A Step Backwards…Or Forwards?

I am not good at purging, I just can never seem to make myself throw up, sigh. This really bothers me as it seems like an excellent way to deal with a binge session but there ya have it. So the only way I can purge, and it isn’t really purging, or all that effective, is to take laxatives.

I stopped taking them a little while ago, I didn’t want to but they weren’t working all that well anymore and I know it is bad to take them for too long. Then I started restricting so I didn’t feel the need to take them. I was barely taking in enough calories to get through the day, I didn’t need to get rid of the ones I actually ate.

Lately I keep screwing up. I keep eating! Last night I went for dinner with a friend who was visiting from out of town. I told her to pick where she wanted to eat (she used to live here and she had a couple restaurants she really missed) and she picked a fave sushi place of hers. I was so grateful! I can eat sushi, I know what my fave sushi dishes will cost me in calories and I can work with that. So there I am planning in my head what I will order, calculating my calorie intake for the meal before we are even at the restaurant and completely forgetting one vital thing…she over orders at sushi restaurants ALL the time! And I don’t mean she orders food for herself and I order food for myself and she just gets one roll too many for her to handle. I mean she orders multiple dishes with the full intention of us sharing them and will be massively offended if I don’t eat some of everything.

Fuck.

She ordered three appetizers! THREE! And my big mistake was ordering first, sigh. So there I am, ordering two rolls with the intention of saying I didn’t like the higher calorie one once I tried a piece and thereby only eating the one roll and mentally patting myself on my back when I should have been more strategic and had her order first. She ordered two rolls for herself and then the three appies and I thought I was gonna die.

The first appie was spicy sashimi tuna, the tuna is mixed up with cucumbers, carrots and the spicy sauce then put in a serving bowl. The second appie was agadashi tofu which normally I am ok with but this place served it as three separate (large) cubes of tofu, one was drenched in a mango chutney, one in a spicy dressing and one was done traditional. The third appie was chicken bites (think two bites to eat each piece), the chicken was battered and fried and then drenched in a sweet and spicy sauce.

OMFG! 😦

I ate a bunch of the cucumber from the spicy sashimi tuna bowl because I figured if she saw me putting my chopsticks in that bowl often she’d assume I was eating the fish and it would trick her.

It did not.

She was counting (roughly) how much of each dish she ate so as to not accidentally eat my half of each dish.

I love that she is so generous and thoughtful but in that moment I hated that about her. sigh.

In the end I ate tuna sashimi, chicken bites, the equivalent of 1.5 cubes of tofu (each half in a different sauce) and my rolls. Yup, ate both the freakin rolls cause when I tried my whole “hmm, it doesn’t taste right” routine she tried a piece and was all “oh no, its fine, don’t worry about it, eat! eat!” and with her watching my every move I couldn’t figure a way out of eating the food.

See why being able to throw up would be such a useful skill??

I felt disgusting. My stomach felt disgusting, overly full and gross and oh so unpleasant. I would have given anything to be able to crawl out of my own skin last night and not experience the process of digesting all that food. Something that sucks even more is when I got up this morning for work I was obviously still digesting the freakin meal.

I know people say it takes 3 hours to digest food but I digest waaaaay slower than other people, I am sure of it! I can feel the food in my stomach way longer than three hours.

So yeah, there I am this morning still digesting the food from last night, I did not start my day off feeling well. The food sat heavy in my stomach for the entire day, even now when it is after midnight my stomach is still heavy. The sensations, *shudder*, I hate it, all that food, knowing it is in me, knowing I am fatter because of eating, knowing it is taking its sweet ass time digesting, knowing that I am bloated, it sickens me.

Because of still feeling heavy and gross I chose to take laxatives this evening. I held off as long as I could, I didn’t want to go back to using them, partly because I was kinda proud that I had stopped them and partly because I am scared that taking them today will make it easier to binge another day because I have put taking laxatives back on the table in terms of options I have for dealing with a binge.

But I just couldn’t not take them, it was too much. Soooooo, I took them. The natural ones so they aren’t as bad as a bunch as the medicine type ones.

I can’t decide if this is a step backwards because I did again something I had stopped or if it is a pro-active step forward because I am taking firmer control of my weight loss and taking steps to mitigate the damage done to me by eating all that food.

At this point I am not thinking I will be saving myself calories by flushing the food out of me, I just really need this sensation in my stomach gone, I need to get rid of this food so I can start my restricting on an emptier stomach, be in an easier frame of mind, have one less distracting thing to cope with.

Thank god tomorrow is a day off and I can focus solely on exercising and restricting my calories.

I really need these pills to kick in so I can go to bed feeling slightly less disgusted with myself and hopefully wake up in a better frame of mind, all ready to work out and kick ass and get back on track with my weight loss.

ednos 2

dream

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