Monthly Archives: July 2017

Blood ‘n Stuff

To get in to my recovery program you have to be referred by a doctor. I wasn’t comfy going to my actual doctor so I went to a walk-in clinic, with the referral form, and told them I was there to get a referral. Part of being referred involved tests. Lots and lots of medical tests. Ugh.

I hate going to doctors, I hate medical tests, I hate being poked and prodded and looked at so closely, I especially hate needles, I just hate it all.

I am that person who, when legitimately sick or injured still doesn’t go to the doctor because “I have an immune system, I’ll be fine” and “letting my body heal itself will make me stronger” and other such beliefs.

So, having to go to a doctor to get referred was a hurdle that took over a year to accomplish. Funnily enough, I could always find something else to do that was more important than going to the doctor. *rolls eyes*

To be compliant in my program I have to get my blood work retested whenever my doctor says. My medical doctor that is. Ya know, the one I didn’t go to for the referral. Sure she gets a copy of all visits I have to a walk-in but she has a crappy receptionist who never passes things along so any updates or results that come in from the walk-in clinic get filed with my doctor without ever being looked at by a medical professional.

Nice little loophole I found there don’t ya think? πŸ˜‰

Well…my case worker told me I have to go get my blood work retested. She convinced me to set up an appointment with a shrink, the type that can prescribe meds, and apparently he would send me for blood work anyways so I might as well get it done prior to my appointment with him. She also pointed out that to stay in the program I am supposed to be getting the blood work done anyways. Busted!

I put it off as long as I could, and was actually figuring on going today after work but I ended up with some time to kill last Friday, or maybe it was Thursday…one of those days and I figured just go get it over with. This time it was just blood work, felt like they filled a zillion tubes with my blood, but at least they weren’t doing that thing where I had to strip from the waist up and some nurse puts sensors all over me and they check my heart. That was so embarrassing.

I fully expected to not hear anything about the blood work results. I told them they had to send the results to the other doc (the shrink who can prescribe meds) since he was the one who actually wanted the report, and thought if I ever heard anything about the results it would be at the appointment with him.

Well go figure, looks like the doctor at the walk-in actually took a look at the results and I got a phone call today from the walk-in clinic saying the doctor was asking me to come in in regards to my blood work results.

Since they follow the rule “no news is good news” I can say with a fair amount of confidence that whatever I am being asked to go hear about my results won’t be awesome.

It is probably something stupid like low iron, big deal *rolls eyes*. But there is that little seed of worry in my gut that it might be something worse. I’ve been having some physical symptoms I guess you’d call them, just some physical stuff, that has been happening, that I don’t think is necessarily normal, and might be related to all the restricting I’ve been doing.

They might not be though! There’s no proof that any of the stuff I’m feeling or experiencing is caused by my restricting…technically…

So now I have to decide if I am going to find the time to go to the walk-in clinic tomorrow and find out the results or wait and see if the other doc mentions the results when I go to that appointment on Wednesday.

Part of me thinks I might as well just wait. He is the one who wanted the testing done, if there is something significant in the results he’ll tell me, so it is a waste of time to go back to the walk-in clinic.

Part of me thinks maybe I should go and hear what the results are so I can research them and not be caught off guard at the shrink’s appointment, since I am already feeling super nervous, and guarded, about that appointment, maybe I’ll feel better knowing what the results already say.

In the end, the decision to go or not go will most likely be made based on what time I wake up tomorrow lol It is my day to sleep in, I have an evening commitment but the only thing I am worried about for daytime is getting laundry done, and other stuff around the apartment. If I am up early enough to get the apartment stuff done and have time before my evening commitment I might decide I should just go and get it over with. But if I sleep in, or just don’t time my day well and start to run out of time, well, I have more important things to do than drive back to the walk-in clinic for some stupid test results.

I mean c’mon, its just going to be low iron, or something else equally inconsequential, its stupid I have to go in for that anyways.

hard work

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Official Weigh-In

Every Thursday I have what I think of as my Official Weigh-In. I weigh myself everyday at home but my scale is not as accurate as a scale I have access to on Thursdays so I use my daily at home weigh-ins as a guideline but if asked my weight or when I think of my weight I go by the number on the Thursday weigh-in.

My scale only goes by the 0.5 but this other scale gives much more accurate numbers, so instead of a ###.5 it might say ###.3, and accuracy is important!

Yesterday I put in a 14 hour work day and wasn’t home and in bed until almost 5am Thursday morning. When my alarm went off so I’d get up for weigh-in I hit “Stop” instead of “Snooze” and next thing I know I have missed my shot at being weighed in on the better scale.

