Pressure

I worked an odd shift today, 1pm – 9pm, and I was super sleep deprived when I eventually got up to get ready for work so I had juuuuust barely enough time to make my standard first meal of the day.

I am very unoriginal with my first meal of the day but for some reason, if I eat these items as my first meal, I have no guilt over eating them, no stress, no worrying. I don’t know why…I also feel like it gives me a solid start to my day so I can then go a long time without eating, because I ate a proper first meal. I think part of it is a placebo thing but whatever, I’ll take it lol

My first meal is always two slices of turkey bacon, one egg over easy, and two pieces of brown toast. That is sorta the baseline, after that I have some variations I play with. So for today I had those items but I also had 9 slices of mushroom that I put in the pan with the turkey bacon to cook them, sometimes I will also have 4 baby tomatos sliced in half (also cooked in the pan). Ummm, what else, if I am feeling adventurous I will put some cheese on one piece of toast then layer the turkey bacon, veggies and egg on top and eat it as an open faced sandwich. The second piece of toast I will eat on its own. In my world toast always comes in pairs lol

I had to make sure I ate this today before work because there was a buffet at work in celebration of Canada Day and the menu looked amazing, but oh so bad for me. But amazing! Lucky for me when I am full, and I’m in a restricting phase, no food, no matter how amazing, can tempt me to eat. So I walked the buffet line because friends at work were encouraging me to grab something to eat and I didn’t take a damn thing. I didn’t even take something to hold on to and eat later! I was very proud lol 😛

But then later at work things got hard. sigh. I had a salad for dinner with 7 prawns on top and some fresh fruit salad. Since I am on weight watchers this counted as a very good meal. It did fill me up which was great. The hard part was it was a stressful shift and allllll I wanted was chocolate. Then the wanting of chocolate turned in to the wanting of basically any food. I wanted to cram my mouth with any and every food from the kitchen. Pastries? Sure! Ice cream? Gimme! A peach tart? Yummm! My work is always filled with desserts and my stress and just general love of desserts was making me want them all. Hell, I would have settled for stale cookies if only I could have managed to binge eat them while at work with no one seeing.

Of course I couldn’t eat any of the treats at work but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t constantly thinking about food. And oh boy do I mean constantly! Every single thing I did I was using part of my brain to think about food, about what I want to eat, about how good it would taste, about how it would take away the stress I was feeling, about how it would make me feel better. I contemplated coming home and having a binge, or waiting until I was the only staff member left and having a binge at work, basically I couldn’t stop thinking about all that food and having a binge.

The pressure mounting in my brain was ridiculous. The pressure I was feeling inside, the emotional pressure I mean, was not something I am equipped to handle. There was so much pressure and I had no way to release it, no way to stop my thoughts, no way to stop wishing I could binge, no way to fix any of this!

I never got an opportunity at work to binge, one of the servers was also working the overnight shift so she not only never left but started her second shift working in the kitchen so no way I could binge with her there to see. No way to even smuggle the food out of the kitchen. I felt better when my opportunity was gone. If there was no actual way I could binge at work well, I dunno, it is like some of that pressure released a bit.

I also managed to not binge at home. Once I left work the urge got a little less. It wasn’t gone, not by any means, and if I wasn’t (1) trying my damnedest to restrict right now and (2) technically trying to not epically fail at weight watchers, I would have binged, massively. I would have stopped at the store on my way home and bought all kinds of food. So I just made sure to not stop at the store, any store. I took a route home that is longer but doesn’t have me driving past McDonald’s and when I got home I immediately turned on some music and hopped in the shower – distraction! distraction! distraction!

Some eating did happen when I got home but controlled, fit in to my weight watchers points, eating.

I find though that I am under eating almost daily according to weight watcher rules. The only times I haven’t under eaten are days when I cave and binge eat. When I scan back in the app and look at previous days they all show me with points remaining for the day when they are supposed to show me at zero – indicating I ate my daily points and didn’t go over. But nope, not me, I seem to consistently have daily points left, I’m not sure how bad this is in the weight watcher world but I’m thinking its not good. It is kinda like being told you should be eating around 1400 calories a day and only eating 780. But see calories I understand so I always knew just how much I was under eating, with points I’m not really sure. Is 6 points under ok, or bad, or super bad? If 6 is bad does that mean the days I am 12 points under, or 20 under put me in the uber super duper bad category? I just don’t know…

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