Lately I feel like all I do is make bad food choices. Ugh.
Yesterdays oh so awesome bad food choice? Well, there were a lot of them but the worst one was when I ate 4 freakin huuuuge cinnamon buns drenched in icing. That was around 10:30 pm. What a way to end the day!
The other bad food choices I made yesterday include food from Tim Horton’s and food from Subway.
To make things even worse I only got 2 hours of exercise yesterday.
So basically I ingested a million calories and burned practically none.
No wonder I’m so fat. sigh.
Yesterday is just a sampling of what kind of boneheaded decisions I’ve been making. There have been others. They have been just as bad. Possibly worse…depending how you rate these things.
I keep telling myself I will do better and then I get this overwhelming urge to binge and instead of figuring out how to resist that urge I cave.
I start to hate myself right from the moment I know I won’t be able to resist the urge to binge. The self-hatred intensifies while I get the food ready, sky rockets while I am eating and as soon as the last bite is swallowed the hate and the guilt settle in to my stomach, with all that food, leaving me full not only with all the food I just ate but with all sorts of negative feelings and thoughts about myself.
I would cry if I was a crier. I would purge if I was a purger. I would cut if I was a cutter.
I would do anything possible to release how I feel from my body during and after a binge but I don’t know how to escape, how to step out of myself and no longer have to feel like that. So instead I wallow in it, I sit and I watch tv or a movie or YouTube and I get overwhelmed by the physical discomfort of all that food in me. I get overwhelmed by all the emotions swirling around inside of me.
Why can’t we purge emotions? How great would that be!
Then eventually I go to sleep with the hope I won’t repeat what I just went through again. I sleep to escape everything I just did and to avoid having to feel all that food in my stomach. As I drift off to sleep I tell myself tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I won’t binge, tomorrow I will go to the gym, or for a run, or to a fitness class, anything that will get me active so I can burn all those calories I just ate.
Even though thinking of the exercise I will do tomorrow comforts me a part of me knows it probably won’t happen, and that I will most likely binge again, if not tomorrow than the day after. Knowing that makes me want to never wake up. Makes me want to be a different person. Makes me wonder how the hell “normal” people don’t get so messed up with food. All that wondering has me despairing of ever getting out of this cycle.