I’m Struggling

I’ve been struggling lately and I don’t know what to do.

I mentioned in the post before this one that I was following a new, healthy, eating plan and I’m still on it but I’m screwing up and it isn’t working anymore…

I am following Weight Watchers, I’m not actually going to meetings or anything cause who has that kind of money? I just have all the books an stuff and am doing it on my own. I thought if I followed the Weight Watchers rules I’d lose my extra weight, in a healthy way, it would help control my binge eating and I could get myself under control when it comes to food. For a while it was working, I felt like I was in a bit more control of what I was eating, and even though the program says I have to eat more food per day than what I am comfortable with I promised myself I would not cheat and restrict (or binge!) thereby giving the program the chance to do its thing.

At first I lost weight, sloooowly, but the number on the scale was going down so I worked hard on being happy with the small decreases and not feeling like a failure because I wasn’t losing faster. But then I maintained for a week and I couldn’t figure out why…I had done everything I was supposed to, yet I maintained my weight. I thought maybe it was a glitch, my body getting used to this new system or something so I kept going and the next week I lost, so yay! Then the week after I maintained and I was pissed. If this was the start of some sort of pattern I didn’t like it. I want to lose every week, not lose then maintain then lose then maintain. I have weight loss goals dammit, and timelines for them and no way would I meet them if I maintained every second week. Grr!

I decided to keep with the program and see what the next weigh in brought me, well, it brought me a weight gain of 0.5 pounds!

What. The. Fuck.

Not impressed with that at all!

That got me really down and I didn’t know what to do. Since I don’t go to the meetings or anything I didn’t have anyone to ask what I was doing wrong so I took a look at my tracking for the week, decided I had to be more active and more careful with my food.

In case you don’t know how Weight Watchers works I’ll give you a quick rundown. You do some calculations to determine how much food you are allowed to eat per day, it is based on things like your gender, height, weight, age an stuff. When those calculations are done you get a number, anything from 26 or higher. When you eat something you calculate how many points your food is worth, some things are zero points (most fruits and veggies, salsa, diet coke, tea, water etc), everything else has points attached to it. You write down everything you eat every day and keep track of the points, once you’ve reached your points for the day you stop eating. You have to eat all your daily points, have to! It’s like rule number one, which I hate. There are also Activity Points which you earn by exercising, you keep track of how many you earned and if you want to eat more than your daily points you can eat some of the activity points. Oh, there are also Weekly Points, you get 49 weekly points which are like extras, so say there is a party or something you want to go to and no way you’d be able to eat a slice of birthday cake and not go over your daily points you can use some of your weekly points, think of them as your cheat points lol.

Ok, so now you know the basics of the program.

Well, even though I told myself I’d be more careful after the 0.5 pound weight gain I’d lost my belief in the program. I was down on it and wondering what is the point in going to all that work when I’m not getting results. Because of that thinking I started eating things I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I got a small ice cream sundae from McD’s one day, an Oreo Iced Capp and donought from Tim Horton’s another day, doubled my morning porridge a third day, you get the idea. Instead of one big binge I was making excuses to eat stupid things that normally I would never allow myself. After a while I stopped making excuses and just let the guilt wash over me while I drove somewhere, bought the food then took it home to eat. I felt like a loser every time I did it, I hated I was doing it, but I couldn’t stop myself.

And therein lies my struggle. I can’t control myself lately and it is screwing with any chance I have of following the program, or losing weight. It is almost worse than binge eating because at least with a binge I do it, it’s over and I can try to move on from it but this is more insidious. Because it was one or two treats a day I can convince myself it isn’t that big a deal so when I go to grab something the next day I don’t have the reasoning “you binged yesterday you can’t do this!” in my head, instead I have “meh sure, why not, you only ate one ice cream treat yesterday, not like you binged”

It’s horrible! And I don’t know how to stop it. 😦

I spent all day today inside, ignoring the world and trying to think of anything but food. Which of course didn’t work because all I seemed to think about was food, sigh. I forced myself to not let myself have any treats and I tracked all my food like a good little Weight Watcher but it sucked balls. It seemed so much harder than before, and instead of feeling good because I was actively doing something to help me lose weight I was feeling like a loser, a failure, like someone who will never be able to act normally around food.

