An Old Dream

A lot of times my dreams are like movies, they have characters, stories, they usually follow a timeline, and they are interesting.

I don’t study dreams but I would imagine such vivid dreams as the ones I have must mean something. Perhaps they are my subconscious trying to tell me something. Perhaps they are projections from my “real self” desperately trying to make itself heard. Perhaps they are things that are happening to me in an alternate reality or things that have happened or will happen in past or future lives.

Who knows?

Definitely not me, shrug.

Sometimes I think they are showing me things that might happen in my future, if I make the right choices. I don’t really like that theory because I don’t know what the correct choices would be and if it is a reality I want to come true well, it’s not like the dream laid out a path for how to get there. I guess I just have to hope when the choice appears before me I recognize it and make the right one.

I bought a new laptop during the sales after Christmas and have been meaning to get an external hard drive to back up my old laptop but I haven’t been able to afford to buy one. Well, I had to find a document that I knew was on the old laptop so I fired that baby up a couple days ago and started looking for what I needed. I found the document I needed but I also found some old Word documents, three to be exact, two are recounting dreams I had and one is a poem I wrote. I read them because I was curious and now I can’t get the one dream out of my head. It is like when you read a book and you get drawn in and you want to read more but the sequel hasn’t been written yet so all you can do is keep thinking about the first book and you slowly start to obsess about it.

I’ve even tried re-dreaming it, or at least having a dream that is somehow connected to it. Every night I go to bed purposefully thinking of that dream, of what happened in it, hoping it will spark something in my subconscious but so far nothing.

Maybe it was an option for my life path and I didn’t make the right choice so now it is no longer an option and that is why I can’t dream it. Maybe I screwed up and that reality can no longer be.

How depressing is that! Ugh.

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This is the dream…sorry it’s so long…

July 7, 2014

I had a dream a couple nights ago that is still with me.  The guy in the dream has been in a previous dream,  I don’t know him in my waking life, only in my dream. I don’t have a clear memory of what he looks like, I just know he doesn’t look like the guys I have dated. He is attractive, I think he is Native American, he is not my normal type of guy. I can’t be more specific than that because the dream is fading. I know that he is nice, he loves me, he has a lot of money, he wants to make me happy. I also know I don’t trust him. Not because he has done anything that would make me distrust him but because I don’t trust that it will last. I long to be with him, I want to share my life with him, I want to be secure in his arms and trust him and know I am safe, I love him. But I don’t trust, I don’t believe, I don’t have the faith that it can work between us. I don’t believe that I am worth all he wants to give, I am not a good enough person to be worthy of his love, his attention, his security, his strength, his presence in my life. How can I be, when I am such a horrible person.

None of this is vocalized in the dream, it is just how I feel, and in the dream I know my feelings as surely as if I were awake, perhaps I know them even more clearly than when I am awake because I am not fighting them.

In the dream we are looking at an expensive downtown condo. We are both dressed really well, with the knowledge that comes in dreams I know he is rich, he doesn’t flaunt it but neither does he live below his means. He works hard for his money, he has definitely earned it. I have money of my own but not on his scale. I am dressed nice, have nice things, I’m not sure if I have paid for them or he did or a combination, I’m not sure if I knew that in the dream either, maybe that knowledge was never there. I think if he had paid for my clothes etc I would have known/felt that, there would have been a level of indebtedness towards him that wasn’t there. The condo we are looking at is a model, each unit is custom made and it is a brand new development, it is somewhere everyone wants to live, only the very rich can get a unit in this building. I think we are looking because he is interested for himself and I don’t understand why he wants it when he already has a huge place. The condo, while amazing is smaller than the mansion he lives in so to me it makes no sense. I enjoy looking at places though so I don’t mind going with him while he looks at it. While walking through the unit and looking at everything I imagine what it might be like to live somewhere like that, my place is nowhere near that nice. I feel like he will have to move on to someone more sophisticated then I am soon, someone with more money, someone more on his level because I don’t quite fit in this world, because I can’t afford this world. He is doing the talking to the realtor, I am just enjoying looking. He comes over and asks what I think. I tell him the truth, that I love the place and it is great but I don’t understand why he is looking at it when he already has a great place. I ask if he is selling his current place, he says no. I ask if he doesn’t like where he lives now, he says no. I ask why he is buying this place then, or at least thinking about buying it, and he just smiles. He asks me again if I like it, I tell him again that I do. I point out some features of the unit I think are top notch, silly stupid things really, but things I noticed. He says ok, that is that, he is buying it. I realize he is buying it because I said how great it was and I feel horrible, guilty, spoiled. I opened my mouth and he spent money. This is part of why I know he will leave me soon, he is always buying stuff and I’m sure he’ll eventually get sick of buying stuff because I say I like it.

