Pie

I ate pie today, and not like a normal person where I had one slice, oh no, heaven forbid I don’t be a disgusting pig *rolls eyes* I was well on my way to finishing off the entire thing when I finally managed to stop. It’s a little hard to tell because it was smooshed in my bowl but I’d say I ate 3/4 of the pie…plus topped it with Ben n Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream.

Ugh.

It would appear that going to the Adult Ed Information Session on Monday has set me on a path of binge, binge, and binge some more!

What. The. Fuck. 😦

Today was pie, yesterday was an entire box of macaroni and cheese and some chocolate, Tuesday I managed to have some restraint but Monday on the way home from the session I bought freakin McDonald’s (two cheeseburgers no pickle, fries and a chocolate milkshake thanks very much).

I am a walking disaster.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I finished the pie eating fiasco hmm…two hours ago maybe and I am still horrendously nauseous. On top of that, before I ate the pie I was actually doing well for the day but was feeling a bit off in the tummy for no reason I can deduce so all I did by eating the pie and ice cream was compound the sick feeling. I thiiiiink I was feeling sick from the binge yesterday, like a food hangover, maybe? It’s my best guess anyways.

On top of all this I missed my team practice this evening, and we compete this Saturday! Tonights practice was so so so important and I fucking missed it because I was eating fucking pie! I let my team down, and me down, and for what? A pie that wasn’t even that good? For a chance to stuff more food in to my gut? For an experience that leaves me hating myself?

Yeah, good choice there dumb ass.

I was in the shower a bit ago and had the realization that I missed practice, something I actually love going to, for pie, and I cried a little. I’m not really a crier but that knowledge broke a part of me. Knowing that I am so out of control that I skipped something important so I could eat pie.

That’s so not normal.

I have approximately three months before I get in to the program, wait lists an all that. And I have no money to get personal counselling any earlier than that so I have to sit with this knowledge, not knowing how to process it, and what do you bet by the time I do get in to the program I will have blocked this from active memory so I never bring it up, or I am so embarrassed I choose to never bring it up because who would want to admit to this?

I hate myself right now. I hate the choice I made. I hate that I didn’t recognize the choice I was making as the wrong one. I hate that 99% of the time I think I am in control but then something like this happens and I realize I am not but I don’t know how to fix anything. I hate that there is nothing I can do right this very second to help myself because I don’t know how. I hate that our wonderful free healthcare system means having to deal with wait lists. I hate that I am so weak I got myself in to this situation in the first place and I really hate I can’t figure out how to get out of it on my own.

Basically right now I am a big ball of self-hatred…and nausea, don’t forget the nausea. sigh.

cyclecollarbones

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2 thoughts on “Pie

  1. morganlithe

    I have to say… The vulnerability in your brevity, candor and honesty not only here,Mitch your followers, but really, with yourself is amazing. It’s inspirational, it’s brave and brilliant. To face whole-heartedly what we fear the most turns it from and “avoided unknown” to a “known” feeling or issue. Even in doing that you are empowering yourself to acknowledge triggers, to see clearly what takes you down paths to cause more fear or to inspire love… You are this boundless, transforming, astoundingly courageous human that makes me want to show myself and others more love and through that love, how to be more accepting of things. I know accepting something doesn’t mean I have to like it, doesn’t mean I have to embrace it, just respect the fact that it makes me FEEL SOMETHING. Anything. You are a beacon of light, a goddess, a profoundly lovely and completely lovable person. I wish I could have a coffee date with you and just talk with someone so rare, so kind, so real. I adore you. I’m so glad to have found your blog. It is a joy and a gift to read your musings. I’m proana, a type one diabetic since birth and a middle child-
    sandwiched between two sisters in a house with dysfunction and competitive, unrealistic beauty standards. You bring truth, understanding and self introspection and love to my life in others ways than I am typically privy to. Thank you for being born. Xxxoxoxxx

    Reply
    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      I wish I had a smart, or at least deep response to your amazing comment but I am flabbergasted and teary and unsure of what to say.
      Thank you.
      Thank you for saying such kind things. I’m at a low point with things right now and logging on and seeing this comment makes me feel like maybe there is a point to the struggle.

      Reply

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