I Was Fooling Myself

A week or so ago I was thinking I was better, somehow, magically better and didn’t need to ponder finding a way to get counselling, didn’t need to think about what I was eating or when or how much, could just be like everybody else.

Then I realized I was quite possibly wrong. I know, me, wrong, shocking! lol 😉

I started sliding in to my old eating habits without really noticing, and it felt so natural, so comfortable all while I was subconsciously aware something was wrong. I didn’t realize at first what was wrong, then I clued in that I was tricking myself in to situations where I would be able to legitimately restrict my eating only to binge eat the next day. sigh. All without really realizing it.

How is that even possible? To not realize I was engaging in my old eating habits? You’d think it’d be one of those things that fairly screams to be noticed…but apparently not…

A huge huge huge part of me is saying go back, go back full force in to restricting food, go! run! now! restrict! I’m tempted by the idea of faster weight loss, by the idea of feeling strong by resisting eating when I feel hunger, by bringing close my twisted eating habits and making them my friend. My messed up eating habits have never let me down, they are reliable, they stay with me no matter where I go, they keep me safe.

I don’t think I know how to exist without them.

I’ve been following this Weight Watchers plan for almost 12 weeks and it sucks. I lose 2 pounds, then I gain two pounds, then I lose half a pound, then I maintain, it’s depressing. I thought following a program like this was supposed to guarantee weight loss but it sooooo hasn’t. If following this so-called healthy program doesn’t get me results then why shouldn’t I go back to restricting? shrug.

Thing is, there is this teeny tiny voice saying going back to restricting then binge eating isn’t the right choice, isn’t the way to go, to not do it, don’t get sucked back down in to that dark place but what does that stupid little voice know? Doesn’t it remember how good it felt to be offered food and say no? Doesn’t it remember how after days and days of not eating I would indulge in something ridiculously good that I could never eat on a so-called healthy weight loss plan? Doesn’t it remember how ribs sticking out, and hip bones becoming more visible and the look and feel of my collarbone made me happy and proud?

That little voice doesn’t want me to be happy, it wants me to be fat. It is a lie…but it whispers at me it is the truth and that if I completely throw away Weight Watchers and embrace restricting and binge eating again I will drop in to a dark pit of despair. I will have no social life because I’ll be scared of being around food and people. I’ll have trouble when hiking, or playing my sports, because I will have no energy. It reminds me of the time I stood crying in the shower after practice because I just couldn’t manage to get out of my head and I was freaking out about an event I had to go to the next day where I wouldn’t be able to avoid eating so I didn’t stand out and I was terrified by the idea.

It isn’t that I want all those things back, it is just that, well, I don’t know, I don’t know what to do and going back to restricting and binge eating seems like the best of all options, like putting on a broken in shoe, it fits well.

little voice

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3 thoughts on “I Was Fooling Myself

  1. Mary

    I have been in a very similar place. I used to restrict and binge every single day and the temptation still dogs me quite a bit, so I can definitely relate. What helps me is having friends who keep me accountable and love me even when I can’t love myself. I hope that you have something along those lines, as well! Remember that every time you deny that nagging ED voice is truly a victory. That’s not hippy-dippy–it’s the truth. Good post!
    -Mary

    https://thedeependdiaries.wordpress.com/

    Reply
    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      Thanks for reading and commenting! I have no one in real life who knows I struggle, the only place anybody knows this about me is here, on this blog, shrug.
      When I deny my ED voice I feel like a failure, not like it is a victory, did you ever feel like that?

      Reply
      1. Mary

        I think that everyone who struggles with an ED feels like a failure when they go against their disorder. But once you do it over and over again that voice gets quieter because we are so much stronger than that voice, whether we know it or not. It just takes a lot of time. I find that writing about it helped me so much that I don’t really struggle with it near as much.

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