I ate pie today, and not like a normal person where I had one slice, oh no, heaven forbid I don’t be a disgusting pig *rolls eyes* I was well on my way to finishing off the entire thing when I finally managed to stop. It’s a little hard to tell because it was smooshed in my bowl but I’d say I ate 3/4 of the pie…plus topped it with Ben n Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream.
It would appear that going to the Adult Ed Information Session on Monday has set me on a path of binge, binge, and binge some more!
What. The. Fuck. 😦
Today was pie, yesterday was an entire box of macaroni and cheese and some chocolate, Tuesday I managed to have some restraint but Monday on the way home from the session I bought freakin McDonald’s (two cheeseburgers no pickle, fries and a chocolate milkshake thanks very much).
I am a walking disaster.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I finished the pie eating fiasco hmm…two hours ago maybe and I am still horrendously nauseous. On top of that, before I ate the pie I was actually doing well for the day but was feeling a bit off in the tummy for no reason I can deduce so all I did by eating the pie and ice cream was compound the sick feeling. I thiiiiink I was feeling sick from the binge yesterday, like a food hangover, maybe? It’s my best guess anyways.
On top of all this I missed my team practice this evening, and we compete this Saturday! Tonights practice was so so so important and I fucking missed it because I was eating fucking pie! I let my team down, and me down, and for what? A pie that wasn’t even that good? For a chance to stuff more food in to my gut? For an experience that leaves me hating myself?
Yeah, good choice there dumb ass.
I was in the shower a bit ago and had the realization that I missed practice, something I actually love going to, for pie, and I cried a little. I’m not really a crier but that knowledge broke a part of me. Knowing that I am so out of control that I skipped something important so I could eat pie.
That’s so not normal.
I have approximately three months before I get in to the program, wait lists an all that. And I have no money to get personal counselling any earlier than that so I have to sit with this knowledge, not knowing how to process it, and what do you bet by the time I do get in to the program I will have blocked this from active memory so I never bring it up, or I am so embarrassed I choose to never bring it up because who would want to admit to this?
I hate myself right now. I hate the choice I made. I hate that I didn’t recognize the choice I was making as the wrong one. I hate that 99% of the time I think I am in control but then something like this happens and I realize I am not but I don’t know how to fix anything. I hate that there is nothing I can do right this very second to help myself because I don’t know how. I hate that our wonderful free healthcare system means having to deal with wait lists. I hate that I am so weak I got myself in to this situation in the first place and I really hate I can’t figure out how to get out of it on my own.
Basically right now I am a big ball of self-hatred…and nausea, don’t forget the nausea. sigh.