How I Feel…

I’ve been hard core restricting for a couple weeks now, I say hard core but I know there are others out there who are way better at restricting than I am and compared to them I am eating like a pig. But for me, I’ve been doing really well. Switching in a day from binge eating to restricting has been a bit of a shock to my body and I can’t say it is coping all that well, but I am determined to see this through. I am hopeful that after another week or so my body will stop with all the negative side effects and just coast along on its small caloric intake and increased exercise regime and the pounds will drop off and I will become a happy little camper.

Everything I think about somehow relates to food, usually it is thinking directly about food, other times it is figuring out how to avoid a situation that will have food, or googling to find nutritional information about a new food, or talking about food. I find I talk about food a bit more than before but what I say is always a lie. Someone will ask me what I am doing in the evening and I will talk about the great meal I am going to cook, or I will talk about the cookies I am thinking of baking, or the sushi I am planning on buying on the way home but it is all lies. I won’t be eating or doing any of those things. I just think that talking about food will keep people from suspecting that I am not eating food.

I am moving suspicion away from the thing they should be suspicious of before they even think to start being suspicious…if that makes any sense…

I’ve been getting a lot of comments from people at work, asking if I am ok, saying I seem off or different than normal. I didn’t realize the difference was already visible and sadly the difference they are seeing isn’t a lovely new skinny body but my body, still the same in their eyes only tired and draggy and I guess I’m not as energetic seeming or charming as normal. Crap. Only two weeks in and I am visibly struggling. Not good.

I was looking online for some information, to see if some of what I am going through is normal for people who are restricting but I must not be googling the correct things because I didn’t really find the information I was looking for so I thought I would post here what I am going through (physically) so if someone else is googling maybe they will find the post and know they aren’t alone.

  • about a week in I got a headache and it hasn’t gone away – this headache may be related to an injury and just be pain radiating up from the shoulder in to the neck and then in to the head but it might be due to the restricting, I’m not really sure
  • I had 4 or 5 days where I felt physically ill, nauseous, light headed, just plain sick
  • my energy levels are waaaaay down
  • I want to sleep all the time and yet I seem unable to nap, once I am in bed though I could sleep forever
  • I had a day at work where I ate some oatmeal, it tasted amazing and seemed so soothing on my stomach but about 20 minutes after I ate it I had stomach pains and they stayed for hours, then I had gas (sorry for the tmi) and that lasted a long time also, eating caused me pain…hmm…
  • my skin is a little drier than normal
  • I started out drinking lots and lots of fluids but now I find myself struggling, I don’t really want to drink much of anything anymore and drinks I used to have all the time like tea and diet coke don’t settle as well as they used to
  • I am having trouble focusing on things, for instance, I was making a bracelet and really struggled to focus on what I was doing and not quit, same with working on a puzzle, I want to do the puzzle but the idea of opening the box and working on it is too daunting and I can’t
  • this is more of an emotional change than physical but I am more ambivalent towards things, I just don’t have the energy to care about anything beyond my calories and exercise, shrug
  • I’m not very good at controlling my body temp anymore, most of the time I am super cold but every now and then I totally over heat and it sucks

I don’t know anybody else who restricts (in real life I mean) so I don’t have anybody to ask if any of those things are normal or just my body being a wimp…do any of you know?

starve

Something else I am doing is seeing food everywhere! I swear every commercial is for food, every time I go anywhere I pass by a million places to eat. I keep watching YouTube videos of skinny people eating and being mad that they can eat like pigs and be skinny but I am so fat and can’t eat anything without gaining weight. I also think about food all the time, like, all the time! If I’m not thinking about how many calories I have already eaten for the day I am thinking of what I will be eating next and when, I’m constantly running through a list of foods in my head to decide what I can eat and what I can’t touch. I think a lot about the foods I used to binge on and every time I don’t eat them I feel stronger but at the same time I really miss those foods. But then I remember those foods made me fat and I’d rather be skinny and missing food than fat and eating everything.

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11 thoughts on “How I Feel…

  1. anonanam

    i’ve restricted off and on for five years, so i can try to offer a few solutions! (or rather, ways of dealing, if not solutions)

    -it’s pretty common to get headaches from lack of nutrition, sometimes massaging the base of my skull or my temples helps but not all the time
    -nausea is also super common – if i fast for a long time i’ll start feeling like i’m going to throw up (even though there paradoxically isn’t anything to throw up), and a lot of the time i WILL throw up if i drink anything acidic on an empty stomach (tea is the worst offender here but i’ve thrown up orange juice and coffee too)
    -energy levels tend to plummet when you’re not getting food, i tend to overcompensate with caffeine. black coffee has 2 calories per cup, perks up your energy levels, and acts as an appetite suppressant
    -sleeping can be hard because of the hunger pangs, sleeping with a heating pad on your stomach helps to alleviate the pains (similar to how a heating pad helps with period cramps)
    -eating anything dense – or light things too quickly – after you’ve been restricting will really upset your stomach, so if you’re going to eat dense meals then take it slow
    -dry skin could be due to dehydration, have you been drinking enough water?? there’s a lot of moisture in most foods so you have to compensate by drinking more water. moisturizing might help with your face
    -oh yeah here’s the thing about liquid intake – the tea and diet coke probably aren’t settling so well because of the acids, but you should DEFINITELY try to drink water when you can because dehydration will seriously fuck with your body
    -the lack of food combined with lack of sleep will do awful things to focus. blueberries are a tasty and very low calorie antioxidant food that helps a lot with focus. leafy vegetables (spinach, lettuce, etc) and avocados are healthy low cal focus foods as well
    -the emotional thing is probably the disorder combined with the physical fatigue and lack of focus – you’re restructuring your life around your weight and calorie intake, and the depression is making you lose interest in the other things that you once enjoyed, and the lack of nutrition is exhausting you
    -the body temp thing happens to me too! i always joke that i’m an ice queen because i carry winter in my bones, people who don’t know about the ED just assume it’s a side effect of my bipolar disorder. without calories to burn, your body is sacrificing its ability to keep you warm in favor of focusing on things like keeping your heart beating, and the lack of energy keeps you from being able to warm up. i get hot flashes occasionally too, but less frequently. usually i try to stay out in the sun or under a blanket or, in the winter, by my fireplace

    and on the seeing food everywhere, i feel it! i don’t really register seeing food when i’m not hungry, but when i am then holy fuck, i notice every time a character eats anything on tv, every food commercial, every restaurant and fast food joint i pass, every person eating or drinking around me…

    wow, this got long, i’m sorry! obviously the healthiest thing would be to try to eat what a nutritionist would deem a healthy amount of calories and get into a healthy exercise routine to shed the weight you want to – but that’s not easy to do when there are body image issues and control issues and voices, lmao.

    anyway, i’m not sure if any of this will be helpful but i imagine looking shit up and finding nothing must be frustrating, so these have been my experiences and the tips i’ve picked up over the years. and i’m always around if you need to talk, so let me know if you need anything

    Reply
    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      ok so I was replying to your comment and somehow deleted it and almost had a fit because I couldn’t figure out how to restore it but now I’ve restored it and phew! so first off Thank You soooo much for your comment, reading it made me feel so much better, that I’m not a total wimp whose body can’t handle this.
      I put a heating pad on the base of my head and neck area to help with the headaches and that does help but only while the heat is being applied and that obviously isn’t something I can do 24/7 so I’ve been relying on headache pain pills (Motrin etc) I only take them if I have to go to work though so I don’t get too used to them too quickly. I’ll try the massaging though. As well as the heating pad on my tummy, though, I don’t have trouble getting to sleep due to stomach pains from being hungry, more because of acid reflux, which is unfortunate. I can get some Pantaloc from my doctor though (or should be able to since I used it years before) so I might do that. I’ve been resisting that because I think that slows down the rate at which I digest food and I worry taking it will make me fat because the food I do eat will stay with me longer…course that could just be my crazy talking! πŸ˜‰ lol
      I don’t drink coffee, can’t stand the stuff, which is unfortunate because it seems to be a staple among people who restrict, I might try switching to green tea or herbal teas of some sort when my stomach is very nauseated…which can I say how unfair it is that by not eating I get nauseated and feel like I am going to throw up but when I binge eat I can’t manage to purge to save my life? *rolls eyes*
      I’d say oatmeal counts as dense so I’ll make sure to be more careful there. Thanks! This comment means a lot to me because I couldn’t figure out why my stomach hurt so bad after eating that oatmeal, now I know!
      I won’t touch avocados anymore (which is too bad cause they are so yummy) because they are too high in fat but I could probably manage some spinach and blueberries, not on the same day but here and there. Good idea!
      I work with seniors and I guess there is this old saying for when someone has cold hands, they have a warm heart (so the blood is all in their heart, not their hands, get it?) I get told that a lot! Lucky for me I have always had cold hands and nobody has realized that this has now extended to my entire body being cold all the time, yay for unobservant people! lol
      I know I’ve already written in twice but again, Thank You! πŸ™‚

      Reply
      1. anonanam

        it’s no trouble! i’m glad to be of any help – there were a lot of helpful proana blogs and forums and websites when i first started restricting, but they’ve become much harder to find and heavily censored since then, so finding people’s experiences isn’t as easy as it used to be. i totally understand the coffee and avocado things though, omg, there are some foods and drinks i can’t touch no matter how nutritious or low cal they are because of the taste or content

        as for the heartburn medication, you could look up whether weight gain is a side effect – and if you can’t find anything conclusive then ask your doctor about it o-: if it does cause issues with weight (whether in losing weight or what) then it’s probably been documented already

        i wish you luck, and be safe!

      2. foodobsessed79 Post author

        It drives me nuts how hard it is to find proana sites and support. I search and often times find blogs or websites that haven’t had activity on them in ages, makes me wonder why the person stopped, if they wanted to stop posting of if they were forced to because of censoring.
        I wasn’t clear, sorry, its not that I think the meds have a side effect of weight gain, my worry is that the meds lessen the acid in my stomach so I digest slower because of having less stomach acid. My logic (which admittedly isn’t always great lol) has me making the leap that if my stomach acid is reduced then my stomachs ability to digest effectively is diminished and that means the food stays around for longer. That probably doesn’t make any sense lol
        Safety to you too! πŸ™‚

  2. veggiegirlsdiary

    They sound like typical symptoms of your body really struggling to function without enough fuel. I hope you aren’t completely starving yourself 😦

    Reply
    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      I feel like I am still eating a lot because I know from other blogs I have read many people eat waaaaay less than I do. I am staying around 700 calories a day but am hoping to get down to 500-600 soon. I think I need to gradually reduce down to that number though so my body acclimates easier than it did from the jump from binge eating to 700 calories…although I just read a blog post from someone who comments on mine and she only eats 150 calories a day MAX and now I feel like a fat pig, ugh.

      Reply
  3. foodobsessed79 Post author

    omg so there was a comment here from someone and when I tried to respond to it I somehow deleted it! 😦 I’m so sad cause it was a great comment filled with suggestions on how to manage some of what I am dealing with right now. So, if you are the person who commented and is wondering where your comment is I somehow trashed it and I am soooooo sorry!

    Reply
  4. samireen91

    You have to remember that the struggle you’re going through is teaching your body control. Every time you walk away from food & resist it that is you gaining more control over your body. Remember that you are in charge not your body you tell it what to eat not the other way around. I say this to myself all the time & I honestly I’ve never regretted not eating. I hope this helps and don’t forget we are in this together. I like that you watch thinspos videos on YouTube I do the same my favorite is “So Damn Beautiful” by Polaroid a collection of pictures of other proana & thinspos

    Reply
    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      You are so right! Every time I say no I make myself stronger and better able to say “no” the next time temptation is offered.
      I’m going to go check out that video, I love thinspo videos, they are so inspiring. πŸ™‚
      I’ll do a post with my current fave video, hope you like it!
      Thanks so much for the support and comment!

      Reply

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