I don’t trust people.
This isn’t a reflection of you, or of any specific person, it is just a fact. I know that people suck. They will let you down. They will not be there when you need them. They will hurt you. They will ultimately do what is best for them no matter who it might hurt.
That’s fine. I know all this, I’m not some naive idiot who thinks the world is a good place and so are the people who inhabit it. I would rather be strong, and ready, and have the knowledge that people can’t be trusted, then be shocked when something happens and I am confronted with this information abruptly.
Thing is, because I don’t trust people, I generally expect the worse from them. Maybe not right away, lots of people are good at hiding just how ruthless and uncaring they are, but eventually something happens and you see through the cracks.
My case manager, I think that is what her title is, confuses me. She is soft-spoken, she makes eye contact, she has open body language and gestures with her hands when she talks (not in a violent way or a trying to create distraction way, in a friendly open kind of way). She doesn’t get mad when I swear, or don’t do a good job, she has…I guess it would be compassion…for like, everybody…or so it seems.
I don’t get it.
I keep waiting for her to yell at me. Or tell me to do a better job already. I keep waiting for her to push me harder than what I am able to deal with, to try and break me.
Instead of forcing me to do something, she suggests, she talks about something then asks if I would be open to whatever it is she was talking about. No demanding I do something. No “if you don’t do this then I’m kicking you out of the program”. Just a question about if I would be open to trying what she talked about.
I really don’t get that.
I met with her two weeks ago, I had filled out one of our weekly forms where we answers questions about how we’ve been doing that week. It is kind of a snapshot so they know how strongly we are engaging in our eating disorder behaviours. I wrote that I had self-harmed. Didn’t really think about lying on the form since I figured they probably weren’t read by anybody but she called me to ask about what I had done, how I was doing, did I want to come in and chat. I didn’t really want to go in and chat, what was there to say after all? I gave myself second degree burns on my arm because I didn’t know how else to deal with a situation. Does that sentence really require a face-to-face conversation? I don’t think it does…Somehow though I ended up agreeing to go in and see her.
We chatted. She asked if I would be open to meeting with the shrink they have on staff, he could talk to me about medications that might help, stuff like that. I said no. I told her the truth, which was I was uncomfortable with being in a room alone with a guy. Well, I don’t think I worded it quite like that, but that is the gist. I can deal being in close quarters with a guy at work, or in a public space, where there are lots of escape routes and they aren’t really all that focused on me and only me. But in a room with a closed door and no one else to keep them occupied? No thank you! She said she would be there for the first meeting, and after that if I wanted she would come to other sessions.
See what I mean? She could have just told me to suck it up and go see him, but instead she offered to be there not just for the first session which she would be there for anyways but follow-up sessions also. Compassion. That woman has it in spades.
I also told her I don’t do medications. They aren’t my thing.
So she let it drop, just suggested I keep it in mind as something to consider for the future. I lied and said I would.
Then this past week we had a meeting, the 8 week group I had been in ended and there are post-group meetings to discuss things, see which group I am being put in next, stuff like that. Again with the paperwork. Again with me not lying about stuff I did. I really need to just lie on these stupid forms already, sigh. I told her I wasn’t sure if some of the stuff I did was technically considered self-harming because it wasn’t cutting or burning myself. She didn’t actually say, but I think the decision was that the things I had done are self-harming.
She again brought up seeing the shrink. Before I could say no she said he is booking all the way into August so not like the appointment would be right away. She also said he could give me lots of information about the different medications, I can research and make my own choice, I am under no obligation to take any pills, but it might be a good idea to talk to him.
She wasn’t mad, or pushy, but her face had an expression that I don’t have a word for…like…ugh, I just don’t know. But when she made that expression when suggesting I see the shrink I felt like if I didn’t say yes she’d be disappointed or something and apparently I don’t want to disappoint her since I said yes to a meeting with him.
What the fuck.
So now I have an appointment the beginning of August to see the shrink and talk meds. I guess the meds are to somehow help me not self-harm. I don’t really understand how that works, but it scares me. The idea of taking something and it being able to affect my decision to self-harm or not, what the fuck is it doing to my brain that some pill can affect a decision like that? I worry they change who you are, make you less you somehow. I dunno, I probably sound crazy. I just don’t like the idea of popping a pill, having it mess with your head, and everyone being ok with this happening.
I may back out of the appointment, I still have lots of time to decide. Maybe if I manage to not self-harm between now and then she won’t even get that expression on her face if I cancel…it’s a thought…