of them. I may contemplate it, try to convince myself that sure I can eat an apple this week, and then I remember all the other times I tried, couldn’t bring myself to eat the apple, ended up composting it and cursing myself for wasting money. So I walk away.

Don’t even ask about how long I stare at things like avocados, it is ridiculous.

Then I walk past all the aisles, I buy almost nothing from an aisle (except tea and diet coke), but I stare down them like they hold great mysterious things, not scary foods I will never buy and don’t even want to walk past. Over to the yoghurt, that I stare at, and then walk away from. I eventually reach the milk, that I will buy as I put some in my tea.

If I am feeling strong I will walk out through the bakery section, eyeballing all those various pastries and cakes and feeling proud that I am not buying any of them, even though I want them all.

The entire time I tend to have a hand in my jacket pocket, clenched, or if my arms are crossed than one hand is gripping the opposite arm for dear life. Body language! I’m sure a shrink would have a field day watching the body language of a person with an eating disorder when they are in a grocery store.

I hate that I can literally become so paralyzed and overwhelmed that I can’t move, or make a decision. I can stare at a bag of salad for ages, completely indecisive about whether I should risk buying it or not. The questions I ponder, the list of pros and cons I mentally go through, as I stare at each different food, it takes forever, and is depressing, and since I can never figure out the answer to the problem of if I should buy the item or not, I end up not buying it.

At times, the regret and sadness I feel when walking away from something is super real. But I can’t find a good enough reason to buy the item, or even believe that if I were to buy it I’d be able to eat it. And if I’m not going to be able to eat it then why bother wasting the money?

I’ve tried variations on grocery shopping, buy everything all at once, buy only a couple things at a time, go with a list, wing it and see what I feel like buying, none of it helps.

I inevitably end up with the same items. Milk, bananas (though those are becoming increasingly harder to buy lately), tea, diet coke, boneless skinless chicken breast, frozen veggies, frozen fruit, eggs, and lately some cheese.

I’ve been trying to eat cereal, and sometimes I can. Lucky for me it lasts a long time in the cupboard lol I’ve bought crackers for meal support, they always go stale before I finish the box so I compost them but I’ve bought them twice now, which for me is impressive because I hadn’t bought crackers for more years than I can remember until needing them the other month for meal support. I don’t like seeing them in my cupboard though, and when I bought them I felt like I was doing something wrong, like people would be judging me for having them in my basket.

Other people seem to find grocery shopping fun, or at least not immobilizing. I wonder what that must be like?

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