A little while ago I sucked up what little amounts of courage I seem to have when it comes to asking for help and went to a doctor to request a referral to an adult ed program in my area. The doctor was not great and the experience kinda sucked but it was done and oddly, once it was over, I felt…lighter…I don’t mean weight wise, but as if a bit of stress was off my shoulders. Stress I hadn’t even realized I had.
I didn’t know how long it would take to hear anything, there are long wait lists for everything medical related in this country so I put it on the back burner of my brain and tried to ignore it. Thing is, I wasn’t even sure if the referral went through. I had to go for a bunch of medical tests and the results of those got sent with the referral and the doc I saw didn’t seem to think I really needed help (she said I was a pretty girl and should get over it) so I had this suspicion that my paperwork would get lost along the way and I’d never hear about it again.
Part of me was willing to let it stay like that. I figured I had done my part, I asked for help, if the referral didn’t get sent then that was the universe saying don’t worry about it, or something to that effect. I was toying with the idea of calling the doctor’s office to ask if they could look at my file and see if the referral was sent but never got around to it.
Well, two Fridays ago I got a call, which I missed so it went to voicemail, and I finally listened to the message on the Sunday and what do you know, it was a lady from the program calling to talk to me. I left her a voicemail back on the Monday, or it might have been Tuesday…either way, I left her a voicemail and we eventually connected this past Friday (May 20th)
She is part of the intake process or something for the program and she was calling to tell me some deets I need to know and ask a hella lot of questions about me, my eating, medical stuff, behaviours I engage in, it was the most personal conversation I have had in a loooong time, and it was with a stranger over the phone! Weird!
I have to attend a session May 30th as part of the intake process, it is a mandatory thing, they are held once a month and I have three months to make it in to one, if I don’t make it in to one within the three months I am taken off the list and I have to get a new referral. I work Mondays and am not off early enough to get there in time so I have to miss an hour of work which sucks but I guess I should look at it as a small sacrifice for a larger good…I’ll wait to make that determination until after I go to the session lol
I’m not sure what to expect at this thing, if it is just me, or a lot of people, I think it will be a lot of people, or at least not just me, since they only hold them once a month, they probably round up everybody who is on their waiting list and see them at one time. I don’t really know the purpose of this meeting either, maybe it is to take a look at the people on the list and see who needs to be prioritized. I have this huge fear they will take one look at me and say I am not sick enough, don’t have a big enough problem, am not thin enough, for them to want to help me. Part of me wants to blow it off because if that is what I am going to face then why bother losing an hour of work just to be told they can’t help me, but in my slightly more rational moments I remind myself I don’t know that is what they are going to say, I don’t even know what this session is meant to accomplish, so stop jumping to conclusions and just go already.
I’m kind of panicking about it…which is weird. And oddly focused on what kind of impression I will make when I get there. I will be going right from work but I’ll change clothes before I go and I’m already going over and over what I will wear, what attitude I will have, will I keep my work attitude which makes me seem happy go lucky nice and funny, will I be more myself which is still funny, the consummate entertainer who makes everyone laugh and seems outgoing or will I be me, quiet and observing everything while silently assessing all I see and withdrawn from people. Those are all me, just at different points in the day and I don’t know which one I will default with. Usually with doctors an stuff I try to be nice and friendly and chatty because it makes them like you more and if they like you they are more willing to help you but these are people who might be asking me more probing questions and I’m not happy about that, just the thought of it puts my back up, but I’m going to them for help and maybe if I seem to difficult to chat with they will decide to not help me.
I’m kinda going around in circles here, and will probably have to wait and see how I feel on the day. I think it is just the unknown about what is going to happen that has me freaking out a bit.
On top of that I am now restricting like craaaaaazy because I don’t want to seem too fat when I see them. How messed up is that? So now I’m not just restricting like I normally do but I am even more strict than normal because if they ask what I eat, or how much, or how often, I don’t want to seem like a glutton and tell them I ate two meals that day *rolls eyes* I think there is something messed up there…but I can’t quite figure out what, because it seems like a normal thought to me but I’m pretty sure other people don’t think like that…
All this crap going through my head and I can’t tell anybody because nobody in my real life knows I struggle at all, let alone have asked for help. So every time someone asks me what is new I think about this upcoming meeting but can’t say anything cause they will have no idea what I am talking about, which makes it seem like an even bigger deal than it probably is, which makes me focus on it more and freak out about it more.
In reality it is probably just some info session or something, so they have more deets on those on the waiting list and then we are told they’ll contact us when we have moved up the list. Probably all the things I am dreading aren’t actually going to happen, and probably me getting any help is a long way off so I should just chill…but this is me and I can’t so instead I am cutting out more foods from my safe list and increasing my exercise and trying not to think too much even though my brain is running 100 miles a minute. Is this what crazy feels like?