Not Imaginative Enough

I tend to think of myself as someone with a pretty decent imagination but when it comes to getting past my eating disorder and being “normal” I just can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine not always worrying about what I am eating, or not eating, checking nutritional information, tracking my food, denying myself something tasty, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, eating more than 7 foods on a regular basis, judging myself and every action or inaction I take with food, adjusting my life to accommodate my eating disorder…the list goes on…I just…I can’t see it…

At group today there was a guest speaker, someone who went through the program and has been recovered for years. She was there to talk to us about her experience, some of what she went through, answer questions. She was a good speaker, easy to listen to, seemed comfortable telling her story, answered all questions asked of her buuuuuut I dunno if I believe her.

Not that I am saying I think she is a flat out liar, just, I don’t know how anyone can claim some of the things she says, let alone someone who used to have an eating disorder.

She says she doesn’t weigh herself anymore, like, at all! She also says she doesn’t track her food intake in any way. She eats intuitively and she eats whatever she feels like eating, so if she wants fish ‘n chips she has it, if she wants a doughnut she has it, whatever she wants to eat she eats it and has no guilt about eating that particular food.

Is that even a thing? An actual possible thing?

I don’t think it is…

She says she exercises because it feels good, not to punish herself for something she ate.

Yeah sure, ok.

Here I am restricting my food intake because I so desperately want to binge but I am trying so hard not to and the only way I know to not binge is to not eat. If I eat something I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing…or barely nothing, and what I do eat is a safe food. Which fyi, the list has gotten drastically smaller for what I consider safe. And that girl is saying she eats whatever she wants and has no guilt?

Not only does she apparently not engage in any eating disorder behaviours she also doesn’t have any of the thoughts. My brain is a constant swirl of ed thoughts and she says she has none of them? Not even vague lingering ones? What would be in my brain if it wasn’t always thinking ed stuff? It would probably be the most quiet, boring, brain in the world!

I don’t know how todays meeting was supposed to help me…maybe it was meant to inspire me? Let me know I can recover? Show me actual proof of someone who made it to the other side?

All I feel like I saw was a woman who says she doesn’t think or act a certain way but in gaining that she also gained weight and is not fat exactly but not thin…not where I want to be…why does recovery always seem to involve ending up larger than you want to be? Why can’t people recover but stay thin? Aaaaand that is a rant for another day! lol

I dunno…I don’t see what I am getting from these sessions…maybe recovery isn’t for everyone and I am meant to stay the way I am?

unwinnable-battle

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