Arg! 😦

So. Annoying.

Alas, the world isn’t going to end, but it does irritate me because despite my long work day yesterday and some poor food choices made I am pretty sure I still lost weight this week. One and a half pounds if you’re wondering.

Yay!

Down from my two pounds lost per week for the last two weeks but see, that is where the decimal point number comes in to play. My scale said I was down 1.5 pounds but it could be higher, like 1.8…it could also be lower, like 1.4 but let’s not focus on that k? πŸ˜‰

Another annoying thing about my scale is it always shows me as lower than the better scale. Now, this could be because I weigh myself at home right after going to the toilet and only wearing panties (sorry for the tmi) whereas the other scale has me wearing clothes. Oh the hardship of weighing in somewhere other than your own bathroom, le sigh.

I am always so much happier with the number on my scale than the more accurate scale, but only because it shows me as lower than what I suppose I actually am. The only time I lean towards thinking it is more truthful is one day last summer when it was super humid out. Inside my place it was still nice and cool but as soon as I got outside the humidity got me and by the time I got to my weigh-in my hair was frizzy and I could feel that my skin was retaining water, or is it that my body is retaining water? Either way, I could feeeeel the effects of the humidity, and the scale sure showed it! The lady weighing me said everyone was up that day due to the humidity and not to worry and I think she was right because the next week I was down all that I had “gained” plus some.

While I don’t have my official weigh-in results, thanks to missing my chance, I still know I went down because of what my scale showed me when I got up. I just don’t know for sure what I weigh right now, officially, and it is driving me a tad nuts lol I wanna know!

Not knowing though won’t be an excuse to go all crazy food wise. In fact I think it’ll just have me work harder so that next week when I step on the better scale I can have that much more of a loss.

Dedication. It sure can achieve results! πŸ˜€

ribs 4

I Over Compensate

If I eat something that isn’t a safe food, or a higher quantity of food (safe or not) I struggle. And in that struggle I find I automatically cut back on all food to compensate. I think it is something I have done for a long time, but only really noticed recently. Probably because it is only recently I started working at dissecting what I do in regards to food.

So, I noticed this, and mentioned it to my nutritionist, and it disturbed her, and it made me feel like I am in trouble, and that maybe it isn’t a normal or ok thing to do.

This weekend I was away with my sports team competing. I was gone from Friday late afternoon to Sunday late afternoon. That is a lot of meals outside of my routine and comfort zone!

Weekends like this usually turn in to a binge fest for me, but only sort of…I usually eat a fuck load of food, but not like I am sitting there with ice cream dripping down my face because I am constantly in the company of my team. It is always a struggle.

This weekend I went in to the weekend thinking maybe I could be ok, maybe I could manage to either eat more like a normal person, or at least restrict instead of over eat – in my world restricting is always the better option.

It didn’t work. I can’t say I managed either of my options.

I was ok with what I chose for Friday dinner because I had iron-fist control over all my food up to that point so I had eaten almost nothing to accommodate a restaurant meal.

Saturday was the competition and right up until dinner I did ok. I took my standard breakfast food with me, so I had that as a safe meal, and I ordered a really basic turkey sandwich for lunch that I could easily and accurately track, so again, that was ok. But then dinner happened. I won’t go in to details but lets just say it involved pizza, multiple desserts, gummy candies, and more.

Sunday was brunch. I had a plan, I got a made to order omelette and fresh fruit. That was all I was going to eat but then a teammate grabbed me a hash brown and I know it sounds stupid to say there was peer pressure to eat a hash brown, but there was. Normal people would eat it without a problem, and she wasn’t going to stop bugging me till I tried it. So I tried it, and it was freaking amazing. That started a downward spiral that consisted of more hash browns, waffles, and other brunch type foods. The scariest part of it was I could feel my control slipping. I wanted a stack of waffles, a bowl of fruit loops, more eggs, I wanted the fried potatoes, I wanted everything! I wanted it all, in large quantities, and covered in syrup, and I could see myself doing just that. I could see myself loading a plate and gorging myself on all that food.

I managed to not completely lose control but that fear has been with me the rest of the day. It is combined with the fear of “omg, how many pounds of weight have I put on since Friday” and “what if I am starting another binge cycle” and “I swear I am fatter in the mirror and my cheekbones and rib cage, and collar bones are not as prominent anymore”.

Lots of fear.

To deal with this fear I told myself I wouldn’t eat the rest of the day. When I made this promise to myself it was easy to do because I was still super full feeling from brunch and didn’t want anything. But now it is almost 10pm, I ate roughly 12 hours ago, and I think I am starting to feel a bit hungry, and I have no idea what to do.

