What To Say…

I’ve come here and written and then deleted so many posts lately, or sometimes I just come, open a new post and stare at the white screen not knowing where to start. It is frustrating wanting to write but not knowing what I want to say, or knowing what I want to say but not being able to express it well enough to hit “publish”.

I’ve been having a tough time lately, dealing with family stuff, personal stuff, work stuff, just stuff. And yeah, I know everyone has shit to deal with but ya know, some people are better at dealing than others. I know with some things I am great at dealing and other things not so much, shrug, its just how I am I guess.

I ran in to an ex the other day and by some weird fluke I wasn’t looking horrible. It was a race day so I was in my team jersey and yoga pants with all my gear on and I had just finished a race so I wasn’t exactly looking glamorous but since he competes in the same sport he knows what people look like after a race. My team ranked higher than his, which is a first, he was always the one on a better ranking team and he never let me forget it. The thing that stuck with me from that chance encounter is that he has gained weight. Not like some massive amount or anything, but definitely gained. I know noticing and commenting on that makes me seem petty and juvenile but just so you know my side of things, when we were dating he used to tell me I had better not get fat and if I gained weight he would dump me, so sorry if it is rude but it made me grin seeing he got bigger.

Another thing that happened, I was with friends, friends who know I am trying to lose weight but who don’t know I have an ed. There was a huuuuge box of TimBits and one of my friends took the box and shoved it in my face and taunted me, trying to get me to eat them. I kept saying no, which was sooooo freakin hard, and she kept doing it, with others chiming in! I had already eaten 4 which is waaaaaay over the amount I should have eaten and knew I was headed for a binge later in the evening if I wasn’t careful, in fact I was already planning a route home that would take me past a Tim Horton’s so I could buy my own box, scarf them all down, and have no one be the wiser. Ugh. So anyways, there they were, doing their damndest to get me to eat all the TimBits and somehow I managed to stick to my guns and not eat them…well, anymore than the four I already mentioned I ate.

I am pretty mad that they wouldn’t leave me alone but at the same time they don’t know my struggle so how can I expect them to know not to do that? And also, even if they did know my struggle, I don’t want people to have to feel like they have to handle me with kids gloves ya know? I want to be strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way and not internally freak out, or get depressed, or binge as a way to deal. I’m not there yet but maybe one day…

I’ve been feeling really sad lately, for no apparent reason, so I’m putting it down to being in one of my slumps. They happen sometimes and they suck. I can feel when they are starting but have never been able to stop one from starting. It is like being sucked down in to a dark pit, you see you are at the edge and you see the ground crumbling under your feet but you can’t care enough to step back, you just watch as you fall and hope that eventually you figure out how to climb out of the pit. I’ve always managed to climb out eventually but I’m pretty sure one day I won’t be able to…not sure what will happen then…

I’m still losing weight, so that’s good. Not as quickly as I want but hey, down is better than maintaining or going up! Also, if I lose the weight a bit slower people won’t notice it as quickly which means I’ll have fewer people worried or trying to sabotage my efforts so all-in-all, slow might be a better choice for right now. It sucks because I am impatient and want to lose it all right away but I’m trying to focus on slow being better rather than my impatience…I’m not always good at it but I’m trying…

2016-07-29 00.32.59

 

waist

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4 thoughts on “What To Say…

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