Confused

Lately I have been confused, confused about my body, how I look to others, how I look to myself, how my body feels…just confused! I don’t like it…

Last weekend I got asked by someone at work who I never thought ever really looked at me if I had lost weight. I said yes, I had lost 10 pounds, and he congratulated me, said he thought I looked smaller, and congrats. I thanked him, said I still had far to go but at least it was a start and I was surprised he said anything because nobody else had noticed. Then the convo went on to other things.

For the rest of that day I was all “this is working, this is great, good job me!” Not only did I know I had lost weight (scale and clothes have told me so) but others were seeing the change, which is awesome!

But while I have the reinforcement from him, and how my pants are fitting, and the number on the scale I swear to god I look like I am getting fatter.

What. The. Fuck.

My stomach is more poofy, it is disgusting. It’s not bloated, that is different, there is a feeling that comes with being bloated, there is no bloated feeling, just a disgusting, fat, stomach area that isn’t going away.

I am terrified I have gained weight.

As I wrote yesterday I have been having trouble lately with my restricting, I’m not full on binge eating but I’ll over eat on say Monday, then restrict Tuesday, then over eat Wednesday, then restrict for Thursday, Friday and Saturday, then over eat Sunday…it is some messed up cycle I can’t seem to break out of. Though, as I also wrote yesterday, I am determined to break out of it and will be re-committing to restricting asap.

The way my stomach feels, and how i look in the mirror, and just in general how I feel has me absolutely certain all that over eating has made me gain back the entire ten pounds I had lost and probably gained more on top of that, and that is such a depressing thought.

I can’t bring myself to step on the scale, I am too scared. If the number is higher then it was last time, which I am sure it will be, I don’t know what I will do, and I know it won’t be smaller than what it was last time because of those stupid over eating sessions so what is the point of stepping on it and getting so upset I cry? sigh.

My pants are still fitting looser, which I am taking as confirmation that the weight I gained back has gone directly to my midsection rather than my ass which is where I seemed to be initially losing it from.

I don’t know what to do.

I mean obviously I am going back to restricting asap but this extra fat on my midsection, I don’t know what to do about it. When I lose weight my body tends to lose it off my midsection last, which sucks, and now I have even more there! More! Arg!

Does this mean that every time I over eat the weight I gain will be immediately put on to my stomach? That sucks. Why can’t it go to my boobs or something? 😉

stop eating 2

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