Part of me wants to just go to bed and sleep through the hunger, I have an early shift at work tomorrow so this is a perfectly reasonable choice to me.

Part of me says I should have a light snack because 12 hours between meals is not what I am supposed to be doing and if I don’t eat until breakfast tomorrow it will actually be more like 21 hours and if 12 hours isn’t ok then 21 hours for sure is a no-no.

Part of me says eating so close to going to bed is not recommended…though I don’t know who says that…

Part of me says going to bed hungry means you don’t sleep as well…also not sure where I heard that one…

I think maybe my choice to not eat anything was not the best choice…maybe it wasn’t actually my choice but my eating disorder’s choice?…and if that is the case then I should fight it…but then I get stumped on what, if anything I should eat, because I am sure I have eaten more than my normal amount of calories for the day, and if I have, then shouldn’t I stop eating because I shouldn’t go over my calories, right? I’m not sure which is the right option, eating a snack and going over my calories for the day, or not eating something and going a long time between meals…

not hungry

Just gotta keep telling myself this…

Not A Good Sign

I think I am failing at recovery. Not intentionally, but regardless of if it is on purpose or not, I think I am failing.

Fuck.

Today I felt like I spent the whole day at my recovery program’s offices. First I had a meeting with my nutritionist. Then I had Meal Support group. Then I had book club…which I was deluded into thinking would be fun because I like to read but is still somehow turned in to a freakin therapy session! *rolls eyes*

So yeah, ok, my meeting with my nutritionist had some unsettling sentences being said, by her, which makes me think I need to be less honest about how things are with me cause, um, yeah, not good.

She said she is going to talk with my case worker about me and some things I have said and about potentially a new approach. I feel like I am in trouble and being tattled on. 😦

She also said perhaps I need more support than what I am getting now in getting out of my eating habits and adopting new ones and I should consider inpatient treatment at the hospital.

What the fuck?

First off, I am not under weight, sure I am losing but I am nowhere near under weight so no fucken way do I need inpatient. Second, I have a life, a job, a cat, rent to pay, shit to do, not like I can magically disappear from the world and go inpatient. Thirdly, no. Just no. I hate doctors. I hate medical stuff. It is bad enough when I have to go get blood work done, or have some other reason where I need to see a doctor, but going and being in a hospital 24/7? Nuh-uh. Not happenin.

So yeah, not the most pleasant of convos.

She goes on vacation for three weeks so our plan (I say “our” but it is actually hers) is that while she is gone I will focus on breakfast. Usually I put off eating as long as possible when I wake up but now I am supposed to eat within 1.5 hours of waking up, and it is supposed to be a healthy balanced all the food groups kind of meal. *rolls eyes* Then, when she returns she is going to put me on a meal plan. It will apparently be tailored to my height, weight, age, etc. She won’t tell me how many calories it will be. She also says I am not to track or tally the calories myself. I am supposed to blindly believe what she gives me will be ok. Cuz ya know, blind leaps of faith are things I am oh so good at.

After meeting with her I had Meal Support, which is also led by her. You sit, with others, and eat a meal that has all the food groups. You are supposed to eat the food within 20-30 minutes and after eating everyone plays a game to keep us distracted. I am the slowest eater ever, and couldn’t finish in time. I started to put my sliced apple away because everyone else was done and I didn’t want to hold up the start of the game playing but I got called out on that and was told I had to keep eating the apple while we all played the game. In one sitting I ate a strawberry greek yoghurt, an apple, and half a wrap with 1/4 of a chicken breast, spinach, carrots, cabbage, and bbq sauce in it. That is a LOT of food. Way more than I usually eat in one sitting. When I was done I thought I was ok, the game had kept me distracted from noticing how full I felt, I didn’t have a breakdown or anything, all was ok. Then I left to go buy a tea before my next group and as soon as I wasn’t distracted all I could notice was how full my stomach felt. It was so incredibly unpleasant. Ugh. I think if I do that group again I’ll go for a walk (or a jog) instead of going to buy tea, help get rid of that feeling.

I guess that group wasn’t a complete fail since I managed to eat all that food, even if it did take me longer than the time limit. But it was probably a fail in that I didn’t eat again for a really long time, and when I did eat it was something small and not calorie dense because I felt I had to make up for eating all that food earlier…

Then book club. We are reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I’m not really liking it. I am not a self-help book reader by any means, and this one is so, just, ugh. I don’t have words for it. I don’t connect with this book at all! In book club we talk about the chapters we were assigned to read that week, what if any connection we felt with what we had read etc, then we get a 5 minute break before we do some sort of project. This weeks project we were given a large piece of paper and told to draw a shape on it that symbolizes vulnerability to us. Then we went through a bunch of magazines to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that make us feel vulnerable and we had to put them inside the shape we drew. Then we had to find pictures, or words, or whatever, of things that allow us to be vulnerable and put those outside the shape. Then we had to describe the whole thing to the group. You may be laughing but you go try it, it’s harder than you think! Normally I really struggle with things like this but this week I managed to create something that seemed to impress the two people running the group. I think it was because I needed the distraction from how my stomach was feeling and the knowledge I ate all that food and the activity helped with that.

