Slowly Changing

In the past I would have said that I worked out super hard today, which created a calorie deficit, and to get the most from this deficit I would restrict my eating so as to get the best weight loss results.

Or I would have gotten so hungry I would over eat…like yesterday.

Either way, I knew I would respond to the exertion of the day one of those ways.

This weekend has been a bit odd for how I handled things…at least odd for me…

Yesterday I got hangry and I over ate. So okay, fine, can’t go back and fix yesterday, gotta make up for it though! Today I couldn’t not eat anything, it was going to be too long and physically demanding of a day, add in being outside in ridiculous heat for 12 hours and some food and liquid would have to be ingested. Last night I made a plan for what I would be allowed to eat and drink today so I could (1) make up for yesterday and (2) maximize the benefits of being so active today.

I had a plan people!

My plan kinda went to shit. Ugh.

I ate my pre-approved breakfast (it was oatmeal), I even ate my protein bar later in the day. All was going as planned. At one point I made a very simple wrap for my lunch. I had to eat earlier than I wanted but timing was out of my control – I was however able to say I was going to eat half and save the rest for later, so that was good. By splitting it up like that I was able to avoid eating all kinds of things later. I don’t just mean have the willpower to say no to food but my team saw me eating the other half of the wrap and figured I was full so didn’t pressure me to eat.

However, despite all this awesomeness I caved on something so stupid that I still can’t believe I did it!

I got a small milkshake. What. The. Fuck. And I downed that sucker in record time! At least the team mate I was with who also got one downed hers in the same amount of time, so it didn’t seem crazy fast to others how quickly I drank it, but why? Why did I get it in the first place? I mean sure I wanted one but c’mon, that is no reason! I am so mad at myself.

That milkshake screwed up the whole rest of my food day.

I felt guilt. Super strong guilt. I felt like I can’t eat anything else anymore not because I was compensating for yesterday but because I had to punish myself for today.

So that is what I did. I was still racing, I still needed energy but I relied strictly on water to get me through the rest of the races. It was hard, but it was what I deserved.

After racing was done for the day a friend of the team came around and was giving us all free chicken schawarma wraps, I said no and continued with my water. He kept coming around though and eventually it became a “why aren’t you taking one” sort of thing, so I took one and said I would eat it later and stuffed it in my bag. When I got home I put it in the fridge but only because I don’t want it to smell up my compost, I plan on getting rid of it tomorrow.

That would have been great, a good way to end the day, but did I do that? No. Of course not.

Because changes are happening with my thinking, slow, confusing changes, but apparently something is going on up in that brain of mine because this thought popped in…

“couldn’t you look at eating after an extreme work out as a way to fuel your body and give it what it needs, you worked hard and eating isn’t taking away from that work or screwing up, it is rewarding your body for its work and keeping you strong so you can be active again.”

This is not my thought. This thought is the from the nutritionist I see and it was even repeating itself in my head in her voice.

We had talked about my restricting when I work out and how I get mad if I eat on days I workout because I feel I am wasting my calorie deficit. She has a different outlook on it – as evidenced by her thought popping up in my head lol

So there I am at home, I resisted all food but the milkshake, have intense guilt about the milkshake, somehow also have guilt about the shawarma that I didn’t eat, and I am thinking about eating, again.

I couldn’t figure out what to do. I didn’t want to eat. But maybe I should eat. I don’t feel hungry. But we all know my hunger signals suck. I feel like I over ate today and need to stop with the food. But I worked out crazy hard in hot weather and need to refuel my body.

Back and forth.

What to do…

In the end I decided to follow the thought of the nutritionist and I made a safe meal, an egg and 2 slices of turkey bacon. And then I followed my thought which was “you over ate, you’re a loser, you already fucked up might as well keep going” and I ate a small pastry from a bakery that I had. My only consolation is that I traded in that pastry, so instead of eating the toast I would normally have with the egg and turkey bacon, I had the pastry instead of, not as well as.

Still a stupid ass decision but at least I didn’t compound it by having the toast as well…small comfort now but it is the best I got…

I don’t know if I made the right decision. Maybe my nutritionist would have said “nope, you had that milkshake so you are fine to not eat because it is so many calories you don’t need more”. Maybe she’d be happy I had the milkshake since I take in very little dairy and that is dairy. Maybe she’d say I over estimated how active I was and need to limit my food intake because the deficit I think I made with my calories isn’t as extreme as I seem to think it is.

I don’t know!

I never know the freakin answer lately, and that is so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know the right answer to these situations that pop up. I don’t know what I should be doing, and making a mistake has huge consequences so I really can’t afford to screw up. And yet…I think I am always screwing them up…

I guess it is a good thing her thought and voice popped in my head, shows some of what I am being taught is sticking but I still don’t know how to tell what is the right answer…

trade off

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