Do You Ever…

Yesterday I ate horribly. Not a binge, just a lot of food for one day. Waaaaaay more than I would normally eat in a day, maybe the amount I would eat over the course of two and a half days or even three…so, a lot!

I won’t list the food, just trust me when I say it was too much. Though I wonder if my counselors would think it was me showing improvement because (1) I didn’t avoid social situations and (2) I ate food like a normal person. I mean sure, on my drive home I was almost in tears because of how I felt having a tummy full of food and I kept obsessing about what I ate, and why I ate it, and why didn’t I at least only eat half, and omg just stop fucking eating already! Ya know, totally sane thoughts like that. 😉

As the evening drew to a close I consoled myself with (1) I resisted using any of my diet pills or laxatives to get the food out of me quicker and (2) I could always restrict the next day to make it up.

So today rolls around and I know I can’t restrict for the entire day, not because I’m not strong enough to resist food, but because even I have clued in that doing that would be frowned upon and definitely not considered progress. I had my standard breakfast, which took forever to eat because I really didn’t want food. It got me thinking that I could easily get out of dinner by taking a Premier Protein drink with me and lying and saying I wasn’t feeling well and just drinking that. Technically it is a meal, least, I think it counts as a meal replacement, and it would be me ingesting calories around a standard dinner time so that follows the rules, but it wouldn’t be heavy and gross and compound the damage I did the day prior.

Oh the lovely loop holes my brain can find!

In the end I ate dinner. sigh. The chef made me an incredible salad and his salads totally count as a safe meal for me because well (1) it is salad, and his are not loaded with hidden high calorie scary foods, (2) the only time I eat veggies or most fruits are at work so his salads help me get my veg allotment for the week, (3) he put a lot of time and effort in to making my dinner and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I couldn’t eat it. I am so weak sometimes, ugh.

The salad took me a super long time to eat, which is hard at work because I don’t actually get a break so I am usually eating in between doing other things, or trying to find 5 minutes to scarf something down uninterrupted. But this salad was epic, and took time because every bite was me fighting my brain. Every time I took a bite my brain was telling me why I shouldn’t, was telling me I have too much food in me from the day before, was telling me I don’t deserve this amazing dinner because of how badly I ate yesterday. My brain was telling me a lot of stuff, none of it nice, and it didn’t get any quieter the more I ate, it just got louder. Almost out of spite I ate every last bite, even the blueberries!

I’m kinda fucked if I am only eating out of spite *rolls eyes*

When I got home I realized I hadn’t entered all the food I ate today in my tracker and I have to do that because it helps me realize if I have actually been under eating (it usually tells me that) or if I ate way more than intended and need to put on the breaks. So I sat and put all my food in to the tracker and did something that I wonder if others do…I fudged the data…

Even though no one but I sees my tracker I sometimes fudge the data so that if someone were to see it they would see something that might possibly be less alarming. So say I ate 1 or 2 strawberries (they are sometimes cut up in to my salads at work), I’ll track it as 1/2 Cup Strawberries so it looks like I ate way more of them. I know when looking back which data is faked because I pretty much always fake the same stuff, but someone who isn’t me would see this tracker and think I get all my fruit, all my veg, a decent amount of protein. I don’t know if it would look normal but it would look more normal than what I actually eat.

I also fake the data not just in case someone else sees it but also to trick my brain. Tonight I remembered I hadn’t put the food in to the tracker when I was sitting in the living room and starting to feel a bit hungry. I didn’t want to eat so I put the food I already ate in to the tracker, saw how much under I was for the day, wasn’t happy because I wish I was farther under my food goals for the day, and that helped me not go to the kitchen and get a snack – the tracker showed I didn’t have enough room for more food today, I should feel more full than I actually feel right now so my stomach must be lying to me about being hungry, don’t believe the signals from my body, they are fake, believe what the app on my phone says.

Shit like that.

In case you are wondering, I have resisted eating since I put the food in to the tracker. Even though I know what I put in is exaggerations of what I actually ate and I probably do have room to have a snack of some sort, I won’t eat because of what the tracker says. I don’t know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me…I also resisted making more tea or even getting a glass of water because I have felt all day like I should be cutting back on my fluids, dehydrating a bit, because lately I have been taking in more water and that has to stop…why that has to stop I am not exactly sure but I just keep feeling like it has to stop…which the rational part of my brain says isn’t a good idea because it is fucking hot out where I am but since when did being rational play a part in this? *rolls eyes*

polka dot

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