A New Connection

After my last post, where I was freaking out because I ate allllll that pie, I hit an even lower point. The inside of my head was an absolutely  horrible place to be and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t write, I have no one I can talk to, I was losing any ability to cope and well, how much farther down can I actually get before I just give up completely? *sigh*

I decided, on a whim, to join weight watchers. I thought that instead of following rules I make up I might do better at following someone elses rules. If nothing else it might help me adjust a bit easier once I actually get in to the adult ed program.

Do you realize how much freakin food you eat in a day on weight watchers?!?! On days where I desperately want to restrict, the amount of food I am supposed to eat (according to this plan) is a ridiculously high unattainable goal.

On the flip side, days where I neeeeed to binge, omg, you can barely eat anything on this stupid plan!! The amount of food I normally eat in a binge would not only wipe out my food allotment for the day but all the extra points I get for the week and then some. There is no way to fit a binge in to this plan without majorly screwing up.

This may have been my dumbest idea yet.

I’ve binged multiple times each week since I’ve been on the program, but some of the times the binges are smaller than they would have been otherwise because of not wanting to use up even more of my points.

(for those who don’t know, in weight watchers foods are converted to points so you don’t count calories you count points)

Something that I am trying to think of as good happened last week though…

I was sad. I was at home in the evening and was so incredibly sad, for absolutely no reason that I could discern. Nothing had happened to me or to those I care for. No big life changes had occurred. Nothing. Nada. No reason at all.

As I sat there, sad, I realized I wanted to binge. Not because I was hungry but because I wanted to get rid of that feeling. I guess some of my binges are to suppress emotions I am feeling…

So there I am, sad, don’t know what to do about it, wanting to binge, and what did I do? I did not binge. I did nothing. I couldn’t focus on tv or reading or writing or anything really, but I also didn’t mindlessly eat my emotions away. I just sorta wallowed in them. I didn’t like it. I wanted them gone. I wanted some magical cure to get rid of that sadness but I don’t know one so I just sat there, curled in to a ball on my living room chair, incapable of doing anything but feeling.

It sucked.

But it showed me that if I don’t eat my emotions away nothing truly horrific will happen. Sure it sucked but I guess I can handle that…that day anyways…

I got told once that I have depression. I don’t think it was an official diagnosis but I was told this by a counselor so, shrug, maybe it counts, I dunno. It is untreated, just something I have had since I was a teenager. I know I fluctuate between so sad I can’t function and numb and seeming to be like everybody else and I just figured that is how I am made.

After managing to not binge eat my feelings away I started to wonder how many times have I binged because of my feeling sad, or angry, or depressed? Just how closely linked are my depression and my eating disorder?

I don’t actually have an answer for this question, and I have no one I can ask who might have the answer (unless one of you know?) but it is one more thing for me to think about. I’ve always prided myself on being in control of my eating disorder but falling in to so many binge-fests so close together made me realize I don’t control it as much as I thought and now I wonder if some of that lack of control is because my brain is trying to protect itself from such strong emotions by numbing my body to what is going on.

because

drowning

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