Ups and Downs

I haven’t written in a long time, partly due to not being able to see while I was recovering from eye surgery and partly because once I could see well enough to be able to do stuff online I had lost all my mojo. I didn’t want to do anything. I stopped reading, I had the tv on but didn’t really watch it, I avoided social situations like everyone had the plague, I basically turned in to even more of a hermit than I already am. sigh.

I’ve been struggling…a lot! While my mom was here to help me during post-op I ate more per day than I have in a long time because she was making and serving the food and I didn’t have much say in things. After she left I tried to keep roughly to the food schedule she had inadvertently put me on because even though I didn’t want to be eating that much some part of my brain realized she eats more normally than I do and maybe I should mimic her.

So I tried.

And I failed.

Shocker.

I managed for a little bit but I hit a bit of a down spot after she left. Turns out I had forgotten what it feels like to have a family member nearby and when she was gone I was sad. That caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

Once I was back in to my routine I got over it, so its all good now in regards to that but I dunno, something is off and I can’t figure out what.

I’m not sad anymore but I’ve hit some kind of new low point with my eating habits. I’m on day 8 of binge eating and I can’t seem to stop.

Every. Freakin. Day. I’ve been having a binge.

Sometimes on sweet stuff, sometimes on savory, whatever, doesn’t seem to matter, I just keep eating. I feel like I’ve gained twenty pounds in those 8 days. My jeans are too tight, my shirts are fitting too snug on my belly area, my cheeks are rounder.

I’ve gotten fatter.

All this eating has made me massive and I can’t seem to stop.

😦

I’ve been doing research and there is this organization that offers counselling an treatment an stuff for people with eating disorders for free. You have to be referred by a doctor. I emailed them a long time ago asking some questions and got a fast response, which was surprising. They answered my question and suggested I go see my doctor to get a referral to them. They also said if I don’t have a doctor I can go to a walk-in clinic and get a referral from there.

I have a doctor but I don’t see her often, I avoid doctors plus even when I do need to see her she’s really hard to get an appointment with so I usually go the walk-in clinic that I went to before I got my actual doctor.

Thing is…I don’t know what to say to a doctor, whether it is mine or a walk-in doc…I mean what, they come in the little room and ask what they can do for me and I’m just supposed to blurt out I need a referral to such-and-such program? That’s crazy! I can barely type the words let alone speak them to someone!

And what happens if I actually manage to ask for the referral? They aren’t just going to write that sucker up, they will probably ask questions, put me on the spot, maybe want to send me for medical tests or something and I’m so fat I don’t look like someone with an eating disorder so they won’t believe me and then I’ll be humiliated when I leave there with nothing. Aaaaand! Doesn’t that shit go in to my permanent medical record? What if I apply for a job that requires people to be stable and good at dealing with stress an shit, will they be able to find out I requested a referral and then deny me a job because of that? Some things need to stay private, ya know?

So I’m at a bit of an impasse…part of me must want to ask for the referral and try the program or I wouldn’t keep thinking about it but a bigger part of me is scared of the unknown situation I have to put myself in to ask for the referral…I’d do better if I knew what, if anything, I would be asked by the doctor but the only way I will know that is if I go ask…catch 22 anyone? *rolls eyes*

Oh and another worry of mine, if it gets written down somewhere that I have or am suspected of having an ed then does that mean any medical problem I have in the future will automatically be linked to an ed. Will doctors listen to me when I say I have the flu and can’t eat and assume I am lying and am restricting? Are they gonna want to weigh me? I can’t stand knowing I am being judged, I judge myself so much that knowing someone I am supposed to ask for help is judging me is more than I can handle.

It seems unfair that to access help I have to go through this, it’s like some weird test that I am obviously failing since I can’t even bring myself to walk near the doc’s office let alone go in and ask for help…

I don’t suppose someone reading this has had to go through something similar and could give me a heads up for what to expect at the docs? Maybe? Or is that cheating?

Fuck.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

lose weight

 

 

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