I feel like all I do lately is eat, and not normal people eat but binge eat. What does that look like? Well, in my world that looks like a hella lot of food, eaten in a short amount of time, daily, for weeks.
It doesn’t feel good, not even in the moment, so why do I do it?
I spend all my time not eating thinking about what I am going to eat and when I am getting food ready I’m not even pretending I am not going to eat a lot. While something is cooking I am standing in my kitchen eating peanut butter out of the container while I make some toast and pour some cereal in to a bowl and go digging for some cookies.
In case you’re wondering that isn’t a made up example, that was me this evening when I got home. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not stop and buy doughnuts or McDonald’s or Burger King or cake or pie or ice cream on my way home but none of that mattered because when I got home I heated up a double portion of leftover stew, ate a cookie, then ate a bunch of peanut butter right from the jar while the stew cooked, then had two bowls of Froot Loops and some toast, then ate the stew I warmed up then had I don’t even know how many cookies…It would have been eaten even faster than it was if it hadn’t taken so long for the stew to heat up…
I now feel sick to my stomach, mad at myself, disgusted with how I look and how I let myself eat all that food and how gross I feel, and I feel sad, and pissed off that other people seem to not have problems like this…why can other people eat whatever they want and be fine but if I eat I go on benders like this that don’t bring me anything but down?
I’ve hit some kind of new low and I don’t know how to get out of this eating rut I am in. Usually I fluctuate between not eating, well ok to be specific I eat but small amounts of food (between 700 to 780 calories max a day) and binge eating but this…this is just binge eating, days and days and weeks and weeks of binge eating. WTF??
I don’t like it but I can’t seem to stop it.
Although, yesterday I managed to not binge. It was like a freakin miracle had occurred. I was at a training session for work all day and wasn’t sure what the food sitch would be like so I took 4 drinks (I like to hydrate, it helps me feel full), plus some grapes and a hummus and crackers snack thingy. Turns out they fed us so I had some fruit mid morning that they provided, that was 3 half slices of melon and one slice of an orange. Then lunch was asparagus soup and a medley of sandwiches. I am ashamed to say I ate an entire sandwich and half a bowl of soup. Then there were dessert type items for afternoon snacks. I shouldn’t have done it but I had half a piece of chocolate cake. Other people there were taking 2, 3 even 4 desserts and not seeming to have any guilt about their portions but there I was with my half piece feeling intense shame at having put it on my plate. Do other people not feel shame about eating?! Oh, and somewhere in there I ate my grapes…I ate them before the cake, so mid afternoon sometime. Then I did a stupid stupid thing and grabbed two chocolate chip cookies on the way out the door and when I got home I ate one portion of the stew that I binge ate tonight. Paired with the stew I had two pieces of bread with margarine on them. I wouldn’t let myself eat after that but the whole night all I kept thinking about was food, how I wanted to eat something, anything, as long as there was a lot of it. I started fantasizing about the Froot Loops and it took everything I had to not open the box and pour the biggest bowl of cereal ever seen. Seriously, so hard to not eat it. I went to bed with a growling stomach but no way could I be hungry, not real hungry, right? I mean, I had eaten food throughout the day, more than I should have, so I figure the growling stomach thing was my body being stupid, thinking it was hungry when it wasn’t, trying to trick me in to a binge fest…bodies can do that, right?
So now here I am ranting, not making any sense, rambling on about what I ate, and its like I can’t get my brain to shut the fuck off. It is moving so quickly from one thing to another but all those things are somehow related to food. Either I’m thinking about something to eat, or thinking about how I should never be allowed to eat again, or thinking about how tomorrow I have to have a double work out to make up for what I ate today, or thinking that maybe I’ll just hide in the apartment and not go out and not eat anything, and why why why can my brain not stop thinking about food and how I want it but hate it and never want it again but it tastes so good but it makes me feel so gross and omg make it freakin stop!
I hate this.