When I’m Tired

When I’m tired I make bad choices. Bad choices in every area of my life. At the time I am so tired I can’t bring myself to care, I am numb from exhaustion but afterwards, when I am pumped up on caffeine or had some sleep I care, I care a whole hell of a lot.

Right now I am on the upswing from taking in caffeine and carbs and sugar and I am pissed at myself.

I was tired all day today, I felt like I was moving through syrup, every action was harder than it should be. After work I went hiking with a friend and thought I was going to die when we were going up the inclines. How can one hill be so freakin long? Demonic path.

On the way home I was thinking about what, if anything, I would eat for dinner. There is nothing in my apartment I want to eat. Either I am unhappy with the calories, or the protein to carb ratio, or I’m just not feeling it. So I started wondering if there was something I could pick up on the way home, there aren’t many safe take-out options left for me but there are a couple (mostly sushi with no rice). Because I was thinking about food from outside my apartment my brain leapt to all sorts of things, like McDonald’s, pizza, cheesecake…things I can’t eat but wish I could.

When I got home I changed in to comfy clothes and basically collapsed on to my bed. I would have fallen asleep except I was freezing cold and the cat kept patting my face and meowing at me. Once I dragged myself off the bed I was working on auto pilot and made a stupid, stupid, stuuuuuupid decision…I ordered take-out. Not even something I can vaguely justify as mildly healthy either, sigh. I ordered bread sticks and the chocolate chip cookie from Pizza Hut.

Fuck.

Even as I hit the checkout button on the website I felt remorse. I sat there, rocking back and forth, instantly regretting the purchase, knowing if I had waited, maybe drunk some water to fill my stomach, maybe let myself fall asleep, maybe distract myself from my hunger by reading or watching a movie or well, anything other than ordering food, I would never have made this food choice. I couldn’t go back and change what I did so I sat, waiting for the food delivery, knowing I was about to eat super bad for me food, in ridiculous quantities, because that is apparently what I do when super tired. sigh.

Now I’m sitting here feeling oh so full, still exhausted but no way I’ll sleep for a while because my tummy is full of bread sticks and chocolate chip cookie.

All my super strict calorie restricting so I would make a good impression at the upcoming meeting about the adult ed program down the drain…I’m useless.

anorexic

dont want to

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