I did better than I thought I would when I went home for Christmas. I managed on multiple days to restrict my calories to a number that didn’t scare the crap out of me and the days I did eat more calories than I am comfie with were days I knew that was going to happen and I did my best to plan ahead for that. By plan ahead I mean mentally plan ahead, there wasn’t much I could do to physically counter act the calories.
A bonus is that even though I was eating more than I was comfie with when I compared the amounts I was eating to what other people were eating I was still eating way less. I use what other people eat as a baseline for my food quantities. If I am eating way less than what other people are eating, even if I am eating more than I feel comfie with, I don’t go in to complete and utter freak-out because I know it could be lots worse.
That might not make any sense to anybody else but it does to me, shrug.
Since I’ve been back though I’ve been pretty down. Not about being back, I am glad to be back, I’m just down about, well, I’m not completely certain what…I’m just down…
I should be happy. I know I should be but I can’t force it, not when it is just me and my laptop. Tomorrow I will fake it, for the entire time I am at work no one will know anything is less than perfect but for now, I’m down.
I feel I am sinking, going down in to the depth of, well, where ever the hell it is I always seem to go when down. Right now I am envisioning it as me sinking down in to a bottomless ocean, the water is a dark blue, it is the same temperature as me so it doesn’t make me feel anything, and instead of floating I keep sinking, farther away from the light, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m leaving the light behind, the warmth of the sun, the oxygen I need to live.
I just don’t care.
I keep sinking, the farther down I go the more numb I get. I am still sad, that hasn’t gone away, but the water helps to make it harder to feel the sadness. I know it is still there, lurking, but it can’t affect me, the water keeps me safe from the sadness while also blocking any of the good things from getting through.
A very small part of me knows that I should be fighting this, that I should do anything and everything I can to stop myself from sinking any lower, and to fight to get myself back to the light but that part of me is so small and easy to ignore and well, I don’t know how. It would take so much work and it is so much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep, or watch Netflix and ignore the world…which is pretty much all I’ve been doing all day…
I think I’ll go to bed and see if anything is different in the morning.