I Don’t Know

I don’t know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I was restricting, as in super restricting, and doing really well at it. Sure I was tired, and cold, and people kept saying I was looking unwell when looking at my face but on the flip side people were also commenting that I had lost weight and looked great and clothes were fitting better and I thought I could for sure do this. I could get to my goal weight. This is something I can accomplish if I stay strong and keep restricting.

Then I binged. I don’t remember the specifics about the first binge, there have been many. sigh. I’ll go through this cycle of restrict restrict restrict for days and then boom! Binge fest! All that hard work down the drain.

The first binge I was mad at myself but wasn’t super worried because one binge wasn’t going to ruin everything and all I had to do was get back on the restricting bandwagon and I’d be fine. But it was so much harder the next day to limit myself to 500 calories because the day prior I had eaten so many.

So I binged again.

I eventually figured out I had to work my way down to 500 calories again so I started at 900, then the next day I ate 800, then the next day 700, I’m sure you see the pattern.

It worked. Sorta. I was getting my calories down, lower each day, and I could see the potential for this to work again but I swear to god I was (am) getting fatter every.single.day.

Whyyyyyyy?

It seems like the more I restrict the fatter I am getting. My thighs are huge, my stomach sticks out so far I might as well be pregnant, my back fat is horrendous and no one should ever touch me because the rolls would feel so gross under their hands. My arms, my arms that were getting so nice and slim are rounder again. Everything. Everything on me is getting fatter. And if I am getting fatter than what is the point of restricting all the time? This is what my brain screams at me when I am saying no to food. Why say no when it doesn’t matter if I eat or don’t eat, the result is the same, me, fatter.

I am disgusting.

So I started trying something. I made a meal that has multiple food groups, is low calorie, and I like the taste of. Then I made multiple portions of it so every day for 3-4 days I had a healthy meal I could grab from the fridge, that I didn’t have to put any effort in to making, and I didn’t have to calculate calories for because I had already done so. The idea was to make eating easier, a no-brainer, take some stress out of the equation.

It kind of worked…until the day the meals ran out and I hadn’t made anymore yet and I panicked for what to eat that day so I ate nothing. Then the next day all I ate was two pieces of toast. Then the next day I ate what felt like a binge but when I calculated the calories it wasn’t really in the binge amount, it just felt like it was because now all it takes is eating one cookie for me to feel like I have binged and thrown away an entire day of restricting.

Do you know how hard it is to convince yourself to eat 500 calories of food a day when one cookie feels like a binge?

It’s really freakin hard.

I’ve been trying to work myself up to not calorie counting, or at least not down to the very last calorie, and eating 2-3 small meals a day, ya know, like a normal person.

I have this delusion that if I can manage that, and manage all my exercising, I will lose weight quicker than just restricting my calories. I don’t know why I think this, but I do. I worry this is actually me self-sabotaging my weight loss efforts. That I have convinced myself of this as a way to trick myself in to allowing myself to eat so that when I don’t lose weight I can blame it on this new so-called healthy eating plan. That probably doesn’t even make sense, sigh.

So here I am, lost, with no idea what to do, desperate to lose more weight but not sure how to do it.

I see all these other women who got skinny from restricting their food and I wonder why it worked for them and not me. What am I doing wrong? I think there must be a line that has to be crossed, like, sure, you can restrict but if you don’t do it for long enough, or with low enough numbers, than you will never get to the skinny stage, you’ll stay fat and miserable, and I just haven’t figured out that level I need to get to so that I drop the weight. I often wonder if it is like plateauing, I hit a plateau and I need to do something to shock my body so it starts losing weight again, but what do I do? What will shock it? My job has a certain level of physical demands that I have trouble managing if I don’t eat around 500 calories a day, when I go under that I have trouble at work, and I can’t afford to be fired so I can’t see myself cutting down to 300 calories a day, and if I can’t cut my calories further, well, then what? What is my next choice?

I’m all over the board right now. Jumping from one plan to another. One day thinking I’ll try eating the three small meals a day, the next saying I will eat 500 calories and no more, the next saying I will up the exercise levels, the next saying I will somehow find the money to hire a trainer and talk to a dietitian. I am rotating through all these ideas and never sticking to one, never really choosing one and giving it a real try. I know that restricting worked in the past, but that it has stopped working, and I’m not sure what will jump start the weight loss again, so I flounder, unsure what to do, lost and miserable, and fat.

Those three words describe so much of my life: lost, miserable, fat.

no regrets

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