Oh and to top it off today was my weigh-in day and since last week I have gained a pound! So all those stupid treats I was eating this past week did not get burned off with all my exercising (I thought they would have but I guess not…) so now I am even farther away from my goal and really struggling with not following my food urges and eating whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it.

I’m pretty much screwed.

What do I do?? 😦

must lose weight


4 thoughts on “I’m Struggling

  1. Katie Bagshawe

    Hi there! We all have crappy weeks don’t worry about it. I tried really hard last week and only lost 1lb and it feels so easy to jack it in and resign myself to the fact that this isn’t working for me. But think of the bigger goals and how else it’s going to improve your health and your relationship with food. My leader always used to say that in these weeks where my weight would plateau or you felt you’d done really hard is to go back to the drawing board. Read all the books again as if you’re starting fresh because some weeks you get complacent without realising.

    Like me, you seem to have an unhealthy relationship with food and it seems you put a lot of pressure on yourself to achieve “perfection”. Have you tried sitting down and talking to someone who may be able to understand? I know Weight Watchers in itself isn’t the cheapest option, but if you can I really recommend going along to a meeting, even if for just one week and sitting down with the leader and talking through what you’d like to achieve with your weight and more importantly your physical and mental health. A huge side affect I’ve had with my obesity is how much it has affected my mental health triggering depression and anxiety, and you need to clear your head space a bit in able to think positively. Sometimes following the plan won’t work because you’re stressed, or you’re upset about things and your body just freaks out and doesn’t know how to respond.

    If you do find it too difficult to go to a meeting then don’t hesitate to talk to me. It helps so much to write down your feelings so by doing this blog you’ve overcome a huge obstacle by talking openly about your relationship with food which in itself is a very brave thing to do (I was terrified posting my first pictures yesterday). I’ve only read this post so I’m sorry I might not be fully in the know, but some days you have to accept that everything doesn’t go to plan, and then when you wake up the next morning hopefully the sun will be a bit brighter and your mental attitude will be a bit more positive as well.

    Katie xx

    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      Hi Katie,
      Thanks so much for reading and commenting, most of the time I feel like I send my posts out in to the void of the internet and they are never seen by another soul lol
      I tried going to a counsellor about my issues with food, she was quite judgmental, said she couldn’t help me and that was that. Since then I’ve chosen to not seek out help because that really sucked to go through.
      I can’t afford the Weight Watchers meetings (I could only afford the counsellor because my work benefits covered it) so trying out a meeting isn’t something I can do right now.
      I started reminding myself of how I feel when I dress up for something, how if I’ve been good, and following my eating plan, and been working out than I feel more confident when dressed up but if I slacked or did something wrong than I feel like a huge lump in a too tight outfit, it has helped me when I’ve been tempted to skip a workout. Which is probably the unhealthy way of looking at the big picture, like you suggested, but it is the way my brain came up with, shrug.

      I’ll do my best to remember that the next day will be a bit brighter, sometimes it just seems so dark all the time though, ya know?
      I appreciate your offer of conversing with you, except for the counsellor I’ve never talked one-on-one with anybody about my food issues, I don’t know if i am that brave, it’s one thing to type anonymously on a blog and think no one reads it, quite another to type to just one person. I will keep it in mind though, and am touched by the offer. 🙂

  2. monvdkleij

    I can relate to your issues completely.
    WW is good but if it’s not working for you then you might be better trying something else. Sounds like you need a program that offers more support and guidance!

    1. foodobsessed79 Post author

      This is the only program I know of that i can do without having to actually spend money lol I’ll start looking around if I keep failing at it though. Thanks for reading and commenting!


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