So yeah, that was my day in recovery and I think overall I didn’t do all that well. I got told inpatient might be the way to go and am being tattled on to my case worker. I ate a shit tonne of food. I didn’t handle eating all that food properly. Then I used the project in book club to distract myself from how I was feeling.

This recovery thing sure can suck, sigh.

too fat

Meal Support

One of the weekly groups that my recovery program offers is Meal Support. Basically, you take in a well balanced meal, eat it within 20 minutes in a room with other people, then you have to hang out for a while (I can’t remember how long) playing a game or working on a puzzle or some other lame activity that is supposed to keep you occupied.

When I was first told of it I dismissed it out of hand. I am fat, obviously I don’t have a problem with eating, so why go sit in a room with other people and eat? I don’t need that kind of help.

The next time I was told of it I asked some questions, then said nope. It doesn’t sound like a thing I need.

And the trend continued.

Then the other week my nutritionist called to reschedule a meeting with her I had cancelled and mentioned that our meeting would end just in time for me to go to Meal Support. I scoffed, said no thanks. She said it would be a good way to challenge myself, and to think about it.

That irritated me. Challenge myself? Am I not already doing that? Well, okay, maybe I’m not challenging myself all that much since I still engage in pretty much all of my restricting behaviours but whatever, that is besides the point.

So I went back and forth on if I would go or not.

Then a friend said something to me that needs a whole post of its own to get in to but really rubbed me the wrong way. What she said, combined with the whole “challenge yourself” thing left me thinking I am not trying hard enough, not doing enough, not working at recovery as much as I should be, so I decided fuck it, I will go to Meal Support.

At one time, when I thought about it, before I decided no, I thought maybe somewhere in the future I would go, but I’m not ready for it right now. I still don’t think I am ready for it…

I had drop-in group last night and one of the two people who run that session is one of the people that run Meal Support so I spoke to her about what exactly I am expected to bring to eat.

I am supposed to bring something from every food group. I am not allowed to bring anything “diet” and I am not allowed to have a salad as my main food component. She suggested I bring a sandwich, a fruit, a yogurt, oh and that the sandwich have protein in it.

That is a fuck lot of food to eat in one sitting.

I asked if my yogurt counted as dairy and fruit since it is a strawberry yogurt…she said no. sigh. It only counts as dairy.

Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat that much food in one sitting, let alone in 20 minutes. And it didn’t dawn on me until the other day that I do everything possible to avoid eating in front of other people. Plus, when I do eat, the only way I manage it is to be watching tv or be on social media, I need constant distraction to eat, and I don’t think I will get that tomorrow.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wimp out and not go. I don’t want to go and have to eat all that food in front of people. I don’t want to fail at yet another part of recovery. I don’t want to ruin my restricting streak by eating all those foods in one day.

I’ve been so good with my restricting lately, I’ve dropped another couple pounds. I can see individual ribs now and I don’t want to lose that. Don’t think I am skinny or something, I am losing weight weird so my tummy, hips and thighs are still disgustingly huge. But some parts of me are getting smaller, mostly around my rib area, and my arms, and my boobs, sigh. Why the boobs? Whyyyyy? πŸ˜‰

So yeah, I am stressing about this right now, wondering what to do tomorrow, what is going to happen, what will it be like, stuff like that…I am not enjoying this sensation, this butterflies in my tummy, trouble breathing, super nervous, sensation.

I don’t want to go to Meal Support.

But you know that saying:

Feel the fear, and do the thing anyways.

Maybe the fear I am feeling is not fear because of danger and it is keeping me safe. Maybe it is fear that I should fight against and I’ll come out stronger on the other side.

Although, right now, it feels like overwhelming fear that has me panicked and wanting to hide and wondering if I will survive tomorrow, because right now I feel like tomorrow is gonna kill me.

To The Bone

Have you seen the Netflix movie “To the Bone”? I’ve been waiting for it to come out ever since I heard about it which was hmm, maybe a month or so ago? I’ve been so impatient for it and finally, tonight after work, I got to watch it.

I loved it.

