If I eat something that isn’t a safe food, or a higher quantity of food (safe or not) I struggle. And in that struggle I find I automatically cut back on all food to compensate. I think it is something I have done for a long time, but only really noticed recently. Probably because it is only recently I started working at dissecting what I do in regards to food.
So, I noticed this, and mentioned it to my nutritionist, and it disturbed her, and it made me feel like I am in trouble, and that maybe it isn’t a normal or ok thing to do.
This weekend I was away with my sports team competing. I was gone from Friday late afternoon to Sunday late afternoon. That is a lot of meals outside of my routine and comfort zone!
Weekends like this usually turn in to a binge fest for me, but only sort of…I usually eat a fuck load of food, but not like I am sitting there with ice cream dripping down my face because I am constantly in the company of my team. It is always a struggle.
This weekend I went in to the weekend thinking maybe I could be ok, maybe I could manage to either eat more like a normal person, or at least restrict instead of over eat – in my world restricting is always the better option.
It didn’t work. I can’t say I managed either of my options.
I was ok with what I chose for Friday dinner because I had iron-fist control over all my food up to that point so I had eaten almost nothing to accommodate a restaurant meal.
Saturday was the competition and right up until dinner I did ok. I took my standard breakfast food with me, so I had that as a safe meal, and I ordered a really basic turkey sandwich for lunch that I could easily and accurately track, so again, that was ok. But then dinner happened. I won’t go in to details but lets just say it involved pizza, multiple desserts, gummy candies, and more.
Sunday was brunch. I had a plan, I got a made to order omelette and fresh fruit. That was all I was going to eat but then a teammate grabbed me a hash brown and I know it sounds stupid to say there was peer pressure to eat a hash brown, but there was. Normal people would eat it without a problem, and she wasn’t going to stop bugging me till I tried it. So I tried it, and it was freaking amazing. That started a downward spiral that consisted of more hash browns, waffles, and other brunch type foods. The scariest part of it was I could feel my control slipping. I wanted a stack of waffles, a bowl of fruit loops, more eggs, I wanted the fried potatoes, I wanted everything! I wanted it all, in large quantities, and covered in syrup, and I could see myself doing just that. I could see myself loading a plate and gorging myself on all that food.
I managed to not completely lose control but that fear has been with me the rest of the day. It is combined with the fear of “omg, how many pounds of weight have I put on since Friday” and “what if I am starting another binge cycle” and “I swear I am fatter in the mirror and my cheekbones and rib cage, and collar bones are not as prominent anymore”.
Lots of fear.
To deal with this fear I told myself I wouldn’t eat the rest of the day. When I made this promise to myself it was easy to do because I was still super full feeling from brunch and didn’t want anything. But now it is almost 10pm, I ate roughly 12 hours ago, and I think I am starting to feel a bit hungry, and I have no idea what to do.
Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep through the hunger, I have an early shift at work tomorrow so this is a perfectly reasonable choice to me.
Part of me says I should have a light snack because 12 hours between meals is not what I am supposed to be doing and if I don’t eat until breakfast tomorrow it will actually be more like 21 hours and if 12 hours isn’t ok then 21 hours for sure is a no-no.
Part of me says eating so close to going to bed is not recommended…though I don’t know who says that…
Part of me says going to bed hungry means you don’t sleep as well…also not sure where I heard that one…
I think maybe my choice to not eat anything was not the best choice…maybe it wasn’t actually my choice but my eating disorder’s choice?…and if that is the case then I should fight it…but then I get stumped on what, if anything I should eat, because I am sure I have eaten more than my normal amount of calories for the day, and if I have, then shouldn’t I stop eating because I shouldn’t go over my calories, right? I’m not sure which is the right option, eating a snack and going over my calories for the day, or not eating something and going a long time between meals…