I am a failure. Ugh. I was doing sooo well with the restricting and then yesterday happened, sigh.
The day started out ok. I had a meeting at 3:30pm then another meeting at 5:30p and I had to look rested, healthy, energetic, and well, all those things I’m not lol So instead of waiting to eat until I got back I ate before I went to the first meeting.
My meals are divided in my head into groups that I don’t really have names for, basically there are meals I don’t feel too much guilt over because they are small-ish (between 100-200 calories), meals I feel guilt over because they are huge (between 250-300 calories!) and emergency meals that happen when I’m gonna pass out or something similar (that’s usually 100 calories and is a yogurt cup, or a mini babybell for 60 calories).
If I am going to eat a large meal I eat it towards the end of the day when I don’t have to be seen by anyone because I feel gross afterwards but for these meetings I had to reduce the chance of headaches or of appearing tired or any negative physical appearance stuff so I opted to eat my large meal before going out.
It worked, the meetings went great! 🙂
After they were both done I had errands to run so I was doing those and disaster struck. Oh boy did it strike!
I was in Wal-Mart buying random things (shampoo, conditioner, fabric softener etc) things that are NOT food. I did want to buy some soy sauce and diet pop though so I ventured in to the food aisles, I was relatively safe because I had specific things I was getting and lets face it, the pop aisle and the aisle with soy sauce aren’t full of super tempting things lol
Well, at the end of one of those aisles was a clearance cart and there was a cake mix in there, a chocolate fudge cake mix…crap…before I knew what I was doing it was in my cart, then in went a tub of chocolate frosting. *rolls eyes* So then I’m wandering aisles not really paying attention to what I’m looking at because I am arguing with myself (silently in my head!) about having those two items in my cart.
First off I’m feeling like everyone is now looking in my cart, seeing those two things, and judging me. “Oh look at that idiot, two cases of diet pop and a cake mix? Whose she kidding?” ugh. But I’m also full of “I don’t even like box cake mixes!” and “I’m never gonna make that so get rid of it!” but having cake so close was so tempting and I basically had to battle myself out of buying it.
When I finally convinced myself I wasn’t gonna buy it I grabbed it out of my cart and was going to do that dick head move of just putting it on the nearest shelf, not actually properly away and I realized I was in the bakery section.
I can’t survive the bakery section. 😦
I bought a six pack of glazed doughnuts. A FREAKIN SIX PACK!!!
Then I also ended up picking up a small-ish chocolate fudge cake, already made, and iced, and ready for someone to dig in to.
OMG kill me now. This is why I am sooooo fat!
I got to my car, loaded everything in the vehicle, sat in the drivers seat, locked the door and ate three doughnuts. Right there, super fast, just ate them without thinking, hell, I was barely breathing at that point, just scarfing down food.
As soon as I finished the third one I was horrified. Well no, that isn’t accurate, I was horrified before that, just unable to stop.
But yeah, so I stopped after the third one and wanted to cry. 600 calories consumed in a minute, maybe two minutes, not like the length of time matters. All my restricting wasted.
I realized I could not take that cake home, it couldn’t happen! So I made sure I had no frosting on my face, took the cake back in to the store and returned it…which is the only shining moment in this whole tragic story. I made up a lie that the cake was for a party and a friend just texted me that she bought a cake also so we didn’t need two.
On the drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about food, about how I’d just screwed myself over because obviously I couldn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day because I just ate three doughnuts but weirdly enough my stomach was growling and I was feeling super hungry and I was practically panicking because what was I going to do?
I blame this on the sushi I had the day before, which sounds weird but let me explain. On Tuesdays I don’t eat until 4pm at the earliest, I have an exercise class at noon, then volunteer doing some light manual labour, then fight rush hour traffic to get home so it isn’t even me putting in some arbitrary rule, it is just how the day goes. Well, this past Tuesday I was driving home and wondering what I might eat and decided I could splurge on sushi because a huge part of the day was over so I could eat more calories in one sitting if I wanted to and not worry about later in the day…it made sense at the time ok? I didn’t order a lot of sushi but it was a large meal compared to what I have been eating so it kind of reminded me of a binge session. I actually didn’t like it because I felt bloated and gross and fat and I vowed I wouldn’t do that again but I think because of how much it reminded me of a binge session, complete with feeling super full, that my brain had switched over from “we are restricting!” to “we are binge eating!”
So yeah, despite having just eaten three doughnuts and hating myself I ended up at the McDonald’s drive through! I don’t remember the last time I had McD’s and the whole time I was driving there and then in the drive-thru I was biting my nail and second guessing what I was doing and internally freaking out.
I ordered that new Mighty Angus burger minus the bacon (I don’t eat pork) and a large fries.
I ate the burger. The whole thing! And really fast…then came the fries, oh boy. 😦
The second shining light in this debacle is that when I was eating the fries I managed to stop before I ate them all. Which I know, isn’t exactly a win since I’d eaten the burger already, and a good chunk of the fries, and three doughnuts but hear me out. I was full, I was overly full but not yet feeling sick. I stopped eating the fries when I felt full when normally I would have kept eating until they were gone and suffered the consequences of feeling super full and sick and gross…so yes I know, not a win, but I guess it could have been worse?
Moral of the story? Don’t go to stores with food in them! Second moral? I suck and now have to work extra hard to overcome all the damage I did to my weight loss due to all that crap ass food I ate! Talk about self-sabotage, sigh.
Oh, and eating that food did not decrease my headaches or up my energy or stop me from being cold so really no point to it!…which I will make sure to remember the next time I am tempted to eat!
My Dark Side 