Freakity Freak

I keep having mini (and not so mini) freak outs at reeeeeally random times lately. Well, by lately I mean over a month.

I’m not a panic attack type of person, and I wouldn’t call these freak outs panic attacks, they are just, I dunno…me struggling I guess?

I used to handle all my emotions with food, either by stuffing my face and binge eating them away or not eating anything and using the pain of hunger to keep me strong, which in turn kept me strong against emotional stuff.

Well, since I’ve been doing Weight Watchers I’m severely limited in the amount of binge eating or calorie restricting I can engage in if I want to follow the program. Since I’m paying mucho dollars to be part of the program and following it is my attempt to eat in a more normal and healthy manner I don’t really want to on purpose fuck it up ya know?

Sometimes I mess up and over or under eat a bit, usually because of miscalculating my points or getting so busy I forget to eat and realizing at the end of the day I’m way under my points but most of the time I follow the plan.

Thing is, I am starting to hate it, and feel bitter and angry that I am following it, and feeling constrained by it, and holy fuck do I want to take a spoon and dig in to the jar of peanut butter!…but I can’t, because peanut butter is high in points and eating it by the spoonful goes again the plan. sigh. I am really really hating the plan lately.

Depending on the day I either don’t want to make or eat anything and am pissed that I am constantly having to decide what to eat, then cook it, then eat it. Other days I am pissed that I am only allowed X amount of food and I want to eat alllllll the donuts or a cake or something else delicious but I can’t because it is way too unhealthy of a food choice, and in way too large of a quantity to fit in to my allowed amount of food for that day.

My head is going to explode!

I have cooked and eaten something when I don’t feel hungry because it is 7p and I have eaten nothing and I know that I have to eat something if I’m going to follow the rules but I really just want to give myself a day of no food, a day where I can enjoy the feeling of lightness that comes with there being no food in your stomach. Just one freakin day!

I have also had days where I have to leave the apartment because I know if I don’t I will eat and eat and eat some more but I have to make sure I go nowhere near any place that sells food I want (or just not take any money with me) because I’ll end up buying a whole lotta binge food and go crazy eating it.

I’m living in this weird middle ground, where I don’t restrict and I don’t binge, and I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel and I don’t like how I have lost my coping mechanism because I don’t have a new coping mechanism to take its place.

So these freak outs happen when emotions are everywhere, when I am filled with them and they are beating against my body, trying to get out, trying to be properly felt and known, and I don’t know how to handle them. How do people handle such strong emotions?

I’ll feel sad and instead of getting rid of the sadness by eating pastries I just feel sad, then the sadness grows, and it takes over, and all I am is a big ball of sad.

I’ll feel angry and instead of shifting focus from my anger by not eating and focusing on how I feel when I haven’t eaten I just keep feeling anger, until I get mad at everything.

See a pattern here?

So far all I’ve managed to do when this happens is ride out the emotional freak out, sometimes I end up curled in to a ball not focusing on anything, just kind of there, waiting until it eases off some. Other times I cancel my plans and hermit. A couple times I go out and hike a trail, or run laps, anything that will allow me to focus on what my body is physically feeling rather than what I am emotionally feeling.

I don’t know how much longer I can take being bombarded with emotion like this, it is exhausting. I don’t like failing, and so far that fear of failing the program is what has kept me following it even when having these freak outs but I don’t know how much longer that’ll be enough to keep me from going off the rails. I miss not eating, like, physically miss the sensations that come when I don’t eat for days, just like I miss buying a cake and eating it all while watching tv…though I don’t miss the guilt and shame that hit me after I’ve eaten the cake, which of course then leads to me not eating, which eventually leads to me breaking down and buying a cake…it is a cycle, I know its a cycle, and not a good one, but it is such a part of me, of my life, that not having it anymore has left a hole in me and I have nothing to fill it with and I miss it…

tummy

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