I am not a Johnny Cash fan but I discovered this song years ago when I was in a dark place and really connected with it. I have never done intravenous drugs, I know too much about the blood brain barrier to be willing to give em a go, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have other self-destructive behaviours that leave me feeling apart from others.
Leave me feeling like I am watching those close to me move on while I stay stuck in place.
Leave me feeling like everybody would be so much happier, so much better off, if I wasn’t around, wasn’t being a weight on their shoulders.
When he sings “I will let you down. I will make you hurt.” I feel like he has put in to words how I feel about myself. Its horrible knowing you will cause those you love pain if you are honest about what goes on inside your own brain, soul, heart. I can never tell those I love, those that theoretically would be there for me, what I feel, how I think, because all it would do is cause them pain, and maybe some worry, and definitely some stress, and I’m not important enough to have people feel those things about me.
So instead I keep it to myself, or blab about it on this blog, and knowing I am shielding those I love from hurt helps keep me strong on the really hard days. The days I want to crumble, the days I want to scream out for help, the days I want to say “I can’t deal with this alone any longer”. Knowing wouldn’t make their lives any easier, and I would regret telling them as soon as I crawled out of the pit, and knowing I am keeping them safe helps me to crawl out of the pit and continue with the lies I tell them so they think I am happy, and healthy, and normal.
My strength is built on lies, not the best foundation to build on but it is what I have. When I hear songs like this one though, it helps me feel less alone, helps me feel that others go through similar things, and helps strengthen my foundation and keep those I love from knowing.