It isn’t perfect, what movie is? But even with it’s flaws I loved it.

I won’t go in to a full on review of the movie, mostly because I suck at giving movie reviews without also giving away what happens in the movie and I don’t want to ruin it for anybody who hasn’t seen it yet. But if you haven’t seen it, go watch it, it is totally worth your time.

The acting was so well done, the character arc well written, the emotion real. I liked that they had people who all looked different, showing that not all people with eating disorders look like the stereotypical anorexic. I like that they don’t pinpoint the reason for anybody’s eating disorder as being caused by one thing. I like that it seemed real, and I felt like I had things in common with the characters. Sure there wasn’t one specific character that I was all “that’s me! that’s what I do!” but I could see myself in bits and pieces of all of them. I liked that they showed recovery as a struggle, mentioned that it takes a long fucking time, that it isn’t as easy as “just eat something already”.

I can totally see this movie becoming one I watch over and over again.

ToTheBonePoster

3 Days

For three days in a row I lost 0.5 lbs a day! πŸ™‚ Β That’s 1.5 lbs in three days!

I know other people lose faster but for me that is freakin amazing! I weighed myself Friday and Saturday before work, those days I worked the late shift so I had slept in (ensuring I didn’t have to eat or realize I was skipping breakfast), had a quick step on the scale before getting ready for work, and was quite happy with where the number was going. I wasn’t going to weigh myself Sunday as I worked the early morning shift and I don’t like weighing myself at different times of the day – these things matter ok? For some reason I decided I would hop on the scale “just to see how it differs at 5:30am vs 12:30pm” and holy fuck I was down another half a pound.

Three days in a row!

I was practically beaming with pride.

What is annoying is there is nobody to tell and celebrate with. Nobody else would think this is a good thing, although I am over the moon happy about it.

I didn’t weigh myself today, I worked the early morning shift again and slept in so I didn’t have time to strip, pee, weigh myself, either celebrate with a happy dance or stare at myself in the mirror and criticize myself (if I had gone up), so I skipped the scale today.

I’m thinking I probably should have taken the time to weigh myself because today after work, and after my after work exercise, I ended up buying two different types of ice cream and ordering a burger and fries from a restaurant that has amazing burgers, sigh.

I ate the burger, the fries, and one Drumstick ice cream and holy fuck my stomach is so messed up now. It has been almost 6 hours since I ate the food and I can still feel it in my stomach! Why isn’t it going anywhere?? It is this lump of food, it is painful, my stomach is actually rounder (food baby anyone? ugh), I am so uncomfortable – and not just “omg I ate something my brain is panicking” uncomfortable, you know, the kind that is all a mental game that you can try to distract yourself from. Nope, this is actual physical discomfort that is making me feel sick, but not throwing up sick, just so not well in my stomach. I don’t have the words to describe how it feels, its just bad ok? It feels bad.

So all that happiness, that pride, that yay I am doing so well at losing weight and being so good with my restricting has come to an abrupt end. A brutal, fast, calorie dense, end.

Sigh.

Why do I always have to fuck up like this?

To top it off I cancelled my appointment with my nutritionist for this week, and tomorrow I will be calling to cancel my being at group session this week. In my defense this isn’t a random decision, I got offered a 12 hour work day for that day and I really need the money so I would have cancelled a visit with the Pope in order to take the work. It does suck that I’m cancelling two recovery related things though…except, does it suck? It should suck. If this was two weeks ago I’d probably be bummed, hell, I might have convinced myself to not take the work, but it’s been a little while since I’ve had a one-on-one cause of scheduling and I barely said two words in group last week so it was almost like not being there, and well, I’ve sorta distanced myself emotionally from the whole process.

I’m debating staying in the recovery program. I don’t know that it is for me. I think I was becoming too reliant on having people that I saw on a regular basis when really, I need to learn how to stand on my own, how to cope with stuff by myself. I think I’ve gotten a bit better, I don’t binge nearly as much now, and that is what I wanted help with. My restricting has become the more prominent behaviour which is helping me lose weight and that was the end goal I wanted – not necessarily to be restricting more but to be binge eating less so I’d lose the weight I put on from binge eating.

And wow this got off track lol this was supposed to be about how I was so excited that I lost half a pound a day for three days in a row – and I would still be happy about that, if I didn’t have a burger and fries and ice cream sitting in my stomach slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.

Does anybody know if slow digestion of a large quantity of food after restricting for a while is normal? I think I heard somewhere the digestion process slows down or something? I swear I can already see the fat from the food making my body fatter, not just my stomach but everywhere. 😦  Thank goodness I have a high activity, low food day, planned for tomorrow!

stop eating 2