Upcoming Surgery

I have to go for surgery in February. I have gone under the knife before so surgery in general doesn’t bother me but those other surgeries were all in emergency situations so there wasn’t a lot of building up time. But this, I have weeks and weeks to think about what is coming…I don’t like it.

And what is worse, I fear it will set me on to a binge cycle the likes of which I won’t be able to control.

Fuuuuuuuuk.

I think I’d be ok if it set me on a restrict cycle, least I’d lose some weight, but lets be real here, that isn’t how I work. sigh.

The surgery is a day surgery, it is low risk, it will be fine. But that doesn’t take away the fear it won’t work, or things will be worse.

I didn’t tell the docs I have food issues. They didn’t ask. My blood pressure has always read as low so when they took it no warning bells went off, the other tests they did didn’t involve blood work so they won’t see how low my hemoglobin levels are (I’m not allowed to donate blood anymore because of how low my numbers are, which sucks cuz every time I donated I’d lose 2-3 pounds). Basically I managed to skip my way through testing without them cluing in there might be anything going on with me.

I’m counting that as a win, obviously.

I don’t worry for my body going through surgery while I struggle with food, I mean c’mon this is me, the girl who for the past couple weeks has been eating actual meals. Meeeeeals! Sometimes twice a day! It’s crazy town over heeeeeere! But I do worry about the lead up to surgery day and what I might do to deal with the overwhelming emotions I am currently feeling in regards to surgery day.

Oh, and to top it off my mother has decided to come stay with me while I recover. The woman doesn’t know the meaning of the words “no thanks, not hungry” which means she will be in my super small apartment, cooking three meals a day, plus making snacks, and expecting me to eat them. Which, if I was any good at purging might not be so bad except that my apartment is so small no way I’d be able to purge without her hearing so I’m gonna be stuck with all that food in me…

She is staying for two weeks.

I’m screwed.

Maybe the knowledge all that food is coming my way and I won’t be able to avoid it will help me to restrict leading up to when she arrives, ya know, in preparation…huh, that might actually work…

daydreaming

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