No Words

Do you ever want to talk because you are going through something but you can’t find the words, you don’t even know what exactly you are going through, you just know you are miserable, but since you have no words to elocute what you are feeling, and aren’t really too sure yourself what it is you’re feeling, you just stay silent and the misery lingers, and grows, and when you aren’t able to distract yourself you find yourself sinking lower and lower into the misery?

That’s me. sigh.

I’m struggling but I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it. I’m still following the weight watchers program. I was away competing with my sports team this past weekend and managed to (1) not restrict and (2) not binge. I’ve been going to work and basically living my life.

But…

But it is all a struggle.

Now that I’m back home after being out of town with my team I find myself restricting. I’m not all the way down to not eating anything but I am under eating by a lot and I kinda don’t care.

I’m not sure what is driving me to restrict. I’ve never really tried to figure out why I restrict but this time I took some time to think about it and I realize I don’t know what is driving me to not eat.

I’m on the waiting list for the adult ed program, I was told the average wait time for a spot is three months and I’m not quite halfway in to that wait time. Most of the time I don’t mind that I haven’t been contacted yet but sometimes I wish I had some sort of help.

The program isn’t an inpatient program, it is a three times a week group meeting sort of thing, from my understanding anyways. Every now and then, kind of frequently lately, I almost wish I was sick enough to be put in an inpatient program. I know realistically that will never happen. For one thing I am not that sick, two, I can’t go inpatient, I have bills and a cat to take care of, three, nobody knows I struggle so nobody will ever notice I need help and reach out to someone on my behalf.

Its weird, I don’t want inpatient, but sometimes I do because maybe I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this feeling as much. I think it might be nice to have someone to lean on…I’m probably wrong though.

I’m rambling, and I know I’m rambling, but I can’t help it. My head is a jumbled place to be and I have nobody to talk to…not that I really know what I want to say…I just…sigh, I’m messed up in my head…

not ok

skinnier

 

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