Others Are Better

I have heard many times about the competition within the eating disorder world. Where Person A will tell Person B they aren’t thin enough to be a “real anorexic” or “sick enough to need help” or that they just “want attention”, stuff like that.

I haven’t experienced that from others but I do say things like that to myself all the time.

I am 100% convinced I don’t really have an eating disorder because I am still so fat. If I had a real eating disorder I would be thin, like the ladies in the thinspo YouTube videos that I watch and the images I google. I’m not sick enough to need help because I’ve never been forced in to treatment somewhere, never full on fainted from lack of food, never had a feeding tube put in me. If I really had an eating disorder I would have had at least one of those experiences, right?

I hate that I am a failure at this. I hate that I am still so fat when all I want is to be thin. I hate this body.

Like seriously, how long is this gonna take? Because it feels like I have been doing this forever and I’m still not at goal weight yet! Arg!

Sometimes I think maybe I am finally doing this thing, maybe I am finally going to succeed. I dedicate myself to restricting my calories, being active, doing everything I can think of to get thin but it doesn’t work. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I mean yeah I have days where I binge eat but I have more days where I eat 750 calories or less, shouldn’t those out weigh the binge days? Or at least help negate some of the damage I did by eating? sigh. I dunno.

I see these other girls in real life and online who are so thin, they did it, they succeeded and I wish I could sit down with them and pick their brains to find out what I am doing wrong.

In some YouTube videos people talk about how much they exercised while eating almost nothing and I know that is somewhere I drop the ball a lot. I want to exercise more but I can’t. Not only because of my schedule but because I barely have the energy to get through my normal day, add on working out and I don’t know how I’ll manage. But that is probably a cop out and I should force myself in to the gym. I mean, if I really wanted to be thin I’d find a way to work out, right?

I spend the bulk of my days off sleeping, I should be spending them working out. It is just that I get so tired by the end of my work week that when I get home I put on sweats, collapse in the living room chair and barely have the energy to do anything besides chill in the chair and sleep in my bed for the next couple days. But ya know it is probably not that I am too tired, it is probably that I am lazy, and obviously not motivated enough.

I’m gonna hafta fix this.

But how? How do I find the motivation to get my lazy butt to the gym, not only on my days off but the days I work? Some people suggest scheduling your work outs the way you schedule your work shifts or doctors appointments, so they are something you can’t miss. That doesn’t really work for me because I know I can miss the work out and no doctors office is going to call to ask where I am, no manager is going to call to say I am fired. The only consequence to my not going is my own self-loathing and that doesn’t seem to be enough to get me there.

How do you motivate yourself to go work out? Do you have any tips or tricks to get your butt out the door?

get there


2 thoughts on “Others Are Better

  1. thisismyrelapseindicator

    (sorry sent that by accident)… never do that” but if I don’t eat, some part of me also screams, “why can’t I just be normal? ” and I am also so tired so when it comes to exercise I can’t do more than 5 minutes without feeling terribly drained. It’s bloody awful. I don’t know how you are dealing with it but I am so proud of you for still waking up in the morning x

    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      I know right?! When I don’t eat I think “why can’t I just eat like other people?” but when I do eat I think “duh, no wonder you are so fat, you fail!” like, wth, is there no way to win? *rolls eyes*
      Thank you so much for commenting! It always feels good to know I’m not the only one going through stuff like this. πŸ™‚
      I just took a look at your blog, and commented lol, sounds like you’re having a rough go of it right now, feel free to vent at me if you think it’ll help! πŸ™‚


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