My last post was about how I had been fooling myself, slipping in to my old ways, letting myself fall back in to the comforting embrace of my whacked out eating habits.
This post is about that elusive beast called help.
I already wrote about how I tried talking to someone and they shut me down and said go see someone else, you can read about that wonderful experience here.
Since that experience I decided screw it, obviously professional help isn’t something I am getting and really, I’m not all that bad so I don’t really need help, I’m fine on my own. I don’t know if I do need help and am lying to myself about it or if I really don’t, I don’t think I’m a good judge for this decision lol but regardless of if I am right or wrong it isn’t happening.
Doesn’t stop me from googling though!
I found this service, provided by the city health care services, free of charge, it is various types of clinics, inpatient, outpatient and residential treatments for people with a wide range of eating disorders.
One of them intrigues me, it is outpatient (there is an inpatient program but I wouldn’t do that), it, I dunno, there is stuff quickly summarizing it on the site I saw and it felt right…yes, I am aware that sounds stupid. I’m probably nowhere near bad off enough to be accepted in to their program, but it has me thinking.
Thinking about help. About what having help might entail. About if I really need help or am fine. About if there is any point to it, shrug.
Thing is, to qualify for this program you have to be referred by your doctor. I have a doctor but I don’t see her often and she has noooooo idea I have any food issues. I don’t want to tell her. I don’t know her well enough to know what her response might be. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she takes one look at me and says I am too fat to have an eating disorder? What if she laughs at me, or tells me no one can help me, or does any of the other horrible things that are bouncing around in my head?
I can’t stand the idea of telling her so that I can then request she refer me to this program, which means I will never get in to the program because I need her to refer me.
Not a good cycle to be in.
I suppose I could contact the info line for the program and lie, say I don’t have a doctor, and is there anything I can do to get around that referral requirement but I don’t know that starting out treatment of any kind by saying a big fat lie is a good thing to do…might set a bad vibe ya know?
I dunno…I’m probably not going to call them, they probably can’t help me anyways so I am writing this for absolutely no reason except it has been on my mind since I found the website a couple weeks ago and I wanted to mention it to someone and obviously that someone is you.