And Again

Last night I stopped at the grocery store after work. A dangerous time for me. Its like buying at night time somehow brings out the binge monster in me. I can 100% say if I didn’t live alone I’d be a secret eater. sigh.

So yeah, was in the store, bought some normal stuff but also bought donuts and ice cream.

Fuck.

Then I get home, turn the kettle on to make tea and whatdoyaknow, the ice cream magically got opened. Go figure.

I knew, 100% knew, if I sat down with that tub of ice cream I would eat the entire thing. I could even see me, sitting on my living room chair, taking bites of donuts between spoonfuls of ice cream.

The vision of me doing that made me disgusted with myself while also making me want it even more.

So I made a new rule, I can only eat the ice cream while standing up in the kitchen. I wanted to eat the ice cream way faster than I was but it is cold (obviously) and I have to eat things like that sorta slow cause my mouth freezes super easy and makes it hard to eat. Yeah I know I am weird.

I bought chocolate and peanut butter swirl. Weirdly enough the actual chocolate ice cream is mediocre but the swirls of peanut butter and the mini pb chocolate cups that are in the ice cream are amazing so at one point I was mostly digging to find those. I think I could dump that whole thing out, dig out the peanut butter swirls and the chocolate cups, just eat those, and be a happy camper.

Wonder how many calories I would save doing that…

Not the point!

The point is that even though I would only allow myself to eat it while standing up I still managed to eat a lot of it. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!

Then of course there were the donuts…I only had two but two, on top of the ice cream is bad enough.

If you are wondering why I only had two it is because that is all I bought. I knew I would eat however many I bought and even while I was in the store picking them out of the display case part of me was fighting the upcoming binge.

I didn’t want to binge.

I wanted to binge more than anything.

Obviously the side that wanted to binge won, as it always seems to do (eventually). But I guess if I couldn’t stop the binge at least I could stop it from being even bigger…does that make any sense?

Its like when you have a cut, you can’t make your body clot any faster so you can’t actually stop yourself from bleeding, but you can put a bandaid on the cut and help it be not so bad.

Afterwards I did not feel good. I went and showered and ended up crying in the shower, the only place I will cry since tears are hidden by water. Ending up sitting on the floor of my shower, being pummeled by water, crying, after eating a crap tonne of calories, was not how I envisioned ending my night.

I’d had such a good day up until then. Eaten healthy foods in quantities I was ok with. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what brought on this binge. It just sorta happened.

It is one thing to binge because something horrible happened, at least then you know why you are doing it. But this, this was just, I dunno…because?

“Because” is not a good enough reason but it is all I have right now.

I am so ashamed. So mad at myself. So depressed I once again engaged in this behaviour.

Mostly I am just ashamed.

ashamed

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One thought on “And Again

  1. myquietroar

    Please try to not be ashamed, it’s just such an unhelpful emotion in times like this. You bought less and you ate less – those are two massive steps at challenging the urges- I hope you can see the positivity in this.

    Reply

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