Ok so I am at a record almost 3 weeks without having a binge. I am also sitting at a record almost 3 weeks of seriously craving having a binge session and not indulging it.
I feel like I am going crazy.
Today I was mad, for no reason, just mad. Well, I sort of had a reason, it was my weekly weigh-in (I weigh myself more than once a week but only track the weigh-in results from Thursdays) and I gained weight. Ugh. I gained 0.4lbs so ok yeah, not like I gained a tonne but this is after two weeks of being in a plateau and I’m about at my breaking point over here.
Going up on the scale made me mad, I normally deal with being mad by eating, well, here I am trying to not binge which meant I had no coping skills to deal with the anger I was feeling.
Cue wanting to binge even more…
I had an errand at Costco and after I grabbed the items I was going there for I most definitely detoured to the bakery section to see what they might have. In case you are wondering I wanted doughnuts, I want doughnuts more than I want my next breath, sigh. And not one doughnut but allllllllll the doughnuts. ALL the doughnuts!
They did not have doughnuts. 😦
I contemplated buying a pie or cake but they cost too much so I left them alone.
Then I got to my car and pulled up the Panago website, I really like their dessert bread sticks so I thought I’d order some for pick-up and grab them on the way home. While looking at the website I changed my mind and went to Pizza Hut’s site, they have this Hershey’s Chocolate Chip cookie that is freakin amazing, it is jumbo cookie size, the chocolate is melty, it is warm, it omg, now I want that freakin cookie even more, sigh…So good! I feel weird ordering just a dessert from there so I ordered for pick-up the cookie, some bread sticks, and a personal size pizza. I looked at the total cost of the order and couldn’t do it, I couldn’t afford it.
Ugh. Being poor sucks.
I thought about getting just the bread sticks and the cookie but managed to stop myself from placing the order. Instead I ordered sushi for pick-up and debated stopping at a neighbourhood bakery or going to Tim Horton’s.
Through all this all I really wanted were doughnuts. There are these glazed doughnuts from WalMart, 6 for $1, literally dripping glaze, those were what I wanted. I had no legit reason for going to WalMart and I knew if I went I would buy those doughnuts, so I was doing my best to not go there. Luckily WalMart isn’t really all that near to where I was or where I live so getting to one would have been going way out of my way and since I’m trying to not spend money on excess things that extends to not driving places unless I need to and I was trying very very hard to not classify buying binge food as a “need to”. I figured Tim Horton’s doughnuts are way better quality anyways, so if I was going to buy doughnuts I should buy the better ones, right?
I picked up my sushi, which, in case you are wondering, I ordered because putting a roll in to my mouth fills my mouth, making it seem like I am binge eating, even though the quantity of food I have on my plate is not at binge levels. It is to get the sensory feel of the binge without the calories. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn’t.
This time it didn’t.
I had tricked myself though! After I picked up the sushi I drove home, told myself that if after I ate the sushi I still wanted the doughnuts I could either walk to the local bakery or drive to the Tim Horton’s that is nearby. Nothing stopping me from going out again, right?
I am lazy, and for some reason once I am in my place I get very reluctant to go out specifically to buy binge food. I feel like everyone is watching me and knows what I am doing. If I buy it when I am already out and about that is one thing, but going out just to buy it, I don’t like doing that. So by getting myself home I avoided buying the much coveted doughnuts.
I thought this was a win till I raided my kitchen cupboards. Couple brownies, a package of cookies, some random chocolates, and other foods later, I remembered why having a binge is not a good thing.
I feel so gross. I feel so guilty. It didn’t take away my anger, it if anything, intensified it because now I am even farther away from losing weight.
Why?! Why did I do it??
And not only why did I do it but why do I still want to be eating??
I forced myself to wait till a “normal” dinner time and ate a “normal” dinner. That wasn’t enough. I want more. I want to eat everything. I want to open another package of cookies even though the sweetness of the ones I ate is still making me feel nauseous. I want to go buy the doughnuts because they are what I have been wanting this entire time. I want to get a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and go to town. Ditto that but with Nutella. I want bread, in any and all forms. I want pastries goddammit. I want! I want! I want!
And yet, despite all that wanting, I am sitting here, typing, drinking endless cups of tea, feeling like I have a hole in my stomach and I can’t figure out if it is legit hunger or my stomach having trouble digesting all the crap I ate…and I am not eating.
I am not going back in to that kitchen and raiding more cupboards and eating more food.
I am not inhaling the other package of cookies. Or baking the pie I have in the freezer. Or baking fresh cookies, or a cake for that matter. Hell, I’m not even making toast.
Instead I am dealing with acid reflux, and a gurgling stomach, and self-loathing, and self-hatred, and guilt, and why did I think having a binge would do me any good?
Now I have to restart my counter for how many days I have been restricting and been good.