Flare Up

So apparently the stress of an upcoming first session at ED counselling makes all sorts of ED behaviours flare up to crazy levels. sigh.

This past week and a half I was either restricting more than I had been or wanting to binge eat soooooo much. I knew I was freaking out about today but knowing why I was going crazy didn’t help me to stop going crazy or stop the urges or stop the behaviours.

Why does self-awareness not help stop the urges and behaviours? Seems if I am going to be looking internally at myself and figuring shit out the least that could come from it is lessened ED behaviours.

I guess I am asking for too much *rolls eyes*

So this first 7 weeks is Education Group. Today was sort of an intro to what to expect for the entire 7 weeks as well as talking a bit about why we develop eating disorders, what purpose they can serve, things like that. The group is run by two people and they divided us up in to groups to work together on some little projects. I didn’t mind the two other people in my group but oh man there is a woman in the larger group that I wanted to smack. She is so full of anger and has what appears to be absolutely no control of her anger. Ugh. She is constantly muttering under her breath, swearing, making sharp angry movements and noises when something is said she doesn’t like.

I get it, this process is most likely gonna suck, and she learned today that there is no guarantee of recovery and even if you do recover there is a chance of relapsing and you can even get part way through recovery, say move from Stage 1 to Stage 2 and then relapse back to Stage 1 before moving forward again to eventually reach Stage 3. I don’t see why learning this admittedly sucky information necessitated her behaving so demonstratively and so immaturely.

I guess I shouldn’t judge her too harshly since it has only been one session, and I will try to have a more open mind in regards to her behaviour next week but I really hope she doesn’t keep acting like this.

On another note we are supposed to make sure we are nourished before coming to the session so that we are better able to learn and pay attention. Uh, hello, I’ve been restricting my food for years, I am perfectly capable of learning when malnourished lol I don’t usually eat before noon so no way am I eating before going to this session, it starts at 10am! Who eats that early?? They provide Boost and some sort of bar, maybe a granola bar, not too sure as I went nowhere near either item. If we don’t eat prior, or if we feel the need to eat we are supposed to help ourselves. We are also welcome to bring our own snacks and eat while in the session, as long as we aren’t disruptive about it.

I don’t know why but this strikes me as ridiculous.

Eating some sort of Boost drink or bar when I don’t have the nutritional information is so not gonna happen! And bringing a snack and eating it in front of others? No thanks! Or even just eating in general at that time of day? Nuh-uh!

I’m curious to see if anyone else eats something in front of the group…

hate

stress

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