Ok so yesterday I was all “I don’t know how I feel” and “I know I should feel worse about eating but I don’t” blah blah blah…wellllll…turns out the feeling worse about myself for eating was laying low, waiting to pounce on me today, sigh.
Yesterday I followed as close as I could to the new eating plan, I wasn’t perfect but I did the best I could, and as a result ate way more food in a day than normal for me, but less than what is normal for other people. I’m trying to up my protein so what I ate was healthy, and filling, and oh boy did I feel it sitting in my stomach. I wasn’t able to eat dinner cause of eating during the day but I figured I’d work up to it since normally I only eat one meal a day and yesterday I ate two. Two!
I was surprised I didn’t feel worse about myself for eating, I wasn’t sitting here insulting myself or telling myself how fat I am and it is my fault because of eating so much food today, basically I didn’t have all the negative thoughts and feelings about myself that I have when I eat. I think I didn’t have all those negative thoughts because I was following a program so I kind of sort of had permission to eat, in a way…
Today that came back to bite me in the ass.
I slept in, which I tend to do on Tuesdays, woke up with a headache and feeling not great. I had my first meal of the day around 4pm – 4:30pm and it was two slices of turkey bacon, two over easy eggs (well, more like one and a half because the first egg I cooked got so stuck to the pan I could only save half of it lol) and an apple.
My plan was to eat a small snack before practice then a protein shake after practice but after I ate my eggs and turkey bacon aaaaand apple I couldn’t bare the thought of more food. Just..no.
According to my Lose It! app I had eaten 310 calories and I knew adding a snack and a protein drink would put me hundreds and hundreds of calories higher (mostly from the protein drink, not the snack cause my snacks are tiny) and I just…couldn’t.
Problem was that I knew that if I went to practice I would be ravenous afterwards and that would make it harder to not eat something and I was worried if I went to practice, then didn’t eat, I might end up binging because of getting so hungry I lose control soooooo I skipped practice aaaaaaaand didn’t eat.
I feel good about my choice for not having a second meal. Though I did cave around 12:45am and I ate some plain Greek yoghurt with half a banana sliced on top, which put me at a whopping 425 calories for the day. 😦
Now I am back to feeling like a loser for eating so much today and not exercising. I am also back to staring at myself in the mirror and criticizing myself because it is my fault I look like this and I am not doing enough to fix it. Guess I’m not going to be buffered from all this self-loathing that pops up when I eat because of following an eating plan…which is too bad but probably for the best cause imagine how much food I might eat if I didn’t get reigned in from eating by feeling all this guilt…