Stepping Back

For the past couple weeks I have been emailing with someone at an eating disorder treatment place about how to go about getting help. For the program she works at I need a referral from a doctor which has stopped me from taking any steps towards getting help. I also realized the other day I didn’t ask how much the program costs and I can’t find that info on the website and I stopped emailing her the other week and don’t want to bother her again so now I’ll never know how much that particular program costs. So I googled and found some other programs, some private ones and some not government controlled like “government controlled” but run by hospitals and outreach programs an the like. The main difference I can find by the blurbs they write on their sites is that the private ones cost a fuck-tonne of money and the hospital and outreach ones are free.

Free is my only option so I looked a bit more in to those and what do you know, they all require a doctor’s referral.

Which means I am back to being stalled in trying to get help because of my whole not wanting to go to a doctor thing.

I keep telling myself I will go to a walk-in clinic and talk to a doctor and ask for a referral but so far it hasn’t happened.

I swore to myself yesterday that I was going today, Wednesdays being the best day for me to get random errands and personal shit done, but did it happen? Nope. And seriously, it would have been the best day for it, sunny and nice out, would have been a decent drive to the doc and I could have parked a bit aways from the office and had a lovely walk to the clinic buuuuut nope. Didn’t even leave the apartment.

So now I am contemplating going tomorrow, which will not fit in to my schedule nearly as well, but maybe that is what I need, a small amount of time in my daily schedule where I can fit the trip in so when it is that time I don’t debate it I just go. Except I know me and I will still debate it and the “don’t go” side will always win that debate. Always.

I don’t know if I don’t go because I am a chicken who hates doctors, if I am a chicken who is scared to ask for help, if I don’t really need help so I’m stopping myself from wasting mine and the doctor’s time, if I don’t deserve help so why bother, if it is fear of the unknown preventing me from going, if it is fear of having some sort of “crazy person” file that can be found if someone searches, if I am scared the doctor will laugh in my face, or something else…

I look in the mirror and I see how fat I am, I see how much damage this binge eating has done to me, I hate how I feel in my own skin, I hate how I look, I am disgusted with myself every time I eat and I hate that I almost daily eat to the point of physical pain in my stomach and can’t stop myself. But despite all that I still can’t seem to get to a freakin doctor to ask for help.

Why?

Why can’t I get there?

Is it because I am too lazy to want to go? Is it fear? Is it one of the reason I listed above?

I don’t know. But I know that I can’t keep binge eating like this. I know it isn’t killing me literally, I don’t see how stuffing my face can be anything but ok since at least now my body is getting nutrients and stuff, but I am fat, fatter than I have ever been in my life, and miserable, and I can’t stop. Why can’t I stop? I just want to stop but it is like I don’t have control over myself when the eating starts.

I keep stepping back from going to a walk-in and talking to a doctor when really I need to step forward. I need to take that first step in what I am sure will be an uncomfortable journey towards getting some control back in my life and losing this weight but I don’t know how to push myself in to taking that first step.

fat 2

control

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