Not Ready?

The other day at work one of my colleagues came up behind me, poked at my shoulder blades, and said…

“skinny minny”

I said…

“huh?”

She said…

“Skinny minny. You’re losing a lot of weight, getting skinny.”

I said…

“I’m trying” But ya know, I said it in a light hearted, chill, kind of way.

I know I should be horrified that someone did that. Or wondering about what kind of person thinks it is socially acceptable to literally touch another person’s body and comment on what it looks like. I should be upset or something…right?

Instead I am kinda proud, and happy, and I keep thinking about what she said and feeling impressed that my hard work is being noticed in what I think of as a positive way.

I can’t see my shoulder blades as easily as say, my stomach, obviously. Sure I can look over my shoulder in to a mirror or take a picture, but both those options end up having my shoulder blade area stretched or contorted to some degree. I can’t see what my shoulder blades look like on a day-to-day, going through regular circumstances, basis, and I really wish I could.

I know I lost weight there, my shoulders, shoulder blades, collar bone area, all are noticeably bony (which fyi, I love), but while I can keep an eye on my collar bone and make sure it stays bony I can’t as easily do that with my shoulder blades and I worry they will get fatter and I won’t notice right away.

So having someone poke at them and comment on them, well, I liked it.

Which makes me wonder if recovery isn’t right for me…

I don’t know that I want what recovery seems to promise. Recovery always seems to involve gaining weight, but I don’t currently need to gain weight. It seems to involve a lot of things I don’t need, or want. Some things it seems to promise I would like, I’d like my hip pain to go away, and my weird potassium levels, and the dizziness and black spots in my vision, basically I’d like a bunch of the physical problems I am having go away but I don’t want to gain weight, I still need to lose weight.

The docs at my recovery program stress that eating disorders aren’t about the food. The food is a symptom. So why can’t recovery deal with the underlying issues and leave the food alone? Why does recovery have to focus so much on the food that I am eating and the weight I am at when it isn’t supposed to be about the food?

sigh

I think maybe, in order for recovery to work, a person needs to want it more than I do, they have to be more willing to do as they are told, follow the rules, be compliant. I’m just not there. I go to all the sessions, I take my turn talking, I seem like I am doing all the right things, but outside of the building I have barely changed my eating habits. I don’t make a concentrated effort to follow the meal plan I was given, hell, I don’t even know where it is right now, and I can’t be bothered to find it because what is the point when I know I won’t actually try to follow it.

I don’t know if I should drop out of the program, tell them it isn’t for me, and give my spot to someone else. I mean, why waste their time and resources when I’m not really all that sure I need or want what they are offering? There are people out there way sicker than I who could use my spot, who actually want to get better. Wouldn’t it be better to leave the program so one of them could receive help?

I’m not sure if this is me being rational or me trying to find what sounds like a rational reason for  getting out of something…

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