I don’t have much to say right now, but I want to be writing on here…

…it’s late and I’m tired and I hurt but the pain won’t be fixed until my surgery in February and I’m sick of hurting and I’ve gained 2.4 pounds so I’m freaking out and my mom will be here soon so I’m freaking out about that and I ate a chocolate bar yesterday so omg am I freaking out about that and I’m sad for no real reason and I want things to be different but I don’t know how to make them different and I want to not feel so alone even though I know I am one of those people who is meant to be alone the majority of the time and is usually ok with that but not tonight I’m not and I can’t find my pain meds but I could find even if blindfolded all my different laxatives and I want to take them because of gaining 2.4 pounds but even though the scale says I am bigger I think I actually look slimmer in the mirror which makes no sense and is freaking me out because obviously I can’t trust my eyes or my mirror and I’m trying desperately to not go on a restricting or binge eating cycle because they last a long time and my mom will be here in less than two weeks and I won’t be able to hide that kind of behaviour from her so I can’t let myself start it now when I’ll have to stop it earlier than it would naturally want to end but omg 2.4 pounds might as well be 20 pounds I’m so fat and my mom is gonna comment sooo many times when here about how big I am but I can’t get mad at her cause she is here to help me post-op so I’ll have to nod my head and agree and try to figure out how to tune her out and is it wrong that I am already looking forward to the meds I will have when recuperating because I know I can use them then to bliss out but also could save them and get high later and sometimes I really want a way to escape being fully aware of what is going on in my body and my life and what better way than with high dosage pain pills except I know that isn’t an answer so I can’t let myself rely on them and sometimes I think the only reason I am not a functioning alcoholic is because I can’t stand to drink my calories and I’m still managing to eat one to two actual normal people type meals a day and that is probably why I am getting fatter and I should stop but I thought eating like that was supposed to be good for me but I can’t exercise cause of the lead up to surgery at least nothing intense so I probably should stop eating to make up for the lack of exercise but my brain can’t decide which way I should go and I keep seeing the number 2.4 flash in my head and I’m sooooo tired so I think I’ll try to sleep and maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and things might be a bit better…

so hard

hiding emotions


2 thoughts on “Blathering

  1. imblessedpanda

    Hey u know what.. u r not alone! I have similar exp as urs and i’ve gained 8.8 pounds… Im so stressed out that i feel like im just gonna die for being so fat. But then it’s just so hard to stop binging even tho i know that i should stop 😥

    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      Thanks for the comment. I know what you mean about it being so hard to stop, even though I know I shouldn’t be eating I eat, and then I feel bad for eating, and then I eat to try to feel better, and next thing you know I’ve gained more weight. Vicious cycle. Stay strong! Hopefully we can figure this shit out! 🙂


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