I Don’t Know

I’m not sure how I feel about myself today…is that weird?

I started a new eating plan today, I am once again attempting to be “healthy” by society’s standards so I have cut out all carbs except for what is naturally occurring in vegetables and fruit, and theoretically I will be eating high protein and high healthy fat.

I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around there being such a thing as “healthy fat” so instead of trying to reconcile with that I am focusing on the protein. I know I don’t get enough protein but if I am going to stay competitive on my sports team I neeeeeed to get some more in to me, like, daily, not just once every couple weeks. sigh.

I ended up eating a ridiculous amount of food today, I feel overly full, and have a pain in my stomach area, and am not happy at all.

But again, trying not to focus on that and just remember there is a reason I am doing this to myself…I want to race…I am good at racing…but if I can’t keep up my strength I’m screwed and protein is supposed to help with that. But oh my gawd it makes me feel so full and not in a I-had-a-binge-so-at-least-there-was-some-enjoyment-from-getting-to-feel-this-full kind of way but just in a omg-kill-me-now-I-ate-too-much-food-today-and-I-feel-disgusting-and-fat-and-ashamed-and-ugh.

I know that what I ate is considered uber healthy by other people’s standards, but their standards are not my standards and to me I feel like I failed. Any day I eat more than 750 calories feels like I failed.

Despite feeling like I failed, and despite feeling overly full and kinda in pain, I’m not actually as upset as I should be. I thiiiink that is because I researched the shit out of my new eating plan, I have pages and pages of info written up detailing what I will be eating daily so I don’t have to think about it, I can just follow the rules I outlined for myself. I’m hoping that as long as I follow the rules I can get past the freaking out part and handle the eating, and the sensation of having food in me almost all the time but not in a binge quantity level.

Does that even make sense? It does to me but as we all know I don’t necessarily think like other people lol 😛

I am having trouble coping with the knowledge that tomorrow I have to eat all over again. Normally if I ate today I wouldn’t eat tomorrow, or I’d eat very little, but this plan has rules for every day of the week and if I’m gonna follow them one day then I have to follow them every day, otherwise what is the point of torturing myself on some of the days?

The upside to all this is that I also started a new fitness regime so I am working out more, yay! Anything to help burn off some of these calories!

I am still doing my normal exercises but I have added this additional training program, it is one that is designed so you can do it in your house even if you don’t have gym equipment. Normally I don’t like programs like that but this one has good moves (I think anyways), modifications to make it harder, different workouts as the weeks progress, and since I can do them at home I have absolutely no excuse to not work out. Some days I hermit and don’t work out because I can’t face the gym or the hiking trails or anything. But now, even on my hermit days I can do these moves.

I’m really hoping the addition of the extra workouts and the protein will kick in super fast so I see at least some results soon. I know that is stupid, results don’t happen overnight, but if I don’t notice something quickly I am worried I’ll drop this program before I have a chance to see it work and then I’ll be back to square one, fat, desperately trying to get thin, but no idea how to get there…

little by little



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