One of the weekly groups that my recovery program offers is Meal Support. Basically, you take in a well balanced meal, eat it within 20 minutes in a room with other people, then you have to hang out for a while (I can’t remember how long) playing a game or working on a puzzle or some other lame activity that is supposed to keep you occupied.
When I was first told of it I dismissed it out of hand. I am fat, obviously I don’t have a problem with eating, so why go sit in a room with other people and eat? I don’t need that kind of help.
The next time I was told of it I asked some questions, then said nope. It doesn’t sound like a thing I need.
And the trend continued.
Then the other week my nutritionist called to reschedule a meeting with her I had cancelled and mentioned that our meeting would end just in time for me to go to Meal Support. I scoffed, said no thanks. She said it would be a good way to challenge myself, and to think about it.
That irritated me. Challenge myself? Am I not already doing that? Well, okay, maybe I’m not challenging myself all that much since I still engage in pretty much all of my restricting behaviours but whatever, that is besides the point.
So I went back and forth on if I would go or not.
Then a friend said something to me that needs a whole post of its own to get in to but really rubbed me the wrong way. What she said, combined with the whole “challenge yourself” thing left me thinking I am not trying hard enough, not doing enough, not working at recovery as much as I should be, so I decided fuck it, I will go to Meal Support.
At one time, when I thought about it, before I decided no, I thought maybe somewhere in the future I would go, but I’m not ready for it right now. I still don’t think I am ready for it…
I had drop-in group last night and one of the two people who run that session is one of the people that run Meal Support so I spoke to her about what exactly I am expected to bring to eat.
I am supposed to bring something from every food group. I am not allowed to bring anything “diet” and I am not allowed to have a salad as my main food component. She suggested I bring a sandwich, a fruit, a yogurt, oh and that the sandwich have protein in it.
That is a fuck lot of food to eat in one sitting.
I asked if my yogurt counted as dairy and fruit since it is a strawberry yogurt…she said no. sigh. It only counts as dairy.
Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat that much food in one sitting, let alone in 20 minutes. And it didn’t dawn on me until the other day that I do everything possible to avoid eating in front of other people. Plus, when I do eat, the only way I manage it is to be watching tv or be on social media, I need constant distraction to eat, and I don’t think I will get that tomorrow.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wimp out and not go. I don’t want to go and have to eat all that food in front of people. I don’t want to fail at yet another part of recovery. I don’t want to ruin my restricting streak by eating all those foods in one day.
I’ve been so good with my restricting lately, I’ve dropped another couple pounds. I can see individual ribs now and I don’t want to lose that. Don’t think I am skinny or something, I am losing weight weird so my tummy, hips and thighs are still disgustingly huge. But some parts of me are getting smaller, mostly around my rib area, and my arms, and my boobs, sigh. Why the boobs? Whyyyyy? 😉
So yeah, I am stressing about this right now, wondering what to do tomorrow, what is going to happen, what will it be like, stuff like that…I am not enjoying this sensation, this butterflies in my tummy, trouble breathing, super nervous, sensation.
I don’t want to go to Meal Support.
But you know that saying:
Feel the fear, and do the thing anyways.
Maybe the fear I am feeling is not fear because of danger and it is keeping me safe. Maybe it is fear that I should fight against and I’ll come out stronger on the other side.
Although, right now, it feels like overwhelming fear that has me panicked and wanting to hide and wondering if I will survive tomorrow, because right now I feel like tomorrow is gonna kill me.