About three weeks ago I started a new (healthy!) eating plan. I thought if I followed a plan that had clear rules I’d find it easier than just trying to “eat a bit healthier” which is what I say I am going to do when I am half-assing things.
Slowest weight loss ever!
Because I’d been following the plan and not cheating, even managing to eat as much per day as it says to (which fyi, is more food than I would normally eat in a day – unless I had a binge but that’s a whole different thing lol) I’d been feeling good about myself. Not good about how I looked, but good about actively working towards my goal. Even if all I was doing was sitting watching tv I felt like I was working towards getting thin because I was (1) not eating but not because I was restricting or (2) eating something healthy that is ok to eat or (3) not having a binge.
I don’t know how to properly explain this feeling, normally I only feel like I am working towards my goal if I feel the pain of hunger or am working out but this, following this plan got me the same feeling as those things did without the pain of hunger or having to sweat more than the normal 2 hours or so a day. I was (and still am) enjoying feeling like I am making steps toward my goal 24/7, it may all be in my head but whatev, if you listen to the “experts” my eating disorder is in my head too so oh well, shrug.
Well, last week I had a brutal shift at work and all I could think about was having a binge and eating chocolate cake. I love cake, who wouldn’t? I especially love chocolate cake. I double especially love chocolate cake if I am bingeing on it and eating an unlimited amount of it. Mmm cake!
After work I ended up at the grocery store buying chocolate cake, sigh. 😦
All I could think about was eating the cake, having the binge, having it fill me up, make me feel better, take away all the stress from work. I feel empty a lot, not hunger type empty, just…empty, and having a binge helps me feel better because it makes me feel full, and even if it is too full that is ok because it takes away the feeling of being empty.
I’m rambling and making no sense, sigh.
Let’s try to get back on point here, not that I’m sure I remember what point I was wanting to make lol
I was following the plan, and it was working, and I was feeling better about myself, then I had a crap day at work, needed to binge more than I needed anything ever, binged on cake that was amazingly delicious, felt horrible for failing the program, spent the next couple days eating things I shouldn’t have because I felt like I was such a huge failure there was no point in trying to be healthy anymore before getting to a point where I could tell myself that:
One binge wasn’t so bad it threw away all my hard work from the previous weeks.
One binge wasn’t such a failure that I should quit because there was no coming back from it.
One binge wasn’t worth throwing away the positive feelings I was getting from the healthy plan.
I don’t know that I fully believe that but it is what I started telling myself and I’m hoping the more I repeat it to myself the better the odds I might eventually believe it.
So after the cake day, and a couple days afterwards where I ate stupid things I got a bit more on track, and am now properly following the program without a problem. But I’m not sure what to do the next time I need to binge. I don’t binge just because I have been restricting for so long I lose control and eat everything because I am starving. I binge because, well, I’m not completely sure…because I’m an emotional eater? Because it makes me feel less empty? Because figuring out proper portions sucks and being able to just eat and eat and eat is so much easier?
I binge for reasons too complicated to figure out at this very moment, I worry though that if I don’t figure them out I’ll never stop being a binge eater and that means I’ll always have to be hyper-vigilant about my eating because I’ll have to be (1) on guard for a binge attack and (2) compensating for the binges I do have.
I wonder what it is like having an uncomplicated relationship with food? I don’t think I will ever know…