As he is headed to an office to discuss paperwork with the realtor he looks at me with love in his eyes, runs his hand down my arm in a casual but intimate touch, leans in to give me a light kiss and says he is buying it for me. Not for him. For me. He just bought me a condo. Without asking I know he is going to put the deed in my name, it will for real be mine, he will pay for it outright but it will be mine. He bought me a condo as casually as some people buy another person coffee. I am stunned. I don’t know how to react, what to think, I just stare at him in shock which he finds cute. My open mouthed gasp makes him smile, not in mean way, in a sweet way, then he walks over to take care of the paperwork.

I’m not sure if he bought it because the place I live in is so unpleasant but that is the definite feel I have about it. I know without asking that the place comes with no conditions, if we break up I won’t have to pay him for it, or move out, or give it back to him. I will get a set of keys and no one else, unless I choose to give someone keys. This is an actual no strings attached gift and I don’t know what to do.

This is where I realize I don’t trust. I think for certain something will fall through with the paperwork and he won’t buy it in the end. I think of all the ways this won’t happen, and don’t experience any joy at the idea that it might happen. I have forgotten how to expect or anticipate positive things and I seem to immediately brace myself for disappointment.

That is why he smiled so gently at me when I was in shock, he knows this will work out, he knows I will get the condo, and he feels a deep down joy that he can do this for me, that he can make a hugely positive experience occur not around me but to me. He loves me in a non-selfish way and he wants to make me happy and I never ask for anything but he knows this is something I would want if I ever let myself want.

I never once in the dream think he is doing this to trap me, or control me, or force me in to a deeper level of relationship than I am ready for, I know he does it out of love but knowing that and trusting that knowledge are two different things and I just can’t trust. That ability has been broken in me.  He accepts that I am broken in that way, and doesn’t expect to change me, instead he chooses to show me there can be a different way by giving me proof, giving me experiences to look back on and use to remind myself sometimes good things can happen.

Does love like that even exist? I don’t think it does.

The dream ends before he signs the paperwork, in fact it ends as he is going to take care of the paperwork. I remember feeling like I wish I was a person who when given the news they were the recipient of an amazing gift like this would run and hug the gift giver, or cry happy tears, or jump up and down, have some sort of obviously happy display, not just stand there as I did and feel immediate terror that things were about to go very very bad because I dared hope for a second the good I was being told was going to happen would happen. I so badly wanted to love as he loved, openly, selflessly, with no worry of being hurt but I didn’t know how. I wanted to be someone whose reaction would have been freer, spontaneous, openly affectionate, but that wasn’t how I was in the dream, I was a bit more reserved, more cautious about accepting good things, almost like an animal that has been beat one too many times and always expect the slap and not the hug.

I don’t know why I have dreamed of this guy twice, maybe he is real, maybe he is out there dreaming of me, maybe we are both trying to find each other but don’t know where to look. Maybe my brain is loopy and settled on a repeat character because it is lazy. All I know is when I woke up I wanted to meet him, not because of the money, or the present, but because he loved me, he knew all about me and loved me regardless, he thought I was a worthy individual, he wanted to protect me, and care for me, without making me less of an individual in the process.

Someone loved me. All he wanted was to be with me, make me happy, have a life with me. I woke up sad, missing him, even though he’s only in my dreams, I so badly wanted to meet him but of course I haven’t. I saw in his eyes how he saw me when he looked at me and to him I was beautiful, I was meant to be cherished, I was important, not just important, I was the most important person to him.

I guess I’m a bit more lonely than I thought.

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romantic

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