Whyyyyy?

I thought I was doing pretty good lately with not binge eating. I bought an adorable little notebook (I love stationary stuff lol) and have been using it to track what I eat and what exercise I do.

Each day has its own page, I put the day and date on the top then list everything I eat by location and time of day. So for instance, today one of my entries says:

Home 9:15pm

Then what I ate is listed underneath.

I only list things that have calories so no drinks since I only drink zero calorie liquids, but if I did have say, a fruit smoothie or something I’d put that in.

After I know I am done eating for the day I have a section for “Activity”, “Good” and “Bad”, which are basically exactly what they sound like.

Under “Activity” I write what exercise I did, so say, 1 hour hike. If I go to the gym I break it down in to how much cardio, how much weights, how much stretching (by how much I mean length of time).

I am trying to be kind to myself so I created a “Good” section where I write what I did during the day that was good, so say, my work out, or skipping a snack, stuff like that. It has to be a specific thing not some vague comment.

The “Bad”section is obvious, I write what I did that was a bad choice. It could be not working out or a bad food choice I made, things like that.

I am trying to not track calories in or out because once I assign numbers to my food and exercise I tend to become a tad obsessed about them. Once I track how many calories I am eating I can’t let myself go over 750 or so a day even though I know so called experts say I should be eating more than that, so I thought maybe I should just not put numbers down.

So like I already said, I thought I was doing pretty good in not binge eating. But then something happened, something stupid, and I made a small mistake, that led to a bigger mistake the next day and an even bigger mistake the day after. sigh.

I am really good at baking, if I do bake I take it somewhere, so to work or a party or something, I never bake for myself and I don’t eat my own baking. I baked some banana chocolate chip bread on Friday with the intent of taking it to work. Well, I got called in to work hours early because of another employee having to go home sick. I didn’t have the time needed to let the loafs properly cool and I had to turn them out of their pans earlier than I should have, this caused one of the loafs to break off at one end, about 1/4 of the loaf was lost. I put it in a tupperware container and left it at home, taking one and 3/4 loafs of banana bread to work. Bonus was the bread was still warm when it got to work, bad thing is that I had banana bread at home.

When I got home from work I warmed up the banana chocolate chip bread that was broken off from the rest of the loaf, topped it with vanilla ice cream and went to town. When I was at work I knew I was going to do this. I knew I shouldn’t. But I knew I would. It wasn’t an uncontrollable not thinking binge it was a meticulous, pre-thought out binge.

Who does that?

It gets worse. The next day there was some left over banana chocolate chip bread at work and since I took the baking in I had to take the leftovers home, there was even more left over than I had the previous night. So what did I do? Yup, took it home, warmed it up, topped it not only with ice cream but also melted nutella and ate it all…ALL! It was a massive bowl of indulgence.

Then, because that wasn’t bad enough, the next day at work I was given a doughnut and ate it, was given a slice of lime coconut pie and ate it aaaaaand when I was home ate an entire bag of kettle corn. And entire bag!

I felt so sick when I went to bed, ugh. I actually woke up with abdominal pain that kept me from going to work the day after.

So it would appear writing down all my food and exercise didn’t help me not binge after all, it just put it off a bit so I did it three days in a row instead of a bit more spread out.

Not good.

They were worse binges than normal, in my opinion, because instead of them being emotion driven or hunger driven they were, well, not driven. I don’t know why I indulged in those three binges. The kettle corn, man, I wasn’t even hungry or anything, I think that was pure boredom and my inability to eat a normal portion size. I mean heaven forbid I decide to eat kettle corn and I just pour some in to a bowl rather than open and eat the entire freakin bag. *rolls eyes*

Now I am super mad at myself, mad that I made such poor choices for three days running. Mad that I finally started seeing some changes in my body (my thighs are a little thinner I think) and I just blew all that by ingesting god knows how many calories in a short amount of time. Mad that even though I’ve been trying to not count calories I still in my head kind of estimate them and use those estimations to dictate my food choices.

Basically I am just mad at myself.

eating

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