So I decided I hate making choices based on fear, whether I can figure out where the fear is coming from or what exactly it is about is a moot point. I had not been taking the step of going to a doctor and asking for a referral to an ED program because I was scared and that is something I realized I didn’t like about myself.
Usually I don’t let fear stop me, it might make me pause a moment but then I jump right in. I prefer overcoming things that scare me rather than back away.
Asking for help though…that is a whooooole different ball game.
Part of me feels that asking for help is being weak, is giving up, is being a wimp so asking for help was a bad bad thing. But part of me was thinking that I can’t control this anymore and I obviously haven’t been able to get it under control on my own so maybe I need some help and maybe getting help isn’t a bad thing…maybe.
Today…I went to the doctor and asked for a referral.
Even though all I was doing was sitting in a doc’s office asking for something I swear it seemed like the hardest thing I had done in a looooong time.
First off, this doctor knows nothing about eating disorders, as in…nothing! She gave me the option of being (1) anorexic or (2) bulimic…no binge eating disorder, no OSFED…and I don’t fully fit either of the two options she gave me so talk about awkward conversation, sigh. Then she seemed put out she had to go get the referral form and heaven forbid she had to fill out paperwork *rolls eyes*. She said I am a beautiful girl and I probably only have a mild version and I should “get over it”…I didn’t really know what to say to that so I shrugged. I felt like I reverted to being a child again, ugh.
Good thing I had done research before I went. I told her where I wanted a referral for, even though there are two places I found that both seem equally fine, I thought it would simplify things to just say one place. If I hadn’t told her where I wanted the referral to I don’t think she would have known where to send me for help. What do people who go in and just simply ask for help do when the doc doesn’t know where to send them?
Asking for a referral to an ED program via a doctor who knows nothing about ED’s seems like a flaw in the system to me…but what do I know?
I felt like she railroaded me during our conversation and because of that I didn’t feel comfortable telling her the truth about some stuff. Like, she wanted to know how long I thought I’d had an ED for and because I’ve been ruminating on this topic for a while now I realized I’ve had fucked up eating since I was about 18 or 19 so a looooooong time. Most of that time I was restricting without really realizing it all that much, I mean, I had my rules about what I could eat and when and how much etc but I followed them and exercised a lot and was skinny and had a busy life and well, it all seemed to work. But then I got older and started binge eating and that is where my real problem is, because I can’t control the binge eating and I can’t exercise enough to not gain weight from the binge eating and the restricting I do daily as part of my regular eating habits also can’t combat the extra calories I take in from binge eating so to me, my problem only really got unmanageable recently, with the binge eating. But I couldn’t explain all that to this doctor so I just told her in the past year or so I started binge eating and left it at that.
I lied about a couple other things but I figure if I actually get in to a program I can tell them the truth, or at least something closer to it lol
Then she checked my blood pressure and heart rate when I was sitting, standing and lying down, she also weighed me (which was depressing, sigh), took my temp, flashed a light in my eyes and glanced in my mouth.
She seemed pretty uninterested in all the exam stuff and kept saying she had to do it for the form but the info is really needed for the underweight people who have physical problems, not me…which gotta say, made me feel like a failure for not having a worse physical state…which is pretty messed up if you think about it…
Then I got sent for blood work, I had to pee in a cup and I had an EKG. The lab lady was way nicer than the doc. She asked why I was being sent for the EKG and I didn’t want to say so I told her the doc was just sending me for a bunch of tests and she turned that in to I was having a yearly physical so I let her keep thinking that. I wish I knew the results of the EKG, I’m kinda curious, I’m also curious about the blood work results…I know my iron is low because Red Cross won’t let me donate blood anymore but I don’t know if anything else has been affected by my weird eating habits. I don’t think they will be but I’m still curious.
So now I wait I guess. The lab results will go back to the doctor, if I understand correctly, and they and the referral form will be forwarded to the program intake person and I guess I’ll be put on a waiting list. I don’t know how long the wait will be, or what to expect from this point out and I’m not sure how I feel about that…I was terrified when I went in, then depressed by how I was being treated and talked to, then when I left I felt sorta like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean obviously I am no better now than I was yesterday but I guess since I asked for help and got the wheels in motion and there is nothing I can do from this point on I just have to let it go.