Do you watch videos on YouTube about eating disorders? I watch a lot of them.
When I am in a frame of mind that lends itself towards wanting to get away from my issues with food I watch videos by Kati Morton, shes pretty awesome. She’s funny, she’s educated, she answers questions about all sorts of things eating disorder related. If you are wanting answers to your various questions, or information on all things eating disorder related you should give her videos a try.
However, as much as I enjoy Kati Morton videos I tend to lean more towards videos about people’s safe foods vs binge foods, or those videos that document with photographs someone’s journey with anorexia or bulimia…usually anorexia but only because those are more prevalent.
I don’t watch the videos put up by people showing their eating disorder because I find them triggering, or inspiring or because I think they might teach me something. I watch them because for some reason I find them fascinating, seeing someone else going through not the same thing as me but something similar. Seeing how they handle it, or what their process is, what they are thinking about their issue.
I guess maybe I find some weird sense of belonging, like we are all part of some club, like there is solidarity amongst us, even though we don’t know each other.
Stupid I guess.
Thing is, for some reason, I tend to re-watch a lot of the same videos, partly because the majority of the videos I don’t connect with and partly because well…I don’t know why, shrug.
I watch this video fairly often…
I really like this girl, I find her fun to watch, I admire how thin she is and wish I was that skinny.
Now, something else about my YouTube watching, I’m not that person who watches a video (like the one above) likes it and automatically subscribes to the channel or even watches other videos put out by that person. This means I have been watching and re-watching the above video for, eesh, months? longer probably, and I never bothered to look at what date the video was put up, or watch anything else she put up. For me, this girl is suspended in time, always looking like this, always at this stage of her eating disorder.
For some weird reason I decided to look at some of her other videos yesterday and oh wow, she is not the same anymore, like, at all!
The above video was done in 2010, her most recent video was done two weeks ago. I can’t even bring myself to put a link to any of her recent videos because she has gained soooooo much weight. I can’t watch them, I can’t look at her and not cringe a little – which is a horrible thing to say, I know! But I just can’t, I tried, I tried watching some of them and I literally lean away from my computer screen and wonder why she let herself get so fat, why she let herself lose her cheekbones, why she went from so pretty to this…
I hate myself for my thoughts towards her. I hate that I am being mean, and judgmental and a horrible horrible person but I can’t seem to stop. She went from looking how I am wishing with everything in my being I could look to fat. Ugh.
She still struggles with her eating disorder even though she has been out of inpatient care for years and is apparently recovered and when she talks about having to stop being vegan because she found it brought back some of her ED tendencies I actually think “maybe she should follow some of those tendencies and lose some weight, just until she’s a bit thinner, then she can go back to being “recovered”.”
My karma points decrease horrendously every time I think these thoughts they are that mean!
Is that what happens if someone goes for treatment, they make you fat and somehow brain wash you in to thinking that is how you are supposed to be? Cause if so screw that!
For a little bit I wondered if maybe it was just me, maybe she isn’t as fat as I think she is, maybe it is my distorted view of things that make her seem so large but I don’t think so. I think I am right on this one and it depresses me. I am sad for her that she gained all that weight. Sad for her that she is still struggling to figure out how to find balance with her food and exercise. Sad that someone convinced her that gaining and keeping that weight is an ok thing.
She is no longer frozen in time for me anymore and I think I will have to stop watching the above video of her because when I look at it now I just feel sadness that she is no longer that thin.