I Don’t Know

I’m not sure how I feel about myself today…is that weird?

I started a new eating plan today, I am once again attempting to be “healthy” by society’s standards so I have cut out all carbs except for what is naturally occurring in vegetables and fruit, and theoretically I will be eating high protein and high healthy fat.

I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around there being such a thing as “healthy fat” so instead of trying to reconcile with that I am focusing on the protein. I know I don’t get enough protein but if I am going to stay competitive on my sports team I neeeeeed to get some more in to me, like, daily, not just once every couple weeks. sigh.

I ended up eating a ridiculous amount of food today, I feel overly full, and have a pain in my stomach area, and am not happy at all.

But again, trying not to focus on that and just remember there is a reason I am doing this to myself…I want to race…I am good at racing…but if I can’t keep up my strength I’m screwed and protein is supposed to help with that. But oh my gawd it makes me feel so full and not in a I-had-a-binge-so-at-least-there-was-some-enjoyment-from-getting-to-feel-this-full kind of way but just in a omg-kill-me-now-I-ate-too-much-food-today-and-I-feel-disgusting-and-fat-and-ashamed-and-ugh.

I know that what I ate is considered uber healthy by other people’s standards, but their standards are not my standards and to me I feel like I failed. Any day I eat more than 750 calories feels like I failed.

Despite feeling like I failed, and despite feeling overly full and kinda in pain, I’m not actually as upset as I should be. I thiiiink that is because I researched the shit out of my new eating plan, I have pages and pages of info written up detailing what I will be eating daily so I don’t have to think about it, I can just follow the rules I outlined for myself. I’m hoping that as long as I follow the rules I can get past the freaking out part and handle the eating, and the sensation of having food in me almost all the time but not in a binge quantity level.

Does that even make sense? It does to me but as we all know I don’t necessarily think like other people lol 😛

I am having trouble coping with the knowledge that tomorrow I have to eat all over again. Normally if I ate today I wouldn’t eat tomorrow, or I’d eat very little, but this plan has rules for every day of the week and if I’m gonna follow them one day then I have to follow them every day, otherwise what is the point of torturing myself on some of the days?

The upside to all this is that I also started a new fitness regime so I am working out more, yay! Anything to help burn off some of these calories!

I am still doing my normal exercises but I have added this additional training program, it is one that is designed so you can do it in your house even if you don’t have gym equipment. Normally I don’t like programs like that but this one has good moves (I think anyways), modifications to make it harder, different workouts as the weeks progress, and since I can do them at home I have absolutely no excuse to not work out. Some days I hermit and don’t work out because I can’t face the gym or the hiking trails or anything. But now, even on my hermit days I can do these moves.

I’m really hoping the addition of the extra workouts and the protein will kick in super fast so I see at least some results soon. I know that is stupid, results don’t happen overnight, but if I don’t notice something quickly I am worried I’ll drop this program before I have a chance to see it work and then I’ll be back to square one, fat, desperately trying to get thin, but no idea how to get there…

little by little

MUST REMEMBER